Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money?
This is a riot for anyone who works in an office and understands all the issues that HR goes through now with Diversity and an "Inclusive Environment". Enjoy! (Be sure to read to the end.)
Subject: Christmas Party FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees DATE: 4th November RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make a special announcement at the Party.
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 5th November RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party.' The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?
FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 6th November RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management believe $10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 7th November RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can ! appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table, too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All F****** Employees DATE: 8 November RE: The ******** Holiday Party.
Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it. You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feeling, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!! Hope you all have a rotten holiday * drink, drive, and die!
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director DATE: 9th November RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.
In the United States and Canada, his name is Santa Claus. He flies through the sky in a sleigh pulled by eight reindeer.
In England his name is Father Christmas. He looks much like Santa Claus, but he has a longer coat and a longer beard.
In Wales (a principality in the United Kingdom), Santa is called Sion Corn - this translates as "Chimney John" relating to the story that Santa comes down the chimney of each house to bring his gifts to the children within.
In France, he's known as Pere Noel. He is also called Pere Noel in Canada.
In Brazil and Peru, he's called Papai Noel.
In Germany, children get presents from Christkind, the Christ Child on the 24th of December. Also, in Germany Knecht Ruprecht and his helpers come on the 6th of December. Krampus brings coal or a wooden stick to the children that have not been good, Knecht Ruprecht brings mostly cookies, nuts and a small toy to the good children. Belsnickel - German version of Santa who carries a switch to beat the bad children. In Germany, Father Christmas can also be called der Weihnachtsmann.
In Poland, Santa is "Gwiazdor" ("star man") -- for the North Star. He visits children on Christmas Eve, bringing presents. The Christmas Eve meal begins once the first star is seen. "Swiety Mikolaj" (Saint Nicholas) was a cardinal in the Catholic Church, he visits children on December 6th and he brings presents, mostly sweets, which he leaves in children clean (it is very important) shoes.
In Costa Rica, Colombia, and parts of Mexico, the gift bringer is El Nino Jesus, "the infant Jesus." In Puerto Rico, children receive gifts from the Three Kings on January 6th. Each child puts grass under their bed for the camels and in the morning the grass is replaced with gifts.
Jultomten or Tomten Sweden. Jultomten visits in the evening before Christmas day, pulling a big bag of julklappar (Christmas presents) in the deep snow.
På norsk (in Norwegian) "Julenissen" arrives on the evening of the 24th.
In the Netherlands, he is called Kerstman. He flies through the sky with his reindeers and puts gifts under the Christmas tree on the 25th of December. De Kerstman lives in Finland. His counterpart "Sinterklaas" is another saint, who is celebrated on the 5th of December.
Sinterklaas comes back every year from his home in Spain by steamboat, together with him are a whole group of "zwarte pieten" who help him while he's riding on the roofs - distributing gifts through the chimney.
In Finland, he is called Joulupukki and his home is in Lapland in the north part of Finland called Korvatunturl. Also in Finland, the Swedish-speaking Finns (finlandssvenskar) call him Julgubben.
In Spain the children the night of January 5th put their shoes under the Christmas tree and have presents from the Three Kings (Los Reyes Magos: Melchor, Gaspar and Baltasar). Santa Claus is called Papa Noel and there are children who have presents both days on December 25th (from Papa Noel) and on January 6th (from the Three Kings).
In Russia, he is called Grandfather Frost or Ded Moroz. Also, there is Babooska the person who was searching for Christ the night he was born. She spoke to the Three Wise Men or Three Kings on their way to find him, they offered their company to her. But she replied I am too old, so the Three Men went on without her and she set search the following day but the "King" had gone from his birth place and when Babooska heard the news she decided to give her presents for Christ to the childern in her country Russia every year on the 13th of Dec to make them happy.
He is also called Kriss Kringle - origin unknown.
He is also called St. Nick origin Turkey.
Karácsony Apó, is Santa in Hungarian.
In Italy, he is called Babbo Natale. Also, they recieve their presents on January 6th from the gift bringer an old lady called Befana.
Black Peter, St Nick's helper which originates from Morocco or Liberia.
In China, he is called Shengdan Laoren.
In Denmark they call him, Julemand.
In Hong Kong they call him Sing dan lo ian in Cantonese.
In Slovenia they call him Bozicek.
In Latvia Santa Claus is called Ziemmassve'tku veci'tis.
In the country Uruguay he is called Papá Noel.
In Lithuania Santa Claus is called Kaledu Senis.
In Portugal Santa Claus is known as Pai Natal. He brings presents on Christmas Eve. However, the portuguese tradition says the presents in that night are brought by the Newborn Jesus "Menino Jesus".
In Estonia he is called Jouluvana.
In Ireland he is called Santa Claus and children abbreviate this to just Santy.
Many children in the Hindu religion receive gifts from their god Ganesha during the Holiday Season.
In Austria, children get presents from Christkindl, the Christ Child on the 24th of December.
In Greece, Santa Claus is called "Aghios Vassilis" and he comes on the night of 31st December leaving the presents under the tree for the children to find them on New Year's Day.
In Hawaii, Santa Claus is known as Kanakaloka.
In Armenian, Santa Clause is Gaghant Baba and he brings presents to all the good girls and boys.
The name for Santa in Yugoslavia is Deda Mraz.
In Croatia, he is called Bozicnjak.
In Bulgaria they call him Diado Coleda.
In El Salvador, for some families Santa Claus brings gifts on Christmas Eve to those children who are well behaved. People get together with the family, children go to bed and find a gift on December 25th.
In Urdu he is called Baba Christmass.
In Romania, Santa Claus is Mos Craciun and he comes on the night of the 24th of December bringing presents. Also, the night of the 5th of December is Mos Nicolae (St. Nicholas) puts candies in the good children boots or a stick in the bad ones.
As you know, it is very important for Santa and his reindeer to be very quiet when they deliver presents on Christmas Eve so no one will know they are there.
One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus landed on a rooftop and suddenly he heard a very loud, "Snort sniff honk honk snort!" coming from one of his reindeer. Since he was in the sleigh behind them, he didn't know which one it was. It happened again, only louder this time, "Snort sniff honk honk snort!" Dogs in the neighbourhood began to bark.
"Shhh!" Santa hissed. "Please be quiet!" He went to work lifting the sack of toys out of the sleigh when he heard it again, only a lot louder this time, "SNORT SNIFF HONK HONK SNORT!"
Lights came on all over the neighbourhood, and some people even stuck their heads out of their windows. Santa was horrified. Jumping back into the sleigh, he drove quickly back to the North Pole. He lined up all the reindeer and announced, "We are not going to deliver another present until the reindeer who is making funny noises with his nose steps forward and apologizes!"
None of the reindeer stepped forward.Santa held up a piece of paper."I know who it is and I have written your name on this paper. But I want to give you a chance to do the right thing on your own."Still none of the reindeer came forward.
So Santa did the only thing he could do...He read off the rude-nosed reindeer...
Here comes Santa Claus! Here comes Santa Claus! Right down Santa Claus Lane! Vixen and Blitzen and all his reindeer are pulling on the reins.
Bells are ringing, children singing; All is merry and bright. Hang your stockings and say your prayers, 'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight.
Here comes Santa Claus! Here comes Santa Claus! Right down Santa Claus Lane! He's got a bag that is filled with toys for the boys and girls again. Hear those sleigh bells jingle jangle, What a beautiful sight. Jump in bed, cover up your head, 'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight
A guy goes into his dentist's office, because something is wrong with his mouth. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?"
"Well... the only thing I can think of is this... my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it... Hollandaise sauce she called it... and doctor, I'm talkin' DELICIOUS! I've never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I've been putting it on everything... meat, fish, toast, vegetables... you name it!"
"That's probably it," replied the dentist "Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as thought I'll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time."
"Why chrome?" the man asked.
"Well, everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"