It's An Animal's Life

JUST GIVE ME 5 MINUTES. 5 MINUTES IS ALL I NEED AND I WILL BE GOOD AS NEW!

from email

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'

- Dave Barry

"Unionism seldom, if ever, uses such power as it has to insure better work; almost always it devotes a large part of that power to safeguarding bad work."

- H.L. Mencken

The LARK Program

A lady libertarian wrote many letters to the White House complaining about the treatment of a captive insurgent being held in Guantanamo Bay. She received the following reply:

__________________________

The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C. 20016

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Quaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay. Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or "LARK" for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers since, we will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually), since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka -- over time.

Just remember that it is all part of "respecting his culture and his religious beliefs" -- wasn't that how you put it? And by the way, while Ahmed resides with you it will be imperative that you provide for his special dietary needs and his daily prayer requirements. And oh yes, please do not touch his Koran.

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember, we'll be watching. Good luck!

Cordially, your friend,

Don Rumsfeld

Ingenuity Southern Style

One morning, three Southerners and three Yankees were in a ticketcounter line at a train station. The three Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as the three Southerners bought just one ticket.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the Yankees.

"Watch and learn," answered one of the boys from the South.

All six boarded the train where the three Yankees sat down, but the three Southerners crammed into a toilet together and closed the door.

Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, "Ticket, please.

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.

The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

That afternoon when they got back to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their astonishment,the three Southerners didn't buy even one ticket.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked a perplexed Yankee.

"Watch and learn," answered the three Southern boys in unison. When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves into a toilet and the three Southerners crammed into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left their toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the Yankees were hiding.

The Southerner knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

There's just no way on God's green earth to explain how the Yankees ever won the war.

My Fellow Americans....

Wouldn't it be great to turn on the TV and hear any US President, Democrat or Republican, give the following speech?

My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed.

Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now to begin the reckoning.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.

Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.

I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York!

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.

Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now.

We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They care.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin."

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America.

To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won't forget. To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic.

God bless America. Thank you and good night.

If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.

Sand Fantasy

Here's a link you might enjoy. Very peaceful, very interesting. And, no, it's not dogs or the FairTax!

Sheriff Hopes Six-Pound Dog Will Sniff Out Drugs

This seems to be turning into a dog/FairTax only blog, but these days, I seem to be a two topic writer lately. Eventually, I'll get back into other topics, such as politics and hurricanes.

Anyway, for you dog lovers, here's a link you may find amusing and interesting. The story is copywrited (yada, yada, yada), so I won't copy and past the story here. But, it's worth reading if you like small dogs.

Enjoy!

Nothing Better Than Friendship

from email

Happy Birthday Brother John!

Today is my brother's birthday. I won't say how old he is because he's 10 years older than I am, and frankly, I prefer not to announce my own age :D I'm not really vain, but there are just things I would rather keep to myself.

Even though we don't talk often, I think of you often and love you very much.

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your Pocket and then give him only two of them.

-Phil Pastoret

Test, This is Just a Test

Below, you will find words written in different colors. As quickly as you can, read aloud the color that each word is written in... not the actual word that is written.

YELLOW BLUE ORANGE

WHITE RED GREEN BLUE

ORANGE YELLOW

WHITE GREEN RED BLUE

WHITE GREEN YELLOW

ORANGE BLUE GREEN

RED WHITE RED BLUE

YELLOW ORANGE RED

WHITE

Why is this hard?

This test is checking your brain's ability to separate the left brain functions and right brain functions. The problem is that the left side of your brain is trying to tell you to read the word, while at the same time, the right side of your brain is trying to tell you to identify the color!!!

The goal in life should to be as good a person as your dog thinks you are.

Wednesday Words of Wisdom

Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

McBride Backs Fair Tax

Date: 24-07-2006

Will McBride, candidate for the Republican nomination to oppose Sen. Bill Nelson, announced today “my unqualified backing for the Fair Tax.

“The proposed fair tax, sponsored in the Congress by Representative John Linder and by Senator Saxby Chambliss will not only be far easier to pay and less costly to administer, most Americans -- especially the poor -- will pay less than they currently do”, McBride observed.

Will McBride noted that he has “studied the Linder-Chambliss bill and it represents a great step forward for all Americans as well as for efficiency in government. I pledge that as a member of the Senate, I will fight for the successful passage of this very important legislation.”

The Fair Tax Act of 2005 originally introduced in January of that year, has 72 announced supporters in the House of Representatives and eight in the Senate, plus 64 Representatives and 16 Senators considered by Americans for Fair Taxation [ www.fairtax.org ] as “leaning in favor and likely to vote for it”.

Seven Florida members of Congress are co-sponsors of the legislation and six more plus Senator Mel Martinez are “leaning in favor and likely to vote for it”. To date, Senator Bill Nelson and Representative Katherine Harris “will not commit”, according to Americans for Fair Taxation.

“Like all Americans, my family and my earnings are subject to taxation”, McBride commented, “and this is not ordinary taxation: it is the most complex system of taxing in the world. There is simply no need for our federal Internal Revenue Code to be some 15 thousand pages long. It is unbelievably confusing and even the thousands of accountants and attorneys whose job it is to help clients comply with the law, admit that our tax code is riddled with contradictions.

“It is an honor for me to stand with elected Florida Representatives Michael Bilirakis, Ander Crenshaw, Ric Keller, John Mica, Jeff Miller, Cliff Stearns and Bill Young in support of this critical legislation”, McBride concluded.

The above is a press release from the McBride for Senate website. I am not specifically endorsing Mr. McBride, just offering this information for your perusal.

PRESS RELEASE

Fixing the tax code is a popular political agenda item. Besides continually "fixing" the income tax code, there are numerous alternatives, including "Flat Tax" and "Fair tax".NDAC has studied many alternatives. Numerous factors contribute to the analysis of revenue systems. Some of these are "fairness" and equity to the tax paying population, cost of application, and performance; but the single most dominant public awareness factor is the role played by the collection agency. In fact, it is this overriding aspect taken together with the public disdain for the IRS that leads NDAC to recommend a National Retail Sales Tax to replace the income tax.Our current system was derived from a Flat Tax. It taxes income. Thus it punishes increased income.The National Debt Awareness Center (NDAC) recommends that income tax be replaced with a National Retail Sales Tax and that the IRS be dissolved.A National Retail Sales Tax gets rid of intrusive government involvement with the taxpayer's life by getting rid of the "income tax" concept. Furthermore, prediction of revenue based on sales statistics will be more accurate than prediction based on analysis of income. Analysis of personal income by a government agency would be a thing of the past.

Want Details on how this would work? Click here. Oh, and here's another good source, Fair Tax.

Go to National Debt Awareness Center web site.

Welcome to Florida (Hurricane Season!)

To: ex-Floridians, present Floridians, and future Floridians or those who know a Floridian.

We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:

(1) There is no need to panic.

(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one.''

Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanksgiving.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

1 - It is reasonably well-built, and

2 - It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.

Since Hurricane Andrew, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets.

There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

"Hurricane-proof'' windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.; you should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida" you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.

In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

1 - 23 flashlights.

2 - At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights. Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what The bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some!)

3 - A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.

4 - A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)

5 - A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)

6 - $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck and remember: it's great living in paradise! Those of you who aren't here yet you should come. Really! And besides the alligators we also have sharks, roaches that fly, humidity, cotton mouth snakes and lots of illegal aliens.

Riddle Answer

There is a common English word that is nine letters long. Each time you remove a letter from it, it still remains an English word - from nine letters right down to a single letter. What is the original word, and what are the words that it becomes after removing one letter at a time?

The base word is..

Startling

starting

staring

string

sting

sing

sin

in

I

"It is a singular advantage of taxes on articles of consumption that they contain in their own nature a security against excess. They prescribe their own limit, which cannot be exceeded without defeating the end purposed - that is, an extension of the revenue."

-- Alexander Hamilton (Federalist No. 21)

God is like ...

DIAL SOAP .... Aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everybody did?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

To my nephew, Jeff

Hope it's a great day!!

and now we are officially into the family brithday season. My cousins, Lynda and Tom, had birthdays on the 26th and 29th respectively, Jeff's is today, Jeff's dad (and my brother) celebrates on the 4th, his wife Judi, and their grandson Matt are the 6th. My cousin Lora (Tom's sister) is the 7th, my birthday falls on the 12th, another cousin, Jack is the 13th, niece Christie (Jeff's sister) is the 31st. And Jeff and Christie's mom, Patti, ends it all on September 2nd.

Now to be fair, I don't celebrate most of the above birthdays. And, they don't celebrate mine either, for that matter :D I would at least send a card, but I have no address for most of them. Such is the way of growing older and living different lives in different states.

Slow Down

Jack took a long look at his speedometer before slowing down: 73 in a 55 zone. Fourth time in as many months. How could a guy get caught so often?

When his car had slowed to 10 miles an hour, Jack pulled over, but only partially. Let the cop worry about the potential traffic hazard. Maybe some other car will tweak his backside with a mirror. The cop was stepping out of his car, the big pad in hand.

Bob? Bob from Church? Jack sunk farther into his trench coat. This was worse than the coming ticket. A cop catching a guy from his own church. A guy who happened to be a little eager to get home after a long day at the office. A guy he was about to play golf with tomorrow.

Jumping out of the car, he approached a man he saw every Sunday, a man he'd never seen in uniform.

"Hi, Bob. Fancy meeting you like this."

"Hello, Jack." No smile.

"Guess you caught me red-handed in a rush to see my wife and kids."

"Yeah, I guess." Bob seemed uncertain. Good.

"I've seen some long days at the office lately. I'm afraid I bent the rules a bit -just this once." Jack toed at a pebble on the pavement.

"Diane said something about roast beef and potatoes tonight. Know what I mean?"

"I know what you mean. I also know that you have a reputation in our precinct ." Ouch. This was not going in the right direction. Time to change tactics.

"What'd you clock me at?"

"Seventy. Would you sit back in your car please?"

"Now wait a minute here, Bob. I checked as soon as saw you. I was barely nudging 65." The lie seemed to come easier with every ticket.

"Please, Jack, in the car."

Flustered, Jack hunched himself through the still-open door. Slamming it shut, he stared at the dashboard. He was in no rush to open the window.

The minutes ticked by. Bob scribbled away on the pad.

Why hadn't he asked for a driver's license?

Whatever the reason, it would be a month of Sundays before Jack ever sat near this cop again. A tap on the door jerked his head to the left. There was Bob, a folded paper in hand Jack rolled down the window a mere two inches, just enough room for Bob to pass him the slip.

"Thanks." Jack could not quite keep the sneer out of his voice.

Bob returned to his police car without a word. Jack watched his retreat in the mirror. Jack unfolded the sheet of paper. How much was this one going to cost?

Wait a minute. What was this? Some kind of joke?

Certainly not a ticket. Jack began to read:

"Dear Jack, Once upon a time I had a daughter. She was six when killed by a car. You guessed it- a speeding driver. A fine and three months in jail, and the man was free. Free to hug his daughters, all three of them. I only had one, and I'm going to have to wait until Heaven before I can ever hug her again.

A thousand times I've tried to forgive that man. A thousand times I thought I had. Maybe I did, but I need to do it again. Even now. Pray for me. And be careful, Jack, my son is all I have left."

"Bob"

Jack turned around in time to see Bob's car pull away and head down the road. Jack watched until it disappeared. A full 15 minutes later, he too, pulled away and drove slowly home, praying for forgiveness and hugging a surprised wife and kids when he arrived.

Life is precious. Handle with care. This is an important message; please pass it along to your friends. Drive safely and carefully. Remember, cars are not the only things recalled by their maker.