Wednesday Words of Wisdom

Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken,

a lifetime commitment for a pig

Why It's Good To Be A Woman

1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3. Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
13. We will never regret piercing our ears.
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.

Send this to all the bright women you know and make their day!!!!!

The Parrot Died

At dawn the telephone rings.

"Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot died."

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird."

"What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Senor"

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"Your thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. Your thoroughbred died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"

"Your wife's, Senor... She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."

SILENCE...................

"Ernesto....... if you broke that driver, you're in deep, deep, shit..!"

A Couple Going Out for the Evening

They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, put the dog out etc.

The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going up stairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!"

Political Joke

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for one of his aides to come near. "Yes father" said the aide.

"I would really like to see Ted Kennedy and Charles Schumer before I die", whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, father" replied the aide. The aide sent the request to the Senate and waited for a response.

Soon the word arrived. Kennedy and Schumer would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Schumer commented to Kennedy "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images." Kennedy couldn't help but agree.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Kennedy' s hand in his right hand and Schumer's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Senator Kennedy spoke "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

"Amen" said Kennedy.

"Amen" said Schumer.

The old priest continued..."He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same."

stolen from GOC

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if...

It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under God."

You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.

You still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival."

You bow your head when someone prays.

You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.

You treat Viet Nam vets with great respect, and always have.

You've never burned an American flag.

You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.

You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.

You'd give your last dollar to a friend.

It is time to change from REDNECK humor to TRUE AMERICAN Humor! Only I don't see it as Humor, but the correct way to live your life! If you feel the same, pass this on to your True American friends. Ya'll know who ya' are.

The Republicans Plan if the Democrats Win The Elections

Bush and Karl Rove held A meeting about what to do if the Democrats take over Congress.

Okay, here's the plan:

Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.

Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.

Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies.

In two generations, there will be no Democrats!!!

Damn, I love it when a plan comes together!!!

COOKING WITH DOG HAIR

"The Proper Way to Cook With Dog Hair" by Mary E. Wolley

Do you remember how embarrassed you were the last time you had company for dinner and when they dug several dog hairs from your best gourmet effort? This is because there is a right and a wrong way to cook with dog hairs.

First, we must remember each dish calls for a different variety. If you are unfortunate enough to own only one variety, I'm sure you can come up with a friend who will be willing to lend you the proper variety of hair or you could even order a rare variety, as they are light and easy to mail. There are many dishes that are basic to most menus and these can always be spiced up with the buff variety, which are especially useful when baking biscuits, pastries and yellow cakes. The black and tan hairs go well with fall dishes, Thanksgiving turkey, mince or pumpkin pies or even yams. Black, of course is for your roasts, steaks, ribs and hearty dishes, including stews, which carry black hairs well.

Naturally chocolate color hairs will go well with most desserts, unless you serve a very light Jell-O type dessert, in which case go back to the silver buff. If you are especially interested in foreign foods, most varieties can be used in Mexican, Japanese and Chinese cooking. In fact, any nationality food will accept most dog hairs without hurting the flavor.

A good rule of thumb to remember which dog hairs go with which dish is--use them as you would a good wine--white wine and light hair with the delicate dishes, dark wine and dark hair with the more robust, heartier dishes. For a special touch to finish your meal with a flourish, add the long-forgotten finger bowls with a few hairs of assorted colors floating in them. Your guests will be astounded, and so appreciative of your unexpected elegance!

The Good Deed

A man appears before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers."Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago."

Jesus

Jesus had no servants, yet they called Him Master.

Had no degree, yet they called Him Teacher.

Had no medicines, yet they called Him Healer.

Had no army, yet kings feared Him.

He won no military battles, yet He conquered the world.

He committed no crime, yet they crucified Him.

He was buried in a tomb, yet He lives today.

Feel honored to serve such a Leader who loves us.!