Boudreaux in Paris

Boudreaux and his wife were arguing while touring Paris. They were hardly speaking to each other after being seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner.

When the waiter arrived, Boudreaux said, "I'll have a big, thick Porterhouse steak."

The waiter replied, "Monsieur, what about Ze Mad Cow? "

He said, "She'll have a salad."

::ouch!::

Men Will LOVE This!

Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts .

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

ba-da-boom!

Helpful Tips from Sally Homemaker

Reduce Static Cling: Pin a small safety pin to the seam of your slip and you will not have a clingy skirt or dress. Same thing works with slacks that cling when wearing panty hose. Place pin in seam of slacks.

Measuring Cup: Before you pour sticky substances into a measuring cup, fill it with hot water. Dump out the hot water, but don't dry the cup. Next, add your ingredient, such as peanut butter, it comes right out.

Foggy Windshield?: Buy a chalkboard eraser and keep it in the glove box of your car. When the windows fog, rub with the eraser! Works better than a cloth!

Memory Bank

A 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably coifed and shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. His wife of 70 years recently passed away,making the move necessary.

After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready. As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window.

"I love it," he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.

"Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait."

"That doesn't have anything to do with it," he replied. "Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged .. it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it.

"It's a decision Imake every morning when I wake up. I have a choice: I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.

"Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away. Just for this time in my life.

"Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in. So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories! Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing."

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred.

2. Free your mind from worries.

3. Live simply.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less.

---

Excellent advice!!

Halloween Trivia

Why are black cats a Halloween mascot?

Answer to: Why are masks and costumes used on Halloween?

The ancient Celts thought that spirits and ghosts roamed the countryside on Halloween night. They began wearing masks and costumes to avoid being recognized as human.

Cute Puzzle!

http://www.riversongs.com/Flas/today.swf

Just click on the pieces, they will place themselves. Turn up your speakers, too.

Test For Smart People

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. Answers at the bottom.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

3. The lion king is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend.... Except one. Which animal does not attend?

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by alligators and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Answers

1. Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. Did you say, 'Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?' Wrong Answer. Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

4. You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the alligators are attending the animal meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

Halloween Trivia

Why are masks and costumes used on Halloween?

Answer to: What was the first wrapped penny candy in America?

Tootsie Rolls were the first wrapped penny candy in America.

The Way You Sleep

After 4 beers....

After 2 glasses of wine....

After 3 Kamikazes

After 2 bottles of wine (shared of course)....

After too many Margaritas....

(Note how the head must be restrained to prevent it from exploding)

After 2 bottles Jack Daniels?....

editor's note: no animals were harmed in the taking of these pictures

Elderly Proposal

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.

Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say yes or did she say no?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. No even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes or did you say No?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, Yes, yes I will and I meant it with all my heart."

Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

Halloween Trivia

What was the first wrapped penny candy in America?

Answer to: Who brought Halloween to North America?

Halloween was brought to North America by immigrants from Europe who would celebrate the harvest around a bonfire, share ghost stories, sing, dance and tell fortunes.

source - www.halloween-website.com

Wednesday Words of Wisdom

The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

Kids

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,

"Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

"A government which robs Peter to pay Paul, can always count on the support of Paul."

-- George Bernard Shaw

WAX is NOT your Friend

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.

(YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,"yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!

Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-Rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek.

(Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself.

RRRRIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.

CRAP!!!

Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think may pass out...must stay conscious.. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe... OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake. Remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet?

I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DANG!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. My "hoo-hoo"? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"

What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point?

I rub some on and OH MY GOSH!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!"

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color...... Now that's funny .

-- from email. The sad thing is, I can see this being me!

Halloween Trivia

Who brought Halloween to North America?

Answer to: Why are Jack o'lanterns a Halloween decoration?

Jack o’ lanterns originated in Ireland where people placed candles in hollowed-out turnips to keep away spirits and ghosts on the Samhain holiday. Pumpkins are used because they are easier to come by in the USA.

24 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator...

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now, damn motion sickness!"

11. Meow occasionally.

12. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

13. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

17. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

18. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

21. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

23. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.

http://boortz.com/more/funny/24_things_on_elevator.html

Paul Newman

A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small New England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited.

One Sunday morning,the woman got up early to take a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone. She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor.

There was only one other patron in the store: Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee. The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded graciously and the star-struck woman smiled demurely.

"Pull yourself together," she chided herself. "You're a happily married woman with three children; you're forty-five years old, not a teenager!"

The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction.

When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change - but her other hand was empty. "Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store?" Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something. But no ice cream cone was in sight.

With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman. His face broke into his familiar warm, friendly grin and he said to the woman, "You put it in your purse."

Halloween Trivia

Why are Jack o'lanterns a Halloween decoration?

Answer to: Why are orange and black the colors of Halloween?

Orange and black are Halloween colors because orange is associated with the Fall harvest and black is associated with darkness and death.

"The government that's strong enough to give you what you want by taking it from someone else is strong enough to take everything you have and give it to someone else."

-- Harry Browne

Twins

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.

She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're thirty-two.

"And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're twenty-six.

"And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're twenty-four..."

"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins EVERY time?"

The woman answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin."

Halloween Trivia

Why are orange and black the colors of Halloween?

Prayer Request for Troops

Prayer

Lord, hold our troops in your loving hands. Protect them as they protect us. Bless them and their families for the selfless acts they perform for us in our time of need. I ask this in the name of Jesus, our Lord and Savior.

Amen.

When you read this, please stop for a moment and say a prayer for our troops around the world.

Of all the gifts you could give a Marine, US Soldier, Sailor, Airman, & others deployed in harm's way, prayer is the very best one.

===================================

Me again. The above was from email, changed just a little bit to make a blog post. Whether you support the war in the Middle East or not is beside the point. We have to support the troops and prayer is something that we can all do. If you don't believe in a Higher Being, maybe just a moment of silent meditation or whatever you feel is appropriate.

Sunday Words of Wisdom

The shortest distance between a problem and a solution

is the distance between your knees and the floor.

Special Grocery List

Louise Redden, a poorly dressed lady with a look of defeat on her face, walked into a grocery store. She approached the owner of the store in a most humble manner and asked if he would let her charge a few groceries. She softly explained that her husband was very ill and unable to work, they had seven children and they needed food. John Longhouse, the grocer, scoffed at her and requested that she leave his store at once.

Visualizing the family needs, she said: "Please, sir! I will bring you the money just as soon as I can." John told her he could not give her credit, since she did not have a charge account at his store. Standing beside the counter was a customer who overheard the conversation between the two. The customer walked forward and told the grocer that he would stand good for whatever she needed for her family.

The grocer said in a very reluctant voice, "Do you have a grocery list?"Louise replied, "Yes sir."

"O.K" he said, "put your grocery list on the scales and whatever your grocery list weighs, I will give you that amount in groceries."

Louise, hesitated a moment with a bowed head, then she reached into her purse and took out a piece of paper and scribbled something on it. She then laid the piece of paper on the scale carefully with her head still bowed. The eyes of the grocer and the customer showed amazement when the scales went down and stayed down.

The grocer, staring at the scales, turned slowly to the customer and said begrudgingly, "I can't believe it." The customer smiled and the grocer started putting the groceries on the other side of the scales. The scale did not balance so he continued to put more and more groceries on them until the scales would hold no more. The grocer stood there in utter disgust. Finally, he grabbed the piece of paper from the scales and looked at it with greater amazement.

It was not a grocery list, it was a prayer, which said:"Dear Lord, you know my needs and I am leaving this in your hands."

The grocer gave her the groceries that he had gathered and stood in stunned silence. Louise thanked him and left the store. The other customer handed a fifty-dollar bill to the grocer and said, "It was worth every penny of it. Only God Knows how much a prayer weighs."

If you feel so inclined, this would be a good time to say a prayer. I just did.