It's An Animal's Life

Hey! Gimme my ball back!

from email

For The Ladies

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

Perspective on Politics and Economics

Europe - Part 4

Polish Corporation

You have two bulls.

Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

Belgian Corporation

You have one cow.

The cow is schizophrenic.

Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.

The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.

The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.

The cow asks permission to be cut in half.

The cow dies happy.

Asia

Japanese Corporation

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow

and produce twenty times the milk.

They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.

Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

from the Talkmaster

I've learned.

Make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence, and don't skip ahead.

I've learned...that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned...that we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

I've learned...that money doesn't buy class.

I've learned...that it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned...that under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned...that the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?

I've learned...that to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned.

I've learned...that the less time I have to work, the more things I get done.

A good friend

will come bail you out of jail....

But a true friend will be sitting next to you saying ...

WE screwed up, but we had fun! "

Wednesday Words of Wisdom

I don't suffer from insanity;

I enjoy every minute of it.

Subject: THIS WAS IN A TAMPA NEWSPAPER

Will we still be the Country of choice and still be America if we continue to make the changes forced on us by the people from other countries that came to live in America because it is the Country of Choice??????

Think about it! All we have to say is, when will they do something about MY RIGHTS?

I celebrate Christmas...........but because it isn't celebrated by everyone..............we can no longer say Merry Christmas. Now it has to be Season's Greetings.

It's not Christmas vacation, it's Winter Break. Isn't it amazing how this winter break ALWAYS occurs over the Christmas holiday?

We've gone so far the other way, bent over backwards to not offend anyone, that I am now being offended. But it seems that no one has a problem with that. This says it all!

This is an editorial written by an American citizen, published in a Tampa, FL Newspaper. He did quite a job; didn't he? Read on, please!

IMMIGRANTS, NOT AMERICANS, MUST ADAPT.

I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Sept. 11, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Americans. However...... the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the "politically correct!" crowd began complaining about the possibility that our patriotism was offending others.

I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to ! America. Our population is almost entirely made up of descendants of immigrants. However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to understand. This idea of America being a multicultural community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. As Americans...... we have our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle. This culture has been developed over centuries of struggles, trials, and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom.

We speak ENGLISH, not Spanish, Portuguese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society, learn the language!

"In God We Trust" is our national motto. This is not some Christian, right wing, political slogan.. We adopted this motto because Christian men and women.......on Christian principles............. founded this nation..... and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home.........because God is part of our culture.

If Stars and Stripes offend you, or you don't like Uncle Sam, then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet. We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don't care how you did things where you came from.

This is OUR COUNTRY, our land, and our lifestyle. Our First Amendment gives every citizen the right to express his opinion and we will allow you every opportunity to do so! But once you are done complaining....... whining...... and griping....... about our flag....... our pledge...... our national motto........or our way of life....I highly encourage you to take advantage of one other Great American Freedom....... THE RIGHT TO LEAVE.

This supposedly was printed in a Tampa newspaper, but since neither the author nor the newspaer were identified, I have doubts. If anyone knows who the author is, I'd like to give credit. I made a couple of changes (in style, no words), but had no intent to make any change in meaning. If I did, I apologize.

And on the subject of being Politically Correct, or Incorrect, as the case may be, there is a lot of talk about being patriotic or not. I am not about to accuse someone of being unpatriotic if that person doesn't agree with my viewpoint. America was founded on the right to have different opinions and the right to express those opinions.

Just because you and I don't agree, doesn't mean either of us is more, or less, patriotic than the other. We just have different opinions. I'm getting very tired of hearing politicians in particular, complaining that they are being accused of being unpatriotic because they have different opinions than the other side. Oh, they can complain all they want. And I have the right to be tired of hearing it. I have the right to change the channel or turn the page.

What we don't have the right to be is not offended. The Constitution guarantees a lot of things, but there is no guarantee to not be offended. I have the right to express that opinion, but it's part of living in a Republic such as ours that we have that right.

Grow up people. So what if you're offended because someone says "Merry Christmas". I've been wished a "Happy Hannukah". I'm not Jewish and I'm not offended by it. I am offended when someone says I "can't" say "Merry Christmas" because it offends them. Unless it is illegal, immoral, or unethical, leave me alone. We can have a discussion as to why you are offended, and if you have a logical reason for not wanting me to say, "Merry Christmas", I might say you have a point. I will then wish you a "Happy Holiday" "Season's Greetings" or whatever you wish. But I will continue to wish others a "Merry Christmas".

Don't tell me you're offended because I want immigrants and visitors to America to be here legally. Sorry, they are lawbreakers. I'm offended because they have so little regard for my country and the laws of my country that they think they have the right to live here illegally and I should accept it. No. That doesn't fly. Come legally and I will welcome you will open arms. I have to obey they laws and I expect you to do the same. I understand how dificult it can be to be here legally. I understand that most people who are here illegally are here because they want to either earn a better living than they can in their home country, or just because they want to be here for some other reason.

But don't tell me I shouldn't be offended that you think it's okay to break the law in my country. I am offended. And I don't care if I offend you by being offended.

Offended? Tough.

He said...no

A girl asked a guy if he thought she was pretty.

He said...no.

She asked him if he would want to be with her forever.

And he said no.

She then asked him if she were to leave would he cry, and once again he replied with a no.

She had heard enough. As she walked away, tears streaming down her face the boy grabbed her arm and said...

You're not pretty, you're beautiful. I don't want to be with you forever, I NEED to be with you forever. And I wouldn't cry if you walked away...I'd die...

SO NOW I WILL SAY:

I like you because of who you are to me...A true friend.

YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH

Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway - but the Hershey Man will know! This is pretty neat.

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST! It takes less than a minute. Work this out as you read ...Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out! This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1756 ....If you haven't, add 1755.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born. You should have a three digit number

The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).

The next two numbers areYOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)

Another Senior Citizen Test - Answers

1. You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

2. If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

3. Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only .Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30 . Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?

The correct answer is actually 4100. Try it with a calculator if you don't believe it.

4. Mary's father has five daughters: Nana, Nene, Nini, and Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't.Her name is Mary. Read the question again!

Bonus Round!!

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

Answer next week. (How else can I get you to come back?)

How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds".

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat - with a serious face.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day at work.

14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives! They're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity . . . e-mail this to someone to make them smile and laugh. It's called therapy.

Natural Highs

1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. No lines at the supermarket
5. A special glance.
6. Getting mail
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Chocolate milkshake. (or vanilla or strawberry!)
12. A bubble bath.
13. Giggling.
14. A good conversation.
15. The beach
16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter.
17. Laughing at yourself.
18. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
19. Running through sprinklers.
20. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
21. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
22. Laughing at an inside joke.
23. Friends.
24. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
25. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
26. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).
27. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
28. Playing with a new puppy.
29. Having someone play with your hair.
30. Sweet dreams.
31. Hot chocolate.
32. Road trips with friends
33. Swinging on swings.
34. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
35. Making chocolate chip cookies.
36. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.
37. Holding hands with someone you care about.
38. Running into an old friend and realizingthat some things (good or bad) never change.
39. Watching the _expression on someone's faceas they open a much desired present from you.
40. Watching the sunrise.
41. Getting out of bed every morning andbeing grateful for another beautiful day.
42. Knowing that somebody misses you.
43. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.
44. Knowing you've done the right thing,no matter what other people think.

Martha vs. Maxine

Martha's Way

Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

Maxine's Way

The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't.

from email

She was so thrifty

she could smell a bargain a mall away.

Temperance Sermon

It doesn't matter what your religious denomination or preference is or isn't---THIS is funny! Enjoy.

A southern Baptist minister was completing a temperance sermon.

With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, “I'd take it and pour it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

A Famous Professor of Surgery Died and Went to Heaven.

At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper: "Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?''

"Yes," the professor ansvered. "When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not see it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now."

''Well," said the gatekeeper. 'That is a very minor sin. You may enter."

''Thank you very much, Saint Peter," the professor answered.

"I am not Saint Peter," said the gatekeeper."He is having his lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas."

Did You Know?

It is said that 86% of Americans believe in God. Therefore, it is very hard to understand why there is such a mess about having the Ten Commandments on display or "In God We Trust" on our money and having God in the Pledge of Allegiance.

Why don't we just tell the other 14% to Sit Down and SHUT UP!!!

VERY SPECIAL DELIVERY

May the Lord open up the windows of heaven and pour you a blessing that you will not have room enough to receive it all.

May the Lord bless you exceedingly and abundantly, above all you could ever hope for.

May the Lord bless you that you may walk in a financial overflow.

May you fall in love with him for the rest of your days in the Name of Jesus.

Amen!

from email