Thursday, January 03, 2008

Is That Your Final Answer?

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau.

If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.

And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?

Is it:

A) the condor B) the buzzard C) the cuckoo D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline.

The woman hoped she would not have to use it because her friend was, well, blonde.

She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

"I need an answer," said Regis.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?"

"Yes, that is my final answer."

Two minutes later, Regis said, "That answer is... Absolutely correct!! You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later , the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

"Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on," said the blonde.. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."
Random Thoughts

There are two sides to every divorce . . . Yours and Shithead's.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: 'Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!'

I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.

I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade . . if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

I am a nobody.. Nobody is perfect ... and therefore I am perfect.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have 'Schiffer Brains.'

No one ever says 'It's only a game!!' when their team is winning.

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Bull Fight

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed the meal being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry Senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si,Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Why Married Women Should Avoid A Girls Night Out

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed at all.

Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. shit.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."