Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Saddam to Hang

The appeals court has upheld the death sentence for Saddam Hussein, former dictator of Iraq. He is to be hanged within 30 days. Saddam is currently on trial for more crimes. If hanged before that trial ends, the trial will continue.

I am a proponent of the death penalty, but I never, even in this case, rejoice when someone is sentenced to death. I can't help but feel that sometime, this person deviated from a path where they could have been an asset to society.

If Saddam had never deviated from his original path, perhaps he could have lead Iraq into becoming a world power. With the oil Iraq has, the potential was there. But he chose a different path where he became a tyrant. Elections were held, but the citizens of Iraq had no choice but to vote for him. The women of Iraq, if they caught the eye of one or the other of his sons, knew they could be kidnapped and raped. In a world where women must remain virgins, this was devastating. And there could be no retribution. Fathers and brothers, and even husbands who protested could just disappear. That's if the woman was returned to her family and not murdered.

If a man chose to speak out again Saddam, he could be tortured and killed. The details of the torture can be found in any number of places. I won't describe what happened; it's so gruesome I can't bring myself to even try. When you think about the tortured being killed, you might think about hanging, being beaten to death, shot, stabbed, and maybe other methods of murder. Think about being shredded. Yes, that was an option.

No, I can't rejoice, but I can say that, in my opinion, it's just.
Christmas Card

For My Secular Progressive Friends:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere . Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting these greetings, you are accepting the aforementioned terms as stated. This greeting is not subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself/himself/others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

For My Traditional Conservative Friends:

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

It was the day AFTER Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking at the manger scene, when he noticed that the baby Jesus figure was missing from the cradle.

He immediately turned and went outside, and saw a little boy with a red wagon walking down the street. And in the wagon, was the figure of the infant Jesus.

So he walked up to the boy and said, "Son, where did you get that little baby Jesus that's in your wagon?"

The little boy smiled and replied, "I got him from the church."

"And why did you take him?" asked the pastor.

The little boy replied, "Well, about a week before Christmas, I prayed and I told Jesus if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride in it!"

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I've heard it before, but it's still worth repeating
Sad News from Washington, DC

No Nativity Scene in Washington , DC, this year!

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington, DC, this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable, and the entire capitol for that matter.

Monday, December 25, 2006

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Another Beautiful Site for Christmas

Here's the
Mary Did You Know?

link to a version by Kenny Rogers and Wynonna Judd. Beautiful artwork to go with a beautiful song.

Lovely...just lovely.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Hanukkah Vocabulary
Part 1 - Answers

1. Dreidel - a children's game played with a small four-sided top with Hebrew letters marked on the sides, usu. at Hanukkah.

2. Kislev - the third month of the Jewish lunisolar calendar, occurring from late November through early December in the Gregorian calendar.

3. Latke - a pancake, esp. one made of grated potatoes.

4. Menorah - a candelabrum or candlestick with seven or nine branches, used in Jewish worship.

5. Miracle - an event that cannot be explained by the known laws of nature and is therefore attributed to a supernatural or divine power.

6. Temple - a building or place where a deity or deities are worshiped.

7. Candle - a cylindrical stick of wax or waxlike substance enclosing a wick and burned to give light.
Santa's Secret Wish

On Christmas Eve, a young boy with light in his eyes
Looked deep into Santa's, to Santa's surprise
And said as he sat on Santa's broad knee,
"I want your secret. Tell it to me."
He leaned up and whispered in Santa's good ear
"How do you do it year after year?"

"I want to know how, as you travel about,
Giving gifts here and there, you never run out.
How is it Dear Santa, that in your pack of toys
You have plenty for all of the world's girls and boys?
Stays so full, never empties, as you make your way
From rooftop to rooftop, to homes large and small,
From nation to nation, reaching them all?"

And Santa smiled kindly and said to the boy,
"Don't ask me hard questions. Don't you want a toy?"
But the child shook his head, and Santa could see
That he needed the answer. "Now listen to me,"
He told that small boy with the light in his eyes,
"My secret will make you sadder and wise.

"The truth is that my sack is magic inside
It holds millions of toys for my Christmas Eve ride.
But although I do visit each girl and each boy
I don't always leave them a gaily wrapped toy
Some homes are hungry, some homes are sad,
Some homes are desperate, some homes are bad.

"Some homes are broken, and the children there grieve.
Those homes I visit, but what should I leave?
My sleigh is filled with the happiest stuff,
But for homes where despair lives toys aren't enough.

"So I tiptoe in, kiss each girl and boy,
And I pray with them that they'll be given the joy
Of the spirit of Christmas, the spirit that lives
In the heart of the dear child who gets not, but gives.

"If only God hears me and answers my prayer,
When I visit next year, what I will find there
Are homes filled with peace, and with giving, and love
And boys and girls gifted with light from above.

"It's a very hard task, my smart little brother,
to give toys to some, and to give prayers to others.
But the prayers are the best gifts, the best gifts indeed,
For God has a way of meeting each need.
That's part of the answer. The rest, my dear youth,
is that my sack is magic. And that is the truth.

"In my sack I carry on Christmas Eve Day
More love than a Santa could e'er give away.
The sack never empties of love, or of joys
Cause inside it are prayers, and hope. Not just toys
The more that I give, the fuller it seems,
Because giving is my way of fulfilling dreams.

"And do you know something? You've got a sack, too.
It's as magic as mine, and it's inside of you.
It never gets empty, it's full from the start.
It's the center of lights, and love. It's your heart
And if on this Christmas you want to help me,
Don't be so concerned with the gifts 'neath your tree.
Open that sack called your heart and share
Your joy, your friendship, your wealth, your care."

The light in the small boy's eyes was glowing.
"Thanks for your secret. I've got to be going."
"Wait, little boy," Said Santa, "don't go.
Will you share? Will you help? Will you use what you know?"
And just for a moment the small boy stood still,
Touched his heart with his small hand and whispered, "I will."

Received in email
Name That Christmas Carol - Answers

1. Listen to the celestial messengers produce harmonious sounds - Hark the Herald Angels Sing

2. Embellish the interior passageways - Deck the Halls

3. Twelve o’clock on a clement night witnessed its arrival - It Came Upon a Midnight Clear

4. The Christmas preceding all others - The First Noel

5. Small municipality in Judi south of Jerusalem - O Little Town of Bethleham

6. Omnipotent supreme being who elicits respite in distinguished males -
God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen

7. Nocturnal time span of unbroken quietness - Silent Night

8. Obese personification fabricated of compressed mounds of minute crystals - Frosty the Snowman

9. Tintinnabulation of vacillating pendulums in inverted, metallic resonant cups - Jingle Bells

10. In awe of the eventide of characterized by religiosity - Oh Holy Night

Monday, December 18, 2006

A Christmas Poem

If you see a fat man...
Who's jolly and cute
Wearing a beard
And a red flannel suit
And if he is chuckling
And laughing away
While flying around
In a miniature sleigh
With eight tiny reindeer
To pull him along
Then, friend, let's face it...
Your eggnog's too strong!

~author unknown~

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Shalom aleichem shalom!

While Christians around the world celebrate the birth of Christ, our Jewish friends and neighbors celebrate Hanukkah, which begins this year on December 25th. I didn't want to simply ignore Hanukkah, but since it's not "my" holiday, I forget how important it is to much of the world. So, to my Jewish friends and readers, I wish you a Happy Hannukkah.

KANSAS CITY, Mo. (AP) - The letters pour in from children around the world, telling two magical far-off figures their holiday wishes.

These missives aren't sent to Santa Claus. They come from Jewish boys and girls who, for so long, had no one to write each December. They're for an ageless Kansas City couple known simply by Yiddish derivatives for grandmother and grandfather, Bubbie and Zadie.

The story was created in 1981 by Danny Bloom, then a thirtysomething public relations professional at an Alaskan community college who wanted to pen a holiday narrative for Jewish children.

"I remember as a Jewish kid myself growing up in Massachusetts every winter reading the newspaper and seeing the TV shows about Santa Claus. Jewish kids couldn't participate," he said.

The story told of a diminutive grandma and grandpa, bundled up for the cold, who are able to fly through the skies on the first night of Hanukkah. Bubbie and Zadie once lived in Alaska but later moved to Kansas City to run a tailor shop. They visit children everywhere, bringing them stories and songs instead of gifts.

In 1985, his story was published as "Bubbie and Zadie Come to My House." It wasn't a huge sell but publicity surrounding its release kept children's letters coming by the thousands. Bloom answered them all with handwritten notes.

The popularity of Bubbie and Zadie has risen and fallen through the years, as Bloom moved to Japan and now, to Chiayi City, Taiwan, where he is a freelance writer.

He is 56, single, and rents a fifth-floor studio apartment. He rides a bicycle and motor scooter because he has no car and sends e-mails from an Internet cafe because he doesn't have a computer.

With his book out of print, many of Bloom's young writers have found it at a library, come across it on the Internet, or have parents who as children read the Bubbie and Zadie story themselves.

Using an address posted online, most children send letters the traditional way, though Bubbie and Zadie have also received e-mail.

Some of the letters amount to Jewish children's wish lists, but most are exactly what Bloom hoped for - messages of innocence and simplicity.

"Your Hanukkah story in the book is so beautiful and I enjoyed having Grammy read it to me," wrote a 7-year-old Kansas City girl.

"I was so happy to get your letter in the mail because here in Idaho there are not many Jewish people," said an 11-year-old girl from Boise. An 8-year-old boy from Teaneck, N.J, wrote: "My older sister says you might be fake! Are you?"

When responding, Bloom says, he tries to put himself in his own grandmother's frame of mind, not preaching about religion, just being a friendly older presence who treats children as his equals. He signs all his notes "Bubbie and Zadie."

Bloom calls the Bubbie and Zadie project his hobby. But with no synagogue to be found and Judaism virtually nonexistent in Taiwan, it may serve a larger purpose, too.

"This program connects me back to my own culture," he said. "These letters fill up my life with something I don't have."

Bloom's program is now in its 25th year, and he hopes that it might someday inspire a cartoon or film.

"It's my big dream that writing to Bubbie and Zadie would become a part of American Jewish culture," he said.

Above story By MATT SEDENSKY

find out more about Bubbie and Zadie at: http://bubbieandzadiefiles.blogspot.com

Letters to Bubbie and Zadie can be sent to Bubbie and Zadie's Tailor Shoppe, Offshore Global Maildrop, Post Office Box 1000, Chiayi City, 600-99, Taiwan.
Recipe for Holiday Fruit Cake

You'll need the following:

A cup of water
a cup of sugar
four large brown eggs
two cups of mixed dried fruit
a teaspoon of salt
a cup of brown sugar
lemon juic
A bottle of whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality
Take a large bowl
Check the whiskey again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.


Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still okay.
Cry another tup.
Turn off the mixer.
Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of alt.
Or something.
Who cares?
Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table.
Of sugar or something.
Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again and go to bed.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

The Dentist Visit

A guy goes into his dentist's office, because something is wrong with his mouth. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?"

"Well... the only thing I can think of is this... my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it... Hollandaise sauce she called it... and doctor, I'm talkin' DELICIOUS! I've never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I've been putting it on everything... meat, fish, toast, vegetables... you name it!"

"That's probably it," replied the dentist "Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as thought I'll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time."

"Why chrome?" the man asked.

"Well, everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
Hanukkah Vocabulary
Part 1

In an effort to enrich our lives by learning something of another religion (if, of course you are not Jewish), I've provided a vocabulary quiz for you, my loyal reader. I am not being PC by including Hanukkah during the Christian holidays, but rather embracing a very small part of the Jewish religion - it's language. And remember, the eight days of Hanukkah are important days in the Jewish religion. That they generally co-incide with the Christian holiday of Christmas is a reminder of the ancestry and history we share.

I'm not going to give you the word and ask you to define it; rather, I'll give you the definition and ask you to supply the word. I'll bet that most of you know alot of the words and may not even know it!

1. A children's game played with a small four-sided top with Hebrew letters marked on the sides, usu. at Hanukkah.

2. The third month of the Jewish lunisolar calendar, occurring from late November through early December in the Gregorian calendar.

3. A pancake, esp. one made of grated potatoes.

4. A candelabrum or candlestick with seven or nine branches, used in Jewish worship.

5. An event that cannot be explained by the known laws of nature and is therefore attributed to a supernatural or divine power.

6. A building or place where a deity or deities are worshiped.

7. A cylindrical stick of wax or waxlike substance enclosing a wick and burned to give light.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Santa Claus Around the World

In the United States and Canada, his name is Santa Claus. He flies through the sky in a sleigh pulled by eight reindeer.

In England his name is Father Christmas. He looks much like Santa Claus, but he has a longer coat and a longer beard.

In Wales (a principality in the United Kingdom), Santa is called Sion Corn - this translates as "Chimney John" relating to the story that Santa comes down the chimney of each house to bring his gifts to the children within.

In France, he's known as Pere Noel. He is also called Pere Noel in Canada.

In Brazil and Peru, he's called Papai Noel.

In Germany, children get presents from Christkind, the Christ Child on the 24th of December. Also, in Germany Knecht Ruprecht and his helpers come on the 6th of December. Krampus brings coal or a wooden stick to the children that have not been good, Knecht Ruprecht brings mostly cookies, nuts and a small toy to the good children. Belsnickel - German version of Santa who carries a switch to beat the bad children. In Germany, Father Christmas can also be called der Weihnachtsmann.

In Poland, Santa is "Gwiazdor" ("star man") -- for the North Star. He visits children on Christmas Eve, bringing presents. The Christmas Eve meal begins once the first star is seen. "Swiety Mikolaj" (Saint Nicholas) was a cardinal in the Catholic Church, he visits children on December 6th and he brings presents, mostly sweets, which he leaves in children clean (it is very important) shoes.

In Costa Rica, Colombia, and parts of Mexico, the gift bringer is El Nino Jesus, "the infant Jesus."

In Puerto Rico, children receive gifts from the Three Kings on January 6th. Each child puts grass under their bed for the camels and in the morning the grass is replaced with gifts.

Jultomten or Tomten Sweden. Jultomten visits in the evening before Christmas day, pulling a big bag of julklappar (Christmas presents) in the deep snow.

På norsk (in Norwegian) "Julenissen" arrives on the evening of the 24th.

In the Netherlands, he is called Kerstman. He flies through the sky with his reindeers and puts gifts under the Christmas tree on the 25th of December. De Kerstman lives in Finland. His counterpart "Sinterklaas" is another saint, who is celebrated on the 5th of December.

Sinterklaas comes back every year from his home in Spain by steamboat, together with him are a whole group of "zwarte pieten" who help him while he's riding on the roofs - distributing gifts through the chimney.

In Finland, he is called Joulupukki and his home is in Lapland in the north part of Finland called Korvatunturl. Also in Finland, the Swedish-speaking Finns (finlandssvenskar) call him Julgubben.

In Spain the children the night of January 5th put their shoes under the Christmas tree and have presents from the Three Kings (Los Reyes Magos: Melchor, Gaspar and Baltasar). Santa Claus is called Papa Noel and there are children who have presents both days on December 25th (from Papa Noel) and on January 6th (from the Three Kings).

In Russia, he is called Grandfather Frost or Ded Moroz. Also, there is Babooska the person who was searching for Christ the night he was born. She spoke to the Three Wise Men or Three Kings on their way to find him, they offered their company to her. But she replied I am too old, so the Three Men went on without her and she set search the following day but the "King" had gone from his birth place and when Babooska heard the news she decided to give her presents for Christ to the childern in her country Russia every year on the 13th of Dec to make them happy.

He is also called Kriss Kringle - origin unknown.

He is also called St. Nick origin Turkey.

Karácsony Apó, is Santa in Hungarian.

In Italy, he is called Babbo Natale. Also, they recieve their presents on January 6th from the gift bringer an old lady called Befana.

Black Peter, St Nick's helper which originates from Morocco or Liberia.

In China, he is called Shengdan Laoren.

In Denmark they call him, Julemand.

In Hong Kong they call him Sing dan lo ian in Cantonese.

In Slovenia they call him Bozicek.

In Latvia Santa Claus is called Ziemmassve'tku veci'tis.

In the country Uruguay he is called Papá Noel.

In Lithuania Santa Claus is called Kaledu Senis.

In Portugal Santa Claus is known as Pai Natal. He brings presents on Christmas Eve. However, the portuguese tradition says the presents in that night are brought by the Newborn Jesus "Menino Jesus".

In Estonia he is called Jouluvana.

In Ireland he is called Santa Claus and children abbreviate this to just Santy.

Many children in the Hindu religion receive gifts from their god Ganesha during the Holiday Season.

In Austria, children get presents from Christkindl, the Christ Child on the 24th of December.

In Greece, Santa Claus is called "Aghios Vassilis" and he comes on the night of 31st December leaving the presents under the tree for the children to find them on New Year's Day.

In Hawaii, Santa Claus is known as Kanakaloka.

In Armenian, Santa Clause is Gaghant Baba and he brings presents to all the good girls and boys.

The name for Santa in Yugoslavia is Deda Mraz.

In Croatia, he is called Bozicnjak.

In Bulgaria they call him Diado Coleda.

In El Salvador, for some families Santa Claus brings gifts on Christmas Eve to those children who are well behaved. People get together with the family, children go to bed and find a gift on December 25th.

In Urdu he is called Baba Christmass.

In Romania, Santa Claus is Mos Craciun and he comes on the night of the 24th of December bringing presents. Also, the night of the 5th of December is Mos Nicolae (St. Nicholas) puts candies in the good children boots or a stick in the bad ones.
Send the ACLU a Christmas Card

It has been suggested that with the ACLU trying to make all of us drop "Merry Christmas" that we send them a Christmas card and really frustrate them.

Hope you have one religious Christmas card and a stamp so it could be mailed to:

125 Brood Street 18th floor
NY, NY 10004

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Christmas Has Been Cancelled!!!

And it's all YOUR fault!

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

You told Santa you've been GOOD this year.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

And he died laughing!!
Name That Christmas Carol!

1. Listen to the celestial messengers produce harmonious sounds.

2. Embellish the interior passageways.

3. Twelve o’clock on a clement night witnessed its arrival.

4. The Christmas preceding all others.

5. Small municipality in Judi south of Jerusalem.

6. Omnipotent supreme being who elicits respite in distinguished males.

7. Nocturnal time span of unbroken quietness.

8. Obese personification fabricated of compressed mounds of minute crystals.

9. Tintinnabulation of vacillating pendulums in inverted, metallic resonant cups.

10. In awe of the eventide of characterized by religiosity.
answers next week

Monday, December 11, 2006

The Month Before Christmas!

Twas the month before Christmas,
When all through our land,
Not a Christian was praying
Nor taking a stand.

See, the PC Police had taken away,
The reason for Christmas - no one could say.
The children were told by their schools not to sing
About Shepherds, and Wise Men, and Angels and things.

"It might hurt people's feelings,"the teachers would say.
"December 25th is just a holiday."
Yet the shoppers were readywith cash, checks and credit,
Pushing folks to the floor just to get it!

CDs by Madonna, an X BOX, an I-pod,
Something was changing, something quite odd!
Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa
In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.

As Targets were hanging their trees upside down,
At Lowe's, the word "Christmas" was nowhere to be found.
At K-Mart and Staples, at Penney's and Sears'
you won't hear the word Christmas;
It won't touch your ears.

Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-si-ty
Words that were used to intimidate me.
Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen
On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton!

At the top of the Senate,
There arose such a clatter
To eliminate Jesus,
In all public matter.

And we spoke not a word,
As they took away our faith,
Forbidden to speak
Of salvation and Grace!

The true Gift of Christmas
Was exchanged and discarded.
The reason for the season,
Stopped before it started.

As you celebrate "Winter Break" Under your "Dream" or "Wish" tree,
Sipping your Starbucks, Please listen to me.
Choose your words carefully, Choose what you'll say ...

"A Christmas-themed event to raise money at a public elementary school in Warwick, N.Y., has been altered to accommodate a parent's complaints that the program would illegally spotlight a 'religious" figure' - Santa Claus. 'Breakfast With Santa' has since been changed to 'Winter Wonderland Breakfast,' and -- in an effort to be inclusive of all beliefs -- the bearded one will now be joined at the Dec. 9 event by Frosty the Snowman.

"Organizers made the changes after one parent charged that she and others in the community were offended that the Parent Teacher Association at the Sanfordville Elementary School was sponsoring a program geared toward one religion. . . . That parent, who did not wish to have her name used, wrote a letter to the school board asserting that Santa represents Christmas -- a Christian holiday -- and by law, a public school is not allowed to promote religion."

- CNS News, 11/30/06

People, we have got to get rid of this PC mindset that so many of us have developled in the last twenty years or so.

Christmas itself, is indeed a religious holiday. I do not dispute that. However, I have never read in the Bible an account of Santa being present at the birth of Christ. He doesn't carry a Bible or espouse belief in Christ. So, how is he a religious figure? Maybe because he rewards children for being nice, not naughty? As Christians, we want our children to behave nicely, at home or in public. But isn't this true of all parents, Christian or not? Believers or not? They are reflections of us, especially outside our immediate influence when we are not present to give guidance or correction as needed.

Santa represents the secular side of Christmas, not the religious side. Santa is celebrated by those who who do not believe in Christ, or those, like the vast majority of us, who want to enjoy both sides of Christmas. And yes, Christians can enjoy the secular side of Christmas every bit as much as the religious side.

I believe in the reasons that Christ was born. I love going to Christmas programs at church and singing the hymns that are associated with the birth of Christ. I love being reminded of "the reason for the season". I also enjoy the secular side. I like the decorations, the gift giving (and receiving), and the food! I love the songs and the joyous celebration of the season. I love that people seem to be just a little nicer to each other.

Yes, the two sides intermix. They are separate sides of the coin, two threads woven into the cloth. It's hard to conceive of the holiday without one or the other. But, to make Santa Claus a "religious" figure, is just ridiculous. Christ has been removed from the schools. Now Santa? Unbelieveable!

Isn't there someone somewhere who can tell this parent that they are being, yes, I'll say it, stupid? The parent who objected to Santa has the right to their opinion, that goes without saying. But there is nothing in the Constitution that says the parent is protected from being offended.

Am I offended that the program was changed? Am I offended that Frosty has been invited to appear with Santa? No, I'm not. I am offended that Santa has been declared a religious figure. I'm offended that the school caved to one parent. I'm offended that the parent would not allow herself to be identified. If she feels so strongly about this, she should own it. She's not proud of the fact that she has changed an icon like Santa from a secular figure to a religious figure?

One more thought. It wasn't until about 1935 that the notion of separation of church and state came into being. I don't remember the details of how this all started in that courtroom, but maybe we ought to revisit this issue. Especially now that Santa has been made into a religious figure.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Sarah and Santa

Three years ago, a little boy and his grandmother came to see Santa at Mayfair Mall in Wisconsin. The child climbed up on his lap, holding a picture of a little girl.

"Who is this?" asked Santa, smiling. "Your friend? Your sister?"

"Yes, Santa," he replied.

"My sister, Sarah, who is very sick," he said sadly. Santa glanced over at the grandmother who was waiting nearby, and saw her dabbing her eyes with a tissue.

"She wanted to come with me to see you, oh, so very much, Santa!" the child exclaimed. "She misses you," he added softly.

Santa tried to be cheerful and encouraged a smile to the boy's face, asking him what he wanted Santa to bring him for Christmas. When they finished their visit, the Grandmother came over to help the child off his lap, and started to say something to Santa, but halted.

"What is it?" Santa asked warmly.

"Well, I know it's really too much to ask you, Santa, but..." the old woman began, shooing her grandson over to one of Santa's elves to collect the little gift which Santa gave all his young visitors. "The girl in the photograph . my granddaughter...well, you see...she has leukemia and isn't expected to make it even through the holidays," she said through tear-filled eyes. "Is there any way, Santa .. any possible way that you could come see Sarah? That's all she's asked for, for Christmas, is to see Santa."

Santa blinked and swallowed hard and told the woman to leave information with his elves as to where Sarah was, and he would see what he could do. Santa thought of little else the rest of that afternoon. He knew what he had to do. "What if it were MY child lying in that hospital bed, dying," he thought with a sinking heart, "this is the least I can do."

When Santa finished visiting with all the boys and girls that evening, he retrieved from his helper the name of the hospital where Sarah was staying. He asked the assistant location manager how to get to Children's Hospital.

"Why?" Rick asked, with a puzzled look on his face.

Santa relayed to him the conversation with Sarah's grandmother earlier that day.

"C'mon ... I'll take you there," Rick said softly. Rick drove them to the hospital and came inside with Santa. They found out which room Sarah was in. A pale Rick said he would wait out in the hall. Santa quietly peeked into the room through the half-closed door and saw little Sarah on the bed. The room was full of what appeared to be her family; there was the Grandmother and the girl's brother he had met earlier that day. A woman whom he guessed was Sarah's mother stood by the bed, gently pushing Sarah's thin hair off her forehead. And another woman who he discovered later was Sarah's aunt, sat in a chair near the bed with weary, sad look on her face. They were talking quietly, and Santa could sense the warmth and closeness of the family, and their love and concern for Sarah. Taking a deep breath, and forcing a smile on his face, Santa entered the room, bellowing a hearty, "Ho, ho, ho!"

"Santa!" shrieked little Sarah weakly, as she tried to escape her bed to run to him, IV tubes in tact.

Santa rushed to her side and gave her a warm hug. A child the tender age of his own son -- 9 years old -- gazed up at him with wonder and excitement. Her skin was pale and her short tresses bore tell-tale bald patches from the effects of chemotherapy. But all he saw when he looked at her was a pair of huge, blue eyes. His heart melted, and he had to force himself to choke back tears. Though his eyes were riveted upon Sarah's face, he could hear the gasps and quiet sobbing of the women in the room. As he and Sarah began talking, the family crept quietly tothe bedside one by one, squeezing Santa's shoulder or his hand gratefully, whispering "thank you" as they gazed sincerely at him with shining eyes. Santa and Sarah talked and talked, and she told him excitedly all the toys she wanted for Christmas, assuring him she'd been a very good girl that year. As their time together dwindled, Santa felt led in his spirit to pray for Sarah, and asked for permission from the girl's mother. She nodded in agreement and the entire family circled around Sarah's bed, holding hands. Santa looked intensely at Sarah and asked her if she believed in angels.

"Oh, yes, Santa ... I do!" she exclaimed.

"Well, I'm going to ask that angels watch over you,! "he said. Laying one hand on the child's head, Santa closed his eyes and prayed. He asked that God touch little Sarah, and heal her body from this disease. He asked that angels minister to her, watch and keep her. And when he finished praying, still with eyes closed, he started singing softly, "Silent Night, Holy Night .. all is calm, all is bright." The family joined in, still holding hands, smiling at Sarah, and crying tears of hope, tears of joy for this moment, as Sarah beamed at them all. When the song ended, Santa sat on the side of the bed again and held Sarah's frail, small hands in his own.

"Now, Sarah," he said authoritatively, "you have a job to do, and that is to concentrate on getting well. I want you to have fun playing with your friends this summer, and I expect to see you at my house at MayfairMall this time next year!" He knew it was risky proclaiming that, to this little girl who had terminal cancer, but he "had" to. He had to give her the greatest gift he could -- not dolls or games or toys -- but the gift of HOPE.

"Yes, Santa!" Sarah exclaimed, her eyes bright.He leaned down and kissed her on the forehead and left the room. Out in the hall, the minute Santa's eyes met Rick's, a look passed between themand they wept unashamed. Sarah's mother and grandmother slipped out of the room quickly and rushed to Santa's side to thank him.

"My only child is the same age as Sarah," he explained quietly. "This is the least I could do." They nodded with understanding and hugged him.

One year later, Santa Mark was again back on the set in Milwaukee for his six-week, seasonal job which he so loves to do. Several weeks went by and then one day a child came up to sit on his lap. "Hi, Santa! Remember me?!"

"Of course, I do," Santa proclaimed (as he always does), smiling down at her. After all, the secret to being a "good" Santa is to always make each child feel as if they are the "only" child in the world at that moment.

"You came to see me in the hospital last year!" Santa's jaw dropped. Tears immediately sprang in his eyes, and he grabbed this little miracle and held her to his chest.

"Sarah!" he exclaimed. He scarcely recognized her, for her hair was long and silky and her cheeks were rosy-- much different from the little girl he had visited just a year before. He looked over and saw Sarah's mother and grandmother in the sidelines smiling and waving and wiping their eyes. That was the best Christmas ever for Santa Claus.

He had witnessed--and been blessed to be instrumental in bringing about -- this miracle of hope. This precious little child was healed. Cancer-free. Alive and well. He silently looked up to Heaven and humbly whispered, "Thank you, Father. 'Tis a very, Merry Christmas!

Monday, December 04, 2006

A Christmas Wish

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow, And each road leads you where you want to go, And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose, I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.

And if one door opens to another door closed, I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window, If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything, My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to, Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small, You never need to carry more than you can hold, And while you're out there getting where you're getting to, I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too, Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget, All the ones who love you, in the place you left, I hope you always forgive, and you never regret, And you help somebody every chance you get, Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake, And you always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything, My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to, Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small, You never need to carry more than you can hold, And while you're out there getting where you're getting to, I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,

Yeah, this, is my wish.

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Sunday, December 03, 2006

A Punny Christmas Story

James Fenimore Cooper wrote about the life of Santa Claus. Naturally he titled it The Deer Sleigher. He could have also called it The Abdominal Snowman. On the inside cover appears a photograph of Santa taken with his North Polaroid camera.

In the pages of this expose, you'll find out that Santa's primary language is North Polish. You'll learn that Santa and Mrs. Claus live in an icicle built for two and that he loves tending his three gardens and exulting, "Hoe, hoe, hoe!"

You'll also discover that St. Nicholas is the main Claus. His wife is a relative Claus. His children are dependent Clauses. Their Dutch uncle is a restrictive Claus. As a group, they're all renoun Clauses.

Santa's Elves

Santa's elves are subordinate Clauses. As they make toys, they sing "Love Me Tender." That's why they're known as Santa's little Elvis.

They feel that all their strenuous efforts getting ready for Christmas are just like a day at the office. They do all the work, and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. And anytime he wishes, Santa can give them the sack.

A group of rebellious elves -- along with their elf uncles and elf aunts -- have banded together to protest the terrible conditions they've been working under. They are known as the Santanistas -- and they're striving for higher elf esteem.

Christmas Eve

On Christmas Eve, Santa eats a jolly roll, leaps into his sleigh, and urges his toys to hop in the sack. Santa's sleigh always comes out first because it starts in the Pole position. It also gets terrific mileage because it has long-distance runners on each side.

Kriss Kringle especially loves all his reindeer because every buck is deer to him. On the way to delivering gifts, he lets his coursers stop at the Deery Queen. For this they offer him their Santapplause and sing "There's Snow Place Like Home for the Holidays" and "Freezer Jolly Good Fellow!"

On one night before Christmas, Santa Claus's sleigh team came up one member short because of a sudden illness. An inflatable plastic reindeer was used to fill the void in the team so no one would take notice of the missing animal. Regis, Chief of Elves, asked Santa, "Is that your vinyl Prancer?"

On the Sleigh

When traveling in the sleigh in inclement weather, Santa gets icicles in his beard. Real chin chillas, those. Occasionally, cosmetics fly out of the bag and into Santa's beard, causing it to known as the beard of Avon. He sometimes removes all the bells from his sleigh and travels silently through the night. One day he hopes to win a No Bell prize.

Santa is so Santa-mental that he sometimes spends all his money on the toys that he brings to children everywhere. At those times, he's called St. Nickeless. Children all over the world await Santa's gifts, even the children of ghosts, who sing to Santa, "We'll Have a Boo Christmas Without You." After all, toys will be toys.

Santa often guides his sleigh to Cape Canaveral. We know this because A SANTA AT NASA is a palindrome -- a statement that reads the same forwards and backwards.

Down the Chimney

What's red and white and black all over? Santa Claus entering a home through a chimney. He loves sliding down chimneys because it soots him. But he actually has a fear of getting stuck. That fear is called Santa Claus-trophobia. The way to get him out of the chimney is to pour Santa Flush on him. Occasionally Santa falls down a chimney. Then he's Santa Klutz. Since Santa has to go up and down a wide variety of chimneys on Christmas, should he have a yearly flue shot?

Many thanks to Richard Lederer.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Holiday Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rumballs.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch.You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat.Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out ofyour mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

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Friday, December 01, 2006

A Christmas Tree

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This is a Christmas tree. You might call it a holiday hedge, an Allah plant, a Hanukkah bush, or something else all together. I won't say you are wrong, but here, it's a Christmas Tree.

I hope this doesn't offend anyone, but if it does...too bad.

Get over it ~

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Part 7

Paradox: two physicians.

Parasites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the s*** out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Perfect Pitch: what it is when you throw a banjo in a dumpster and it didn't hit the sides.Pharmacist: a helper on the farm.

Phonecrastinate: To put off answering the phone until caller ID identifies the caller.

Polarize: what penguins see with.

Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop over the walls to see what's going on.

Primate: removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Raisin: Grape with a sunburn.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.Relief: what trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck: what you do to relax your wife.


An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table three objects:

1. a Bible

2. a silver dollar

3. a bottle of whisky

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself," and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. He tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink. "Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "he's gonna be a Congressman!"

Women and the Hardware Store

Harlow was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store.

At the hardware store,Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl,themanager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Carl was finished, Mary asked, "How much for the teapot?"

Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $300!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store.

Monday, November 27, 2006

The Wisdom of Ronald Reagan

"Here’s my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose."

"The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I’m here to help."

"Of the four wars in my lifetime none came about because the U.S. was too strong."

"I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress."

"The taxpayer: That’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t take the civil service exam."

"Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other."

"If we ever forget that we’re one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under."

"I’ve laid down the law, though, to everyone from now on about anything that happens: no matter what time it is, wake me, even if it’s in the middle of a Cabinet meeting."

"It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first. Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it."

"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book."

"No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women."
Part 6

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Lasterday: Any day before today.

Left Bank: what the robber did after his bag was full of loot.

Misty: How golfers create divots.

Mosquito: An insect that makes you like flies better.

Mouse Potato: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

Onosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Two guys from Halifax County are quietly sitting in a boat on the Banister Lake fishing and sucking down beer when suddenly Mel says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Earl sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Life is fragile. Handle with Prayer!
There once was a time when everyone feared God and the Church reigned Supreme......it was called the Dark Ages.
Sunday Words of Wisdom

Live Simply
Love Generously
Care Deeply
Speak Kindly
Pray Daily
Leave the Rest with God

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Part 5

Generica: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Gossip: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

Handkerchief: Cold Storage.

Heroes: what a guy in a boat does.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.

Inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O. J. trials were a prime example. Michael Jackson is another.
When You Care Enough To Send the Very Best
- Part 2
(but the Hallmark writers are having a bad day)

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go... Would you like to take this
knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

Happy birthday!
You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!

When we were together,
You always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?

I'm so miserable without you it's almost
like you're here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

Your friends and I wanted to do Something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

So your daughter's a hooker,
And it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay

from email
Florida's Newest Retirement Demographic

Friday, November 24, 2006

Part 4

Decafelon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Dust: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

Eclipse: what an English barber does for a living.

Egotist: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

Eyedropper: a clumsy ophthalmologist.

Flusterpated: Being so flustered that words get bound up inside you.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
When You Care Enough To Send the Very Best
(but the Hallmark writers are having a bad day )

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder... "What the heck
was I thinking?"

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

How could two people as beautiful as you
have such an ugly baby?

I've always wanted to have Someone to hold,
Someone to love. After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
Where's Bill?

Bill and Sam, two “senior” seniors, met in the neighborhood park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it; he thought Bill had a cold or virus.

After Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really was worried. Since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived; he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed and Sam decided he had seen the last of Bill.

Some time after, Sam approached the park; lo and behold, there sat Bill. Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"

Bill replied, "I've been in jail."

"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?"

"Yeah" said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she charged me with rape; I was so proud, that when I got into court, I pled ‘guilty’; that sorry Judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

Thursday, November 23, 2006

A Thanksgiving Poem

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May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey be plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious and
your pies take the prize,
and may your Thanksgiving dinner
stay off your thighs!

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Part 3

Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people.

Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Chickens: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Craughed: To laugh and cry simultaneously.

Crop Dusting: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
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Happy Thanksgiving!

Let us remember that, as much has been given us, much will be expected from us, and that true homage comes from the heart as well as from the lips, and shows itself in deeds.

- Theodore Roosevelt

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Wednesday Words of Wisdom

The trouble with life is there's no background music.
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Part 2

Beauty Parlor: A place where women curl up and dye.

Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Burglarize: What a crook sees with.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Part 1

Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)

Adminisphere: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Avoidable:What a bullfighter tries to do.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Sunday Humor

An elderly couple was attending church services and about half way through he leans over and says, "I just did a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

She replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
Grandma's Boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven? "

Grandma replied,"Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?

"The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted.
A Woman

This is written in the Hebrew Talmud, the book where all of the sayings and preaching of Rabbis are conserved over time.

It says:

"Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because
God counts her tears. The woman came out of a
man's rib. Not from his feet to be walked on.
Not from his head to be superior, but from the
side to be equal. Under the arm to be protected,
and next to the heart to be loved."

Pass this on to all exceptional women that you know.. and to men so they know the value of a woman.


Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Wednesday Words of Wisdom

Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken,
a lifetime commitment for a pig

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Why It's Good To Be A Woman

1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3. Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
13. We will never regret piercing our ears.
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.

Send this to all the bright women you know and make their day!!!!!
The Parrot Died

At dawn the telephone rings.

"Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot died."

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird."

"What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Senor"

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"Your thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. Your thoroughbred died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor."


"Your wife's, Senor... She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."


"Ernesto....... if you broke that driver, you're in deep, deep, shit..!"
A Couple Going Out for the Evening

They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, put the dog out etc.

The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going up stairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!"