Friday, January 27, 2006

The Question Was...

What color olives are used to make Olive Oil?

Olive oil is made only from green olives. Nearly the entire production of green olives grown in Italy is converted into olive oil.

Thursday, January 26, 2006


A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself.

A simple friend has never seen you cry
A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.

A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names.
A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book.

A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party.
A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean.

A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed.
A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.

A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems.
A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.

A simple friend wonders about your romantic history.
A real friend could blackmail you with it.

A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument.
A real friend calls you after you had a fight.

A simple friend expects you to always be there for them.
A real friend expects to always be there for you!
The Drug Problem in America

The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question,

''Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?''

I replied: I had a drug problem when I was young:

I was drug to church on Sunday morning.
I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.
I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.
I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.
I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, didnot speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.
I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profane four-letter word.
I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flower beds and cockleburs out of dad's fields.
I was drug to the homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood;
and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.
Those drugs are still in my veins; and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place.

~author unknown~
My Wish for You in 2006

May peace break into your house and may thieves come to steal your debts.
May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet of $200 bills.
May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips!
May your clothes smell of success like smoking tires and may happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy.
May the problems you had forget your home address! In simple words ............

May 2006 be the best year of your life!!!

Monday, January 23, 2006

A Guy Swallowed a Spoon

and found he couldn't stir.

1. Passing gas and blaming it on me... Not funny... Not funny at all !!!

2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A DOG, YOU NUMBSKULL!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... Stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog!Woooo-Hooooooo! Oh, what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. Dog sweaters. Hello??? Haven't you noticed the fur?

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these things, We both know who's boss here (you don't see me picking up your poop, do you?).

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Question of the Day

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

From Pun of the Day
Jesus on the 'Puter

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going on about it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said "THAT'S IT! I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They emailed.
They emailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports.
They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightening suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

"It's gone! It's all GONE!!" I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said, JESUS SAVES