Aging With Humor

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"

"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"
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Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
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I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
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I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
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An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters will visit me twice a week."
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My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
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Know how to prevent sagging?

Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
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It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
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These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
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Remember:

You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
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--- THE SENILITY PRAYER:

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
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Rude Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.

The parrot yelled back.

John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was a total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's out stretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot why he had made such a dramatic change in his behavior,the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Dear Friends,

Last night I had the strangest dream. It was so real, so life-like and so vivid I woke up in a cold sweat. Let me describe it to you briefly...

1. Hillary wins the Democratic Party nomination for President of the United States

2. Naturally, she wants to choose as her running mate someone with a lot of knowledge and experience in government and foreign affairs, someone who is a seasoned campaigner who could bring a lot of strength to the ticket. Who better than Bill, her husband?!!!

3. Hill and Bill go on to win the election in November and the Democrats maintain control of the House and the Senate.

4. Hillary is sworn in as President on January 20, 2009. The next day, after all the inauguration parties are over, she calls a press conference to make an announc ement: she is resigning as President!!! Bill, as the Vice President, immediately becomes President!!!

This is all perfectly legal under the 22nd Amendment to the Constitution, for it states that "no person may be elected as president more than twice".

Bill is not being elected for a third term but is merely serving out the remainder of Hillary's term --- all 4 years of it.

5. But wait! There's more! The following day Bill calls a press conference to make an announcement. He has chosen someone to fill the now-vacant office of Vice President. Guess who he picks? Why, Hillary, of course!!!

Allah or The Lord Jesus Christ?
By Rick Mathes

Last month I attended my annual training session that's required for maintaining my state prison security clearance. During the training session there was a presentation by three speakers representing the Roman Catholic, Protestant and Muslim faiths, who explained each of their beliefs I was particularly interested in what the Islamic Imam had to say. The Imam gave a great presentation of the basics of Islam, complete with a video. After the presentations, time was provided for questions and answers.

When it was my turn, I directed my question to the Imam and asked: "Please, correct me if I'm wrong, but I understand that most Imams and clerics of Islam have declared a holy jihad [Holy war] against the infidels of the world and, that by killing an infidel, (which is a command to all Muslims) they are assured of a place in heaven. If that's the case, can you give me the definition of an infidel?"

There was no disagreement with my statements and, without hesitation, he replied, "Non-believers!" I responded, "So, let me make sure I have this straight. All followers of Allah have been commanded to kill everyone who is not of your faith so they can have a place in heaven. Is that correct?"

The expression on his face changed from one of authority and command to that of "a little boy who had just been caught with his hand in the cookie jar."

He sheepishly replied, "Yes." I then stated, "Well sir, I have a real problem trying to imagine Pope Benedict commanding all Catholics to kill those of your faith or Dr. Charles Stanley ordering all Protestants to do the same in order to guarantee them a place in heaven!"

The Imam was speechless! I continued, "I also have problem with being your 'friend' when you and your brother clerics are telling your followers to kill me! Let me ask you a question. Would you rather have your Allah, who tells you to kill me in order for you to go to heaven, or my Jesus who tells me to love you because I am going to heaven and He wants you to be there with me?"

You could have heard a pin drop as the Imam hung his head in shame. Needless to say, the organizers and/or promoters of the 'Diversification' training seminar were not happy with Rick's way of dealing with the Islamic Imam and exposing the truth about the Muslims' beliefs.

In twenty years there will be enough Muslim voters in the U.S. To elect the President! I think everyone in the U.S. . Should be required to read this, but with our liberal justice system, liberal media and the ACLU, there is no way this will be widely publicized. The most puzzling thing to me is... Once Islam takes over, there will no longer be a liberal media or an ACLU, or a liberal justice system. So in effect, they are slitting their own throats by not publicizing this.

If you will, please pass this on to your e-mail contacts. At least that is one thing we can all do. Then no one can say they were not warned in time.

This is a true story and the author, Rick Mathes, is a well-known leader in prison ministry. The man who walks with God always gets to his
destination.

If you have a pulse you have a purpose.

Something To Think About

Who do you want making nominations to replace the Supremes?

"Looking forward to the next presidency, we see that Justice Stevens is 87, Justice Ginsburg 74, Justices Kennedy and Scalia 71, Justice Breyer 69 and Justice Souter 68. Perhaps all will be sitting in January 2013. Perhaps all will be retired. Voters who care about the Supreme Court ought to assume that the next president will have an impact on the future course of the Supreme Court greater than any president in modern times. The Court of course affects every aspect of American life, from the conduct of the war to the protection of the unborn, the right to worship and speak freely, the right to bear arms and the right to be free from intrusive governmental oversight. The Court can chose to protect private property or, as has been the case for decades, almost completely ignore this foundational right. The Court is the country's future in many respects, and the president is the keeper of the court." —Hugh Hewitt

Senate Makes Changes to Tax Rebate Proposal

As we said in our last news alert regarding the Economic Stimulus Package set forth by the White House and Congress, it is now the Senate's turn to review the proposal. As reported on Senator Max Baucus, these new changes and additions are as follows:

*Every single American with $3,000 in qualifying income who files a tax return in 2007 would get a $500 rebate.

*This amount will be $1,000 for couples filing joint tax returns.

*$300 per child will be given to families with children under 17. The definition of "qualifying income" will change to include Social Security benefits, so that more people can receive a check.

*This will help retirees, the disabled, and those not able to work a full-time job.

*Everyone will receive the full rebate amount, regardless of their tax liabilities. No upper income limits for rebate eligibility.

*Senate's plan would extend unemployment insurance benefits for jobless Americans by 13 weeks and give additional benefits to workers in states with a high unemployment rate.

*For business: extends a provision that allows businesses that are losing money to write off losses retroactively for as many as five years.

According to Senator Baucus' website, the House and Senate are set to finalize an effective stimulus bill in the coming weeks and have the bill signed by February 15, 2008. You can keep up on what the Senate is doing with this bill here:
http://www.senate.gov/~finance/sitepages/baucus.htm

Will more changes be forthcoming? Who knows? We are dealing with the US Congress after all.

The Florida Primary

Several stories going on here tonight: Will Florida be Rudy Guiliani's Waterloo? What will happen to the Democratic voters who have been disenfrancished by the DNC? What about the Kennedy endorsement of Obama?

I think Guiliani shot himself in the foot by ignoring the previous primaries and caucauses (caucausi?). Florida is a big state, and Rudy has spent considerable time and money here, but I don't think a New York mayor is going to do as well as he hopes (or thinks) he'll do. I just heard that (before the polls closed) Guiliani is running in third place. I think that's about where he will end up - maybe drop into fourth. Florida voters won't think about the time and effort put into Florida by Guiliani, or that he considers Florida "his" state. They'll see that other states didn't think much of Guiliani and wonder why they should vote for him when others didn't. He put all his eggs into one basket and I think all he'll end up with is scrambled eggs.

Because Florida didn't play by the DNC rules, the Democratic delegates have been taken away from Florida. If I were a Democratic voter, I would be furious that my vote isn't important to the party.

And finally, the Kennedy endorsement. The Kennedy clan, in the form of Senator Teddy, America's Daughter Caroline, and Representative Patrick, all have endorsed Obama. They totally ignored Hillary and slapped the Clinton's in the face with this endorsement. I find it interesting that they announced this endorsement just hours before the Florida primary. The Clinton campaign couldn't do much damage control, but the media was lapping it up and giving Obama a whole lot of publicity. Those who think the Kennedy clan is still Camelot will give more thought to Obama. The rest of us, who remember Jack and Bobby and think Senator Teddy can't hold a candle to either of his older brothers, will make our decisions based on rational thought, not blindless devotion.

Who will win Florida? I'm leaning toward a McCain win, but I wouldn't be surprised if Romney didn't pull it out. I'd love to see a Huckabee win, but I'm not expecting it. Giuiliani will pull out along with Ron Paul.

The Ski Trip

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." Said Bob .

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... you know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)

Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder

A stranger came by the other day with an offer that set me to thinking. He wanted to buy the old barn that sits out by the highway. I told him right off he was crazy. He was a city type, you could tell by his clothes, his car, his hands, and the way he talked. He said he was driving by and saw that beautiful barn sitting out in the tall grass and wanted to know if it was for sale. I told him he had a funny idea of beauty.

Sure, it was a handsome building in its day. But then, there's been a lot of winters pass with their snow and ice and howling wind. The summer sun's beat down on that old barn till all the paint's gone, and the wood has turned silver gray. Now the old building leans a good deal, looking kind of tired. Yet, that fellow called it beautiful.

That set me to thinking. I walked out to the field and just stood there, gazing at that old barn. The stranger said he planned to use the lumber to line the walls of his den in a new country home he's building down the road. He said you couldn't get paint that beautiful. Only years of standing in the weather, bearing the storms and scorching sun, only that can produce beautiful barn wood.

It came to me then. We're a lot like that, you and I. Only it's on the inside that the beauty grows with us. Sure we turn silver gray too...and lean a bit more than we did when we were young and full of sap. But the Good Lord knows what He's doing. And as the years pass He's busy using the hard weather of our lives, the dry spells and the stormy seasons to do a job of beautifying our souls that nothing else can produce. And to think how often folks holler because they want life easy.

They took the old barn down today and hauled it away to beautify a rich man's house. And I reckon someday you and I'll be hauled off to Heaven to take on whatever chores the Good Lord has for us on the Great Sky Ranch.

And I suspect we'll be more beautiful then for the seasons we've been through here...and just maybe even add a bit of beauty to our Father's house.

Thinking on Your Feet

A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.

The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

'Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."

"No kidding?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"