The Weather Channel says the east coast earthquake was caused by an unknown fault line running under D.C. and through Virginia.

It is now being called Obama's Fault, though Obama will say it's really Bush's Fault. 

Another theory is that it was the founding fathers rolling over in their graves, but I believe what we all thought was an earthquake was actually the effects of a 14.6 trillion dollar check bouncing in Washington.

I was eating lunch on the 20th of February with my 7 year-old granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?" 

She said, "It's President's Day!" She is a smart kid. I asked, "What does President's Day mean?" I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln ... etc. 

She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment." 

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.

HOW I LEARNED TO MIND MY OWN BUSINESS!! 

I was walking past a mental hospital and all the patients were yelling "13..13...13..13...13..." 

The fence was too high to see over so i put my eye to a hole in the fence to see what was going on, I was promptly poked in the eye with a stick and they all started yelling "14..14...14...14...14..."

A husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in "Slim Fast". Maybe it would take a few inches off your butt!" 

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the heck is this?" he said to himself as a little cloud appeared when he shook them out. 

He hollered into the bathroom," Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" 

 She replied "It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'."

I recently visited a mental asylum, and I asked the director "how do you know when a person needs to be institutionalized?"

He said, "Well, we fill a bathtub with water, and we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket and ask them to empty the tub.

I said "I see...a normal person would choose the bucket because it is bigger."

He responded, "No, a normal person would pull the plug...would you like a bed by the window?

Adam was talking to God one day, and asked, "Why did you make Eve so pretty?"

God replied, "So you would love her."

Adam then asked, "Why did you make her such a good cook?"

God replied, "So that you would love her."

Adam asked, "Why does she have such a heavenly smile?"

God said "So you would love her."

Finally, Adam asked "Why did you make her so dumb?"

God replied, "So that she would love you!"

Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on, the first surgeon said, "Electricians are the best, everything inside is color coded."

The second surgeon says, "No, I think librarians are, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The third surgeon shut them up when he said: "You're all wrong, politicians are the easiest to operate on, there's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable."

You appeared from no where and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body, you sensed my indifference, you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, you drove me near crazy while you drained me. Finally, I drifted off to sleep.

Today when I awoke, you were gone, I searched for you but only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, will never forget you

Damn mosquito!!!

The economy is so bad that:

I received a predeclined credit card in the mail.

CEOs are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Motel 6 won't leave the light on anymore.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

They renamed Wall Street "WalMart Street".

Finally, when I called the Suicide Hotline, I got a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Husband reads a book: "You are the man of your house!" So he storms to his wife and announces-"From now on you need to know I'm the man of the house. My word is LAW. You WILL cook & clean for me.You WILL go upstairs & give me the kind of sex I want. After, you WILL draw me a bath wash my back & massage my feet. Oh, & guess who's going to dress me & comb my hair in the morning?"

The wife replied "A freaking funeral director would be my 1st guess.

How do you starve an Obama supporter?

Hide their food stamps under their work shoes

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried.

"Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master: "Master, Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I called my stockbroker today & asked him what I should be buying.

He replied, "If the current administration is in office much longer, canned goods & ammunition are your best bets.

What is a calorie? Calories are the little bastards that get into your wardrobe at night and sew your clothes tighter... MY CLOSET IS INFESTED WITH THE LITTLE SHITS.

Mama's Bible

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built
in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to
her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well.

Well, I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can
recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him.

I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the
church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.

She wrote:

"Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room,
but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my
groceries delivered, so never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

Luv Ya,
MAMA

Obama went jogging one morning and came upon the Washington monument. He said, “George, what should I do?” After a few seconds George replied, “Abolish the IRS and start over.” Obama thought about this for a few seconds and continued jogging.

Shortly he came upon the Jefferson Memorial and stopped. He said “Tom, what should I do?” After a few seconds Tom replied, “Abolish welfare and start over.”

Obama continued jogging after thinking about this and came upon the Lincoln Memorial. He said, “Abe, what should I do?” After a few seconds Abe replied, “Why don’t you take the night off and go to the theater?”

A sixty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?, What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care, I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old".

The husband said, "What did he say about your Sixty-eight year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied

On hearing that my elderly grandfather died, I went to my 98-year old grandma's house. When I asked how he died, gran replied, "He had a heart attack during Sunday morning sex", I was aghast at my 2 grandparents risking their lives making love.

"We do it to the church bells. Nice and slow. In on the ding, out on the dong", she paused to wipe away a tear, "He'd still be alive if the effing ice cream van hadn't came round"

Father O'Malley and the Jackass

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of air and to see the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the US House of Representatives for assistance.

The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is speaker Pelosi. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day to yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Speaker Pelosi, considering herself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin!"