Saturday, November 12, 2011

A 72-year-old man goes for a physical. 

All of his tests come back normal so the doctor says, "Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?" 

Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes off." 

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says. 

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife. 

"Mrs. White," he says, "Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?" 

"OH, GOOD GRIEF!" Mrs. White exclaims, "He's peeing in the fridge again!"

Friday, November 11, 2011

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep 

Now I lay me down to sleep 
One less terrorist this world does keep 
With all my heart I give my thanks 
To those in uniform regardless of ranks
You serve our country and serve it well 
With humble hearts your stories tell 
So as I rest my weary eyes 
While freedom rings our flag still flies 
You give your all, do what you must 
With God we live and God we trust 

One of Maxine's best!! Indeed!

We need to show more sympathy for these people:

They travel miles in the heat.
They risk their lives crossing a border.
They don't get paid enough wages.
They do jobs that others won't do or are afraid to do.
They live in crowded conditions among a people who speak a different language.
They rarely see their families, and they face adversity all day - very day.

I'm not talking about illegal Mexicans. I'm talking about our troops! Doesn't it seem strange that many Democrats and Republicans are willing to lavish all kinds of social benefits on illegals, but don't support our troops, and are even threatening to defund them?

Kitten here: Shame on our Congress!!

Thursday, November 10, 2011

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. 

She put an ad in the local paper that read: 


On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. 

The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at have no legs!"

The old man smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!" 

She snorted. "You don't have any arms either!"

Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed???" 

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
True story from a Kansas State Highway Patrol officer

I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan, KS. I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance. The lady took out the required information and handed it to me. 

In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask if she had a weapon in her possession at this time. She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box. 

Something---body language, or the way she said it---made me want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what was she so afraid of. 

She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a damn thing!

Kitten here: I want to be her when I grow up!!

Tuesday, November 08, 2011

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1961, and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell. 

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.  "Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"

"Iced tea, please," Fred said. 

Mom brought the iced tea. "So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked. 

"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach." 

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him. 

"Really"' Fred replied, his eyebrows rising. 

"Oh yes," the mother continued, "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do! Screw, again and again!!" 

"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous. 

"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!" 

"Well, thanks for the tip!" Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening. 

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hooped skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred. 

"Have fun, kids!" the mother said as they left. 

Two hours later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her. 

"'The Twist'", Mom!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. "The f***ing dance is called "The Twist"!!

Monday, November 07, 2011

A fellow is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. There are two sheriff's deputies there. He asks if there is a problem. 

One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife. The guy says "sure" and shows him a picture of his wife. 

The deputy looks and says, "I'm sorry sir, but I must tell you it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

The guy says, " I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook."

Sunday, November 06, 2011

If you never were in trouble, How would you know that I will come to your rescue