Saturday, November 25, 2006

Part 5

Generica: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Gossip: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

Handkerchief: Cold Storage.

Heroes: what a guy in a boat does.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.

Inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O. J. trials were a prime example. Michael Jackson is another.
When You Care Enough To Send the Very Best
- Part 2
(but the Hallmark writers are having a bad day)

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go... Would you like to take this
knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

Happy birthday!
You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!

When we were together,
You always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?

I'm so miserable without you it's almost
like you're here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

Your friends and I wanted to do Something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

So your daughter's a hooker,
And it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay

from email
Florida's Newest Retirement Demographic

Friday, November 24, 2006

Part 4

Decafelon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Dust: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

Eclipse: what an English barber does for a living.

Egotist: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

Eyedropper: a clumsy ophthalmologist.

Flusterpated: Being so flustered that words get bound up inside you.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
When You Care Enough To Send the Very Best
(but the Hallmark writers are having a bad day )

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder... "What the heck
was I thinking?"

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

How could two people as beautiful as you
have such an ugly baby?

I've always wanted to have Someone to hold,
Someone to love. After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
Where's Bill?

Bill and Sam, two “senior” seniors, met in the neighborhood park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it; he thought Bill had a cold or virus.

After Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really was worried. Since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived; he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed and Sam decided he had seen the last of Bill.

Some time after, Sam approached the park; lo and behold, there sat Bill. Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"

Bill replied, "I've been in jail."

"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?"

"Yeah" said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she charged me with rape; I was so proud, that when I got into court, I pled ‘guilty’; that sorry Judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

Thursday, November 23, 2006

A Thanksgiving Poem

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May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey be plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious and
your pies take the prize,
and may your Thanksgiving dinner
stay off your thighs!

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Part 3

Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people.

Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Chickens: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Craughed: To laugh and cry simultaneously.

Crop Dusting: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
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Happy Thanksgiving!

Let us remember that, as much has been given us, much will be expected from us, and that true homage comes from the heart as well as from the lips, and shows itself in deeds.

- Theodore Roosevelt

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Wednesday Words of Wisdom

The trouble with life is there's no background music.
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Part 2

Beauty Parlor: A place where women curl up and dye.

Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Burglarize: What a crook sees with.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Part 1

Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)

Adminisphere: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Avoidable:What a bullfighter tries to do.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Sunday Humor

An elderly couple was attending church services and about half way through he leans over and says, "I just did a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

She replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
Grandma's Boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven? "

Grandma replied,"Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?

"The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted.
A Woman

This is written in the Hebrew Talmud, the book where all of the sayings and preaching of Rabbis are conserved over time.

It says:

"Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because
God counts her tears. The woman came out of a
man's rib. Not from his feet to be walked on.
Not from his head to be superior, but from the
side to be equal. Under the arm to be protected,
and next to the heart to be loved."

Pass this on to all exceptional women that you know.. and to men so they know the value of a woman.