Sunday, December 30, 2007

Why Married Women Should Avoid A Girls Night Out

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed at all.

Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. shit.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

“To the ACLU lawyers, and such like, trying to muzzle Christian expression at Christmas, there is just one thing to say: Get a life.

- Bill Murchison

Monday, December 24, 2007


Christmas Countdown Generator






To My Readers




For Christmas, I wish you all that life can offer. I wish you love, peace, and happiness through all the years to come. Without you, this blog would simply be a diary read, well, not even by me.

Thank you for your comments, and especially for your presence here.

God Bless and keep you and yours safe in the palm of His Hand.
If You Ask a Stupid Question....

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant?

So, since I'm retired, with little to do,on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.
That Darn Cat!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,

"He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car.
Bob Was In Trouble

He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!'

The next morning Bob got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Excited and confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Please pray for him.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

It's Not Just a Cup of Coffee

A group of alumni, all highly established in their respective careers, got together for a visit with their old university professor.

The conversation soon turned to complaints about the endless stress of work and life in general.

Offering his guests coffee, the professor went into the kitchen and soon returned with a large pot of coffee and an eclectic assortment of cups: porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal - some plain, some expensive, some quite exquisite. Quietly he told them to help themselves to ome fresh coffee.

When each of his former students had a cup of coffee in hand the old professor quietly cleared his throat and began to patiently address the small gathering. "You may have noticed all of the nicer looking cups were taken up first, leaving behind the plainer and cheaper ones. While it is only natural for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is actually the source of much of your stress-related problems."

He continued. "Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In fact, the cup merely disguises or dresses up what
we drink. What each of you really wanted was coffee, not a cup, but you instinctively went for the best cups. Then you began eyeing each other's cups. Now consider this: Life is coffee. Jobs, money, and position in society are merely cups.

"They are just tools to shape and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not truly define nor change the quality of the Life we live. Often, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee that God has provided us.

God brews the coffee, but he does not supply the cups. Enjoy your coffee!''

The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything. So please remember:

Live simply. Love generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly. Leave the Rest to God. And remember - The richest person is not the one who has the most, but the one who needs the least.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Curious

I mentioned in a previous post about donating my late husband's van to the Purple Heart Cars that I had a problem at the bank. I've written about it before, but I'll give you the short version as an introduction to the rest of my post.

A couple of weeks after he died, I went to the bank to close his account. This is a bank where we had a joint account and we each had personal accounts. We also got our mortgage through this bank three years earlier. We had had the joint account since shortly after the bank opened, so between the mortgage and our accounts, we were well established.

When I went in, I was told that I wasn't listed on his account as either an account holder or beneficiary so I couldn't close the account. I explained that I was his widow and could provide a certified copy of his death certificate and our marriage license. As for personal identification, I could provide just about anything they wanted, including being identified by various officers of the bank. Apparently, this wasn't enough. Florida law requires that only beneficiaries or account holders can do anything with bank accounts.

I explained that neither of us were advised of this law when our accounts were opened. His personal account was opened last and I was with him with it was opened and I know this was never mentioned. I would have made sure that he was listed as a beneficiary on my account at the same time. And he would have listed me as beneficiary on his. The end result was that I couldn't have access to the money in the account, and I couldn't close the account. There wasn't much money involved, only about one hundred dollars at the time, but that's not the real point. The point was we weren't told of this law and so didn't comply with it. I admittedly threw something of a hissy fit and walked out. I eventually closed my accounts and went to another bank. I have listed my brother as beneficiary on my accounts with the new bank.

Anyway. Shortly after that, the news began to report that the bank was having problems. Turned out they had loaned money to people on real estate speculation and the builder involved couldn't complete the buildings. This involved millions of dollars. The builder went bankrupt, the bank was sued by I don't remember how many people, the stock plummeted, and things just went downhill from there. The question was, would the bank survive, be closed down, or sold off? It was eventually sold. The stockholders lost lots of money, the bank people and the builder involved in the loan process were under investigation and there was lots of negative news for months.

This got me to thinking. Over the years, whenever someone has "done me wrong" bad things have happened. For a while, I thought it only involved jobs. When I went on job interviews and not hired, companies went under (another bank and real estate company), politicians lost by a landslide (I had interviewed for a job as a legislative assistant), and other companies suffered a reversal of fortune. One very big company (yes, if I told you who, you would know it) has not yet really recovered from the problems they had after I interviewed for a job and was told I was overqualified. Several people tried to stab me in the back at work - some succeeded, others didn't. Only one of them is still working with the agency today. Some have been fired, some retired under a cloud, and some have died. Some just retired. I was actually hired as an activities director at a retirement center. On my first day of work, I was advised that the man who hired me didn't have the authority to do so and I didn't have a job. They offered to pay me for a day's work, which I never got. Eventually the company went under and the retirement community was sold.

I swear, I did nothing to cause these problems for the people who "did me wrong" or didn't hire me, or hired me when they shouldn't have. I didn't curse them or cast the "evil eye" on them. This is because of one thing: treat people right or the karma will come back to bite you big time!
The Van Is Gone

As you may or may not know, my husband passed away last December. He didn't have much to leave, but among his personal possessions was a 1988 Dodge Caravan.

I had it re-registered into my name (much easier at the DMV than I anticipated after the fiasco at the bank), and then looked into donating it to a worthy cause. Well, the problem with the van is that it was old and needed work. I know the brakes were shot, and after sitting for so long, I know it needed a battery, a tune-up, an oil change, new tires, and God only knows what else. The body was rusting away. You know that any item that just sits unused deteriorates faster than if that item were being used. I didn't have the money to fix it to get it presentable for most charities. Most want vehicles that are relatively late model and in runnable condition. Well, this wasn't.

A friend thought her brother might want it. He was good with cars and if I sold it cheap enough, he could afford it. Shoot, I was willing to give it to him just to get it out of my parking space and before the condo association decided it was an eyesore and fined me for it. Unfortunately, he decided he didn't want it. Couldn't blame him; he would have put in a lot of time fixing it just to be drivable and he needed something he could drive now.

Then, one day I was either one the way to work, or coming home from work and heard an advertisement for Purple Heart Cars. This was the Purple Heart Veterans organization asking for vehicle donations. They accept vehicles in any condition, running or not. Here was my answer! I could get rid of the vehicle, give it to a worthy veterans organization, and even claim it on my taxes as a deduction. In my heart, giving it to an organization dedicated to helping veterans was more important than any deduction I might get

So last spring I contacted them via their website. The next day, I got a call from a tow company asking for directions to my house to get the van. The only problem was, I hadn't cleaned it out yet. It had a lot of personal possessions that I just hadn't gotten to cleaning out. And, I had put the registration somewhere "safe". Well, if your house is like mine, that could be anywhere! The upshot was that I told him I wasn't ready yet; had he called to make an appointment with me, I would have had everything in order. So, we put it off until I found the registration. And got it cleaned out, but he didn't need to know that part.

Summer came, and I just don't do much outside during the hot summer days. Finally, the weather cooled down enough to clean the van out. Some things stayed in the van; but most came in the house, went into my van, or were tossed into the trash. I found the registration (not where I thought it was, but it in the next place I looked). I even found the keys.

I contacted PHV again, filled out the form, and asked specifically that someone call before coming for the van. Because of my work rotation, I didn't know if they would come on my day off or a day I worked. I wanted to be home to sign over the registration and turn over the keys. That was over the weekend.

I came home from work on Monday and the van was gone. There was a paper stuck behind the Christmas wreath on my front door indicating that Purple Heart Vets had picked up the van. That was good. I wasn't upset that they got the van, I was miffed that they didn't call because I still had the registration and keys. Legally, I could have caused some problems by reporting the van stolen. But, that would have been wrong and would have come back to bite me in so many ways, that I never got past the first thought of it. But I did think of it :D

I sent another email, since it was after hours, to ask what they wanted to do about the registration and keys. That resulted in a phone call on Wednesday from the gentleman who took the van. He explained that he happened to be in the area and decided to see if he could just pick up the van. I explained that was not the problem, but I had specifically asked to be called first so I could be here to turn over the keys and registration.

He came to the house, I signed the registration over to the PHV and gave it to him along with the keys. He asked if I had even noticed it was gone. Huh? This was a big, rusting blue van that was taking up one of my parking spots and he wondered if I had noticed? I assured him I had as soon as I pulled up.

Anyway, it's gone. One more thing off my list.

Simpleology

I'm evaluating a multi-media course on blogging from the folks at Simpleology. For a while, they're letting you snag it for free if you post about it on your blog.

It covers:

  • The best blogging techniques.
  • How to get traffic to your blog.
  • How to turn your blog into money.

I'll let you know what I think once I've had a chance to check it out. Meanwhile, go grab yours while it's still free.

Christmas Cookie Recipe

1 cup of water
4 large eggs
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup nuts
1 cup of sugar
2 cups dried fruit
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
1 bottle Bailey's Irish Cream-

Sample the Bailey's to check quality.

Take a large bowl, check the Bailey's again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again.

At this point it's best to make sure the Bailey's is still OK, try another cup.. just in case.

Turn off the mixer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off floor...

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a dewscriver

Sample the Bailey's to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something.... who giveshz a sheet.

Check the Bailey's.

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of ar, or somefink.... whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window.

Finish the bottle of Bailey's.

Make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
The Small, White Envelope

It's just a small, white envelope stuck among the branches of our Christmas tree. No name, no identification, no inscription. It has peeked through the branches of our tree for the past 10 years or so...

It all began because my husband Mike hated Christmas---oh, not the true meaning of Christmas, but the commercial aspects of it-overspending...the frantic running around at the last minute to get a tie for Uncle Harry and the dusting powder for Grandma---the gifts given in desperation because you couldn't think of anything else.

Knowing he felt this way, I decided one year to bypass the usual shirts, sweaters, ties and so forth. I reached for something special just for Mike. The inspiration came in an unusual way.

Our son Kevin, who was 12 that year, was wrestling at the junior level at the school he attended; and shortly before Christmas, there was a non-league match against a team sponsored by an inner-city church. These youngsters, dressed in sneakers so ragged that shoestrings seemed to be the only thing holding them together, presented a sharp contrast to our boys in their spiffy blue and gold uniforms and sparkling new wrestling shoes.

As the match began, I was alarmed to see that the other team was wrestling without headgear, a kind of light helmet designed to protect a wrestler's ears. It was a luxury the ragtag team obviously could not afford.

Well, we ended up walloping them. We took every weight class. And as each of their boys got up from the mat, he swaggered around in his tatters with false bravado, a kind of street pride that couldn't acknowledge defeat.

Mike, seated beside me, shook his head sadly, "I wish just one of them could have won," he said. "They have a lot of potential, but losing like this could take the heart right out of them."

Mike loved kids - all kids-and he knew them, having coached little league football, baseball and lacrosse. That's when the idea for his present came.

That afternoon, I went to a local sporting goods store and bought an assortment of wrestling headgear and shoes and sent them anonymously to the inner-city church. On Christmas Eve, I placed the envelope on the tree, the note inside telling Mike what I had done and that this was his gift from me.

His smile was the brightest thing about Christmas that year and in succeeding years. For each Christmas, I followed the tradition---one year sending a group of mentally handicapped youngsters to a hockey game, another year a check to a pair of elderly brothers whose home had burned to the ground the week before Christmas, and on and on.

The envelope became the highlight of our Christmas. It was always the last thing opened on Christmas morning and our children, ignoring their new toys, would stand with wide-eyed anticipation as their dad lifted the envelope from the tree to reveal its contents. As the children grew, the toys gave way to more practical presents, but the envelope never lost its allure.

The story doesn't end there. You see, we lost Mike last year due to dreaded cancer. When Christmas rolled around, I was still so wrapped in grief that I barely got the tree up. But Christmas Eve found me placing an envelope on the tree, and in the morning, it was joined by three more. Each of our children, unbeknown to the others, had placed an envelope on the tree for their dad.

The tradition has grown and someday will expand even further with our grandchildren standing around the tree with wide-eyed anticipation watching as their fathers take down the envelope.

Mike's spirit, like the Christmas spirit, will always be with us.


~Author DJ RAZOR~
http://www.djrazor.8m.com

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

The Cowboy and the Yuppie

An Alberta cowboy is overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the Cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a member of parliament for the Canadian Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required,"
answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows ... this is a herd of sheep.

"Now give me back my dog."
A Different Christmas Poem

The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.
Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.
The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.
My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.

The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.
Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know, Then the
sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.
My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near.
Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.

A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.
'What are you doing?' I asked without fear,
'Come in this moment, it's freezing out here!
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!'

For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts...
To the window that danced with a warm fire's light
Then he sighed and he said 'Its really all right.
I'm out here by choice, I'm here every night.
It's my duty to stand at the front of the line,
That separates you from the darkest of times.
No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.
My Gramps died at Pearl on a day in December,'
Then he sighed, 'That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers.'
'My dad stood his watch in the jungles of 'Nam,
And now it is my turn, and so, here I am.
I've not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile.'

Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red, white, and blue... an American flag.
'I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home.
I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.
I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother...
Who stand at the front against any and all,
To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall.'
'So go back inside,' he said, 'harbor no fright,
Your family is waiting and I'll be all right.'
'But isn't there something I can do, at the least,
Give you money,' I asked, 'or prepare you a feast?'
'It seems all too little for all that you've done,
For being away from your wife and your son.'
Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
'Just tell us you love us, and never forget.
To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone,
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled.
Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us.'

LCDR Jeff Giles, SC, USN
30th Naval Construction Regiment
OIC, Logistics Cell One
Al Taqqadum, Iraq.

snopes.com gives more information on the origins and true author of this poem, Michael Marks.

2008 - The Year to Reclaim Our Christian Position

The following has been attributed to Paul Harvey and a gentleman named Samuel Thompson, but most of it is the work of a Wichita Falls Times Record News sportswriter named Nick Gholson. It's been around the Internet since 2004.

I won't use the photos attached to the email I received, but I will provide the text:

I don't believe in Santa Claus, but I'm not going to sue somebody for singing a Ho-Ho-Ho song in December. I don't agree with Darwin, but I didn't go out and hire a lawyer when my high school teacher taught his Theory of Evolution

Life, liberty or your pursuit of happiness will not be endangered because someone says a 30-second prayer before a football game.

So what's the big deal? It's not like somebody is up there reading the entire book of Acts. They're just talking to a God they believe in and asking him to grant safety to the players on the field and the fans going home from the game.

But it's a Christian prayer, some will argue.

Yes, and this is the United States of America, a country founded on Christian principles. According to our very own phone book, Christian churches outnumber all others better than 200-to-1. So what would you expect -- somebody chanting Hare Krishna?

If I went to a football game in Jerusalem, I would expect to hear a Jewish prayer.

If I went to a soccer game in Baghdad, I would expect to hear a Muslim prayer.

If I went to a ping pong match in China, I would expect to hear someone pray to Buddha.

And I wouldn't be offended.

It wouldn't bother me one bit.

When in Rome.

But what about the atheists? Is another argument.

What about them?

Nobody is asking them to be baptized. We're not going to pass the collection plate. Just humor us for 30 seconds. If that's asking too much, bring a Walkman or a pair of ear plugs. Go to the bathroom. Visit the concession stand. Call your lawyer!

Unfortunately, one or two will make that call. One or two will tell thousands what they can and cannot do. I don't think a short prayer at a football game is going to shake the world's foundations.

Christians are just sick and tired of turning the other cheek while our courts strip us of all our rights. Our parents and grandparents taught us to pray before eating; to pray before we go to sleep.

Our Bible tells us to pray without ceasing. Now a handful of people and their lawyers are telling us to cease praying.

God, help us.

And if that last sentence offends you, well ... just sue me.

The silent majority has been silent too long. It's time we let that one or two who scream loud enough to be heard that the vast majority don't care what they want. It is time the majority rules! It's time we tell them, you don't have to pray; you don't have to say the pledge of allegiance; you don't have to believe in God or attend services that honor Him. That is your right, and we will honor your right .. But by golly, you are no longer going to take our rights away. We are fighting back .. and we WILL WIN!

God bless us one and all. Especially those who denounce Him, God bless America, despite all her faults.

God bless our service men who are fighting to protect our right to pray and worship God.

2008 will be the year the silent majority is heard and we put God back as the foundation of our families and institutions...and our Military come home from all the wars.

Keep looking up.
Wish Me Christmas

I received an email from Dean and Nicole Dzurilla of wishmechristmas.com. They say....

Christmas is a celebration of life. It's a special time of year when families and friends gather from all over to rejoice the birth of Jesus Christ. This precious holiday has existed for countless generations and deserves to be called by its name. Saying "Happy Holidays" or "Have a nice holiday" is not the same as proclaiming "Merry Christmas".

The overwhelming majority of us will celebrate Christmas this year. Unfortunately a small number of disingenuous politicians, misinformed government workers, and special interest groups with loud voices are doing their best to homogenize the true meaning of this beloved day. We cannot let that happen.

I can't and won't disagree with anything they say. I don't know about you, but I'm tired of people saying that I can't honor my beliefs by saying Merry Christmas. Too many of us are willing to sit back and say, "it's just a saying", "it's not important", or "I don't want to offend anyone". How about not offending me? My words and my beliefs are being censored because Liberals are scared witless of offending someone. I've said that I pick my battles. Well, this is one of them. I don't have any special objections to using other terms like Happy Holidays or Season's Greetings, but please, don't tell me I CAN'T say Merry Christmas because it might offend someone.

However, if a Muslim or a Jew or atheist or anyone were to say to me, I don't believe in your God, could you please wish me a Happy Holiday (or other greeting) I would say, of course I will. That's just good manners. I don't want to deliberately offend anyone, but I'm not going to quit saying Merry Christmas because I might offend.

To help promote their idea they are offering free It's okay to wish me a Merry Christmas buttons. Go to their site and order one today. I did.

And then wear the button everywhere you go. I will.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007











Eat Drink and I'm Mary





A MUST READ TO BE FOLLOWED FOR THE HOLIDAYS...



Eating Tips for The Holidays





1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.



2. Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an 'eggnog-aholic' or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it!!!! Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!



3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone! Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.



4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.



5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello???



6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.



7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.



8. Same for pies. Apple, pumpkin and mincemeat - have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?



9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.



10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.



Reread tips: Start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.



Remember this motto to live by: 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO-HOO what a ride!'

Monday, December 17, 2007

New Santa


I, (Santa) regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve Georgia, Florida, West Virginia, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, Ohio, Louisiana or Alabama on Christmas Eve.

Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner, and Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho" has been replaced by "Yee Haw" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat."

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as"Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

And Finally,

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Silent Night

Let us sing together. Sing to yourself, your friend, your husband/wife, your dog, your cat, sing to anybody or anything. Know that someone else also out there is singing with you. You are not alone.

These are the USA/Central European times zones:

Eastern Time = 6:00pm Tuesday 25th December
Central Time = 5:00pm Tuesday 25th December
Mountain Time = 4:00pm Tuesday 25th December
Pacific Time = 3:00pm Tuesday 25th December
Alaska Time = 2:00pm Tuesday 25th December
Hawaii Time = 1:00pm Tuesday 25th December
Central European Time = 12:00am 26th December


Tell your family and friends abroad to sing with you.

The message I got said "We would make a helluva noise around the world." I say, Let's MAKE a helluva noise around the world!

Who's with me???

Monday, December 10, 2007

MyCuteGraphics.com

Merry Christmas from Me and My Boys!
Something for Stevie

I try not to be biased, but I had my doubts about hiring Stevie. His placement counselor assured me that he would be a good, reliable busboy. But I had never had a mentally handicapped employee and wasn't sure I wanted one. I wasn't sure how my customers would react to Stevie.

He was short, a little dumpy with the smooth facial features and thick-tongued speech of Downs Syndrome. I wasn't worried about most of my trucker customers because truckers don't generally care who buses tables as long as the meatloaf platter is good and the pies are homemade.

The four-wheeler drivers were the ones who concerned me; the mouthy college kids traveling to school; the yuppie snobs who secretly polish their silverware with their napkins for fear of catching some dreaded "truck stop germ" the pairs of white-shirted business men on expense accounts who think every truck stop waitress wants to be flirted with. I knew those people would be uncomfortable around Stevie so I closely watched him for the first few weeks.

I shouldn't have worried. After the first week, Stevie had my staff wrapped around his stubby little finger, and within a month my truck regulars had adopted him as their official truck stop mascot.

After that, I really didn't care what the rest of the customers thought of him. He was like a 21-year-old in blue jeans and Nikes, eager to laugh and eager to please, but fierce in his attention to his duties. Every salt and pepper shaker was exactly in its place, not a bread crumb or coffee spill was visible when Stevie got done with the table. Our only problem was persuading him to wait to clean a table until after the customers were finished. He would hover in the background, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, scanning the dining room until a table was empty. Then he would scurry to the empty table and carefully bus dishes and glasses onto his cart and meticulously wipe the table up with a practiced flourish of his rag.

If he thought a customer was watching, his brow would pucker with added concentration. He took pride in doing his job exactly right, and you had to love how hard he tried to please each and every person he met.

Over time, we learned that he lived with his mother, a widow who was disabled after repeated surgeries for cancer. They lived on their Social Security benefits in public housing two miles from the truck stop. Their social worker, who stopped to check on him every so often, admitted they had fallen between the cracks. Money was tight, and what I paid him was probably the difference between them being able to live together and Stevie being sent to a group home. That's why the restaurant was a gloomy place that morning last August, the first morning in three years that Stevie missed work.

He was at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester getting a new valve or something put in his heart. His social worker said that people with Downs Syndrome often have heart problems at an early age so this wasn't unexpected, and there was a good chance he would come through the surgery in good shape and be back at work in a few months.

A ripple of excitement ran through the staff later that morning when word came that he was out of surgery, in recovery, and doing fine.

Frannie, the head waitress, let out a war hoop and did a little dance in the aisle when she heard the good news.

Belle Ringer, one of our regular trucker customers, stared at the sight of this 50-year-old grandmother of four doing a victory shimmy beside his table.

Frannie blushed, smoothed her apron and shot Belle Ringer a withering look.

He grinned. "OK, Frannie, what was that all about?" he asked.

"We just got word that Stevie is out of surgery and going to be okay."

"I was wondering where he was. I had a new joke to tell him. What was the surgery about?"

Frannie quickly told Belle Ringer and the other two drivers sitting at his booth about Stevie's surgery, then sighed: "Yeah, I'm glad he is going to be OK," she said. "But I don't know how he and his Mom are going to handle all the bills. From what I hear, they're barely getting by as it is." Belle Ringer nodded thoughtfully, and Frannie hurried off to wait on the rest of her tables. Since I hadn't had time to round up a busboy to replace Stevie and really didn't want to replace him, the girls were busing their own tables that day until we decided what to do.

After the morning rush, Frannie walked into my office. She had a couple of paper napkins in her hand and a funny look on her face.

"What's up?" I asked.

"I didn't get that table where Belle Ringer and his friends were sitting cleared off after they left, and Pony Pete and Tony Tipper were sitting there when I got back to clean it off," she said. "This was folded and tucked under a coffee cup."

She handed the napkin to me, and three $20 bills fell onto my desk when I opened it. On the outside, in big, bold letters, was printed "Something for Stevie".

"Pony Pete asked me what that was all about," she said, "so I told him about Stevie and his Mom and everything, and Pete looked at Tony and Tony looked at Pete, and they ended up giving me this." She handed me another paper napkin that had "Something For Stevie" scrawled on its outside. Two $50 bills were tucked within its folds. Frannie looked at me with wet, shiny eyes, shook her head and said simply: "truckers."

That was three months ago. Today is Thanksgiving, the first day Stevie is supposed to be back to work.

His placement worker said he's been counting the days until the doctor said he could work, and it didn't matter at all that it was a holiday. He called 10 times in the past week, making sure we knew he was coming, fearful that we had forgotten him or that his job was in jeopardy. I arranged to have his mother bring him to work. I then met them in the parking lot and invited them both to celebrate his day back.

Stevie was thinner and paler, but couldn't stop grinning as he pushed through the doors and headed for the back room where his apron and busing cart were waiting.

"Hold up there, Stevie, not so fast," I said. I took him and his mother by their arms. "Work can wait for a minute. To celebrate you coming back, breakfast for you and your mother is on me!" I led them toward a large corner booth at the rear of the room.

I could feel and hear the rest of the staff following behind as we marched through the dining room. Glancing over my shoulder, I saw booth after booth of grinning truckers empty and join the procession. We stopped in front of the big table. Its surface was covered with coffee cups, saucers and dinner plates, all sitting slightly crooked on dozens of folded paper napkins. "First thing you have to do, Stevie, is clean up this mess," I said. I tried to sound stern.

Stevie looked at me, and then at his mother, then pulled out one of the napkins. It had "Something for Stevie" printed on the outside. As he picked it up, two $10 bills fell onto the table.

Stevie stared at the money, then at all the napkins peeking from beneath the tableware, each with his name printed or scrawled on it. I turned to his mother. "There's more than $10,000 in cash and checks on that table, all from truckers and trucking companies that heard about your problems. "Happy Thanksgiving,"

Well, it got real noisy about that time, with everybody hollering and shouting, and there were a few tears, as well.

But you know what's funny? While everybody else was busy shaking hands and hugging each other, Stevie, with a big, big smile on his face, was busy clearing all the cups and dishes from the table.

Best worker I ever hired.

Plant a seed and watch it grow.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

New Credit Card Scam
In view of the holiday season, I thought this was worthy of re-posting.
The Holiday Season is just a little bit down the road and the bad guys are already trying to get free stuff by using your credit. This one is pretty slick since they provide YOU with all the information, except the one piece they want. Note, the callers do not ask for your card number; they already have it. This information is worth reading. By understanding how the VISA & MasterCard Telephone Credit Card Scam works, you'll be better prepared to protect yourself.
The scam works like this: Person calling says, 'This is (name), and I'm calling from the Security and Fraud Department at VISA. My badge number is 12460. Your card has been flagged for an unusual purchase pattern, and I'm calling to verify. This would be on your VISA card which was issued by (name of bank). Did you purchase an Anti-Telemarketing Device for $497.99 from a Marketing company based in Arizona ?' When you say 'No', the caller continues with, 'Then we will be issuing a credit to your account. This is a company we have been watching and the charges range from $297 to $497, just under the $500 purchase pattern that flags most cards. Before your next statement, the credit will be sent to (gives you your address), is that correct? 'You say 'yes'. The caller continues - 'I will be starting a Fraud investigation. If you have any questions, you should call the 1- 800 number listed on the back of your card (1-800-VISA) and ask for Security.You will need to refer to this Control Number. The caller then gives you a 6 digit number. 'Do you need me to read it again?'
Here's the IMPORTANT part on how the scam works. The caller then says, 'I need to verify you are in possession of your card.' He'll ask you to 'turn your card over and look for some numbers.' There are 7 numbers; the first 4 are part of your card number, the next 3 are the security Numbers' that verify you are he possessor of the card. These are the numbers you sometimes use to make Internet purchases to prove you have the card. The caller will ask you to read the 3 numbers to him. After you tell the caller the 3 numbers, he'll say, 'That is correct, I just needed to verify that the card has not been lost or stolen, and that you still have you rcard. Do you have any other questions?' After you say, 'No,' the caller then thanks you and states, 'Don' t hesitate to call back if you do', and hangs up.
You actually say very little, and they never ask for or tell you the card number. But after we were called on Wednesday, we called back within 20 minutes to ask a question. Are we glad we did! The REAL VISA security Department told us it was scam an in the last 15 minutes a new purchase of $497.99 was charged to our card.
Long story - short - we made a real fraud report and closed the VISA account. VISA is reissuing us a new number. What the scammers want is the 3-digit PIN number on the back of the card. Don't give it to them. Instead, tell them you'll call VISA or Master card directly for verification of their conversation. The real VISA told us that they will never ask for anything on the card as they already know the information since they issued the card! If you give the scammers your 3 Digit PIN Number, you think you're receiving a credit. However, by the time you get your statement you 'll see charges for purchases you didn't make, and by then it's almost too late and/or more difficult to actually file a fraud report.
What makes this more remarkable is that on Thursday, I got a call from a 'Jason Richardson of Master Card' with a word-for-word repeat of the VISA scam. This time I didn't let him finish. I hung up! We filed a police report, as instructed by VISA. The police said they are taking several of these reports daily! They also urged us to tell everybody we know that this scam is happening.
Please pass this on to all your family and friends. By informing each other, we protect each other.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Kindle

I rarely do this, but I think this is a cool idea. If you are into "gadgets" as I am, this is one you might want to look into.


What is it?


The Amazon Kindle is a revolutionary portable reader that wirelessly downloads books, newspapers, magazines and blogs to a crisp, high-resolution electronic paper display that looks and reads like real paper, even in bright sunlight.

Kindle customers, no matter where they are in the U.S., can wirelessly shop the Kindle Store and download new content — all without a PC or a WiFi hot spot. Amazon pays for Kindle’s wireless connectivity so there are no monthly wireless bills and no service commitments for customers. The Kindle Store contains over 90,000 books that can be purchased and delivered wirelessly to Kindle, each in less than a minute. Customers can choose from hundreds of top newspapers, magazines and blogs and have their subscriptions auto-delivered wirelessly. All New York Times Best Sellers and New Releases are $9.99, unless marked otherwise.


At 10.3 ounces, Kindle is lighter and thinner than a paperback book, carries two hundred books, and includes built-in access to The New Oxford American Dictionary and wireless access to the Earth’s biggest encyclopedia,
Wikipedia.org.


The above is the "official" description. Here's my take: Most of the paperback books I buy are less than 10.3 ounces, and I usually pay less than $9.99 for my reading material. But, the Kindle will hold 200 books, is convenient to carry and will download from anywhere. For me, the downside is that the screen is in a greyscale and at $399 it's a bit on the pricey side.

Kindle includes a dictionary, a search function to find an article you may have read a few days ago, a QWERTY keyboard that works for both right and left-handers, adjustable text size, and a long-life battery. You can download the beginning of a book to read to decide if it's something you'd like to read. Amazon has over 90,000 books, newspapers, magazines, and blogs currently available, and 100 of 112 current NY Times bestsellers. And adding more all the time.

I can see the portable reader as being indispensible to commuters, students, vacationers, and anyone who loves to read. This might the be Christmas/Hanukka give of the season. There is a link on the right hand side of this page to the Kindle. Go look. See what you think.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Mike Huckabee

As my other long-time reader knows, I am a proponent of the Fair Tax and, as it turns out, so is Governor Huckabee. I invite you to follow the two links to see more about him, his platform and the truth about his term in office - the good and the bad - in reference to taxes.

Mike Huckabee for President website

and

NY Times
A

Sunday, December 02, 2007

The 4 Stages of Life

1) You believe in Santa Claus

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus

3) You are Santa Claus

4) You look like Santa Claus

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Christmas Quiz

Here is a link to a fun Christmas Game.

The whole family can join in the fun of our Christmas Quiz - everyone enjoys playing.

This Christmas Quiz is really unusual. It feels just like you are playing a fast Christmas game. You are given fourteen Christmas Quiz questions to answer which become increasingly difficult. The Christmas Quiz is in a multi-choice format, there's no typing you just point and click to the answer of your choice.

This Christmas Quiz can drive you crazy so before you answer a Christmas Quiz question make sure you are confident of your answer. Are you sure? Are you REALLY Sure? If you are not sure then we give you the opportunity to Change a Question (but only once per game) or you can "Ask the Web".

Have fun!

Fun Game

Maybe not a Christmas game, but it's worth a moment of fun :D

Pick the month you were born:

January I kicked
February I loved
March I karate chopped
April I licked
May I jumped on
June I smelled
July I did the Macarena with
August I had lunch with
September I danced with
October I sang to
November I yelled at
December I ran over

Pick the day (number) you were born on:

1. a birdbath
2. a monster
3. a phone
4. a fork
5. a snowman
6. a gangster
7. my cell phone
8. my dog
9. my best friends' boyfriend
10. my neighbor
11. my science teacher
12. a banana
13. a fireman
14. a stuffed animal
15. a goat
16. a pickle
17. your mom
18. a spoon
19. a smurf
20. a baseball bat
21. a ninja
22. Chuck Norris
23. a noodle
24. a squirrel
25. a football player
26. my sister
27. my brother
28. an ipod
29. a surfer
30. a llama
31. A homeless guy

Pick the color of shirt you are wearing:

White because I'm cool like that
Black because that's how I roll.
Pink because I'm NOT crazy.
Red because the voices told me to
Blue because I'm sexy and I do what I want
Green because I think I need some serious help.
Purple because I'm AWESOME!
Gray because Big Bird said to and he's my leader.
Yellow because someone offered me 1,000,000 dollars
Orange because my family thinks I'm stupid anyway.
Brown because I can.
Other because I'm a Ninja!
None because I can't control myself

Mine turned out to be: I had lunch with a banana because I'm a ninja..!

How about you?
Man Charged After Santa Gets Pie in Face

MISSOULA, Mont. (AP) - A college student accused of shoving a pumpkin pie into the face of a shopping-mall Santa Claus has been charged with misdemeanor assault.

Clint Westwood, 22, said he "lightly smooshed" the pie into the man's face Friday and shouted, "What do you think of that, Santa?"

Westwood, a drama student at the University of Montana, said he videotaped the encounter and plans to include the clip in an upcoming film.

He said that after the pie ruckus on Wednesday, he expected to approach Santa for a signature on a film-release form, but police arrived first.

"It's a good thing he didn't wait around, because I think Santa would have laid him out," said Sgt. Travis Welsh of the Missoula Police Department.

Westwood said he and companions had waited for a girl about 15 years old to finish sitting on Santa's lap before the pie hit his face, "but then we just decided it would be funnier if she was still sitting there."


Tell me, is this funny? Assaulting a person? Never mind that it's Santa, never mind that it's a pie, this college student committed assault to provide a clip for an upcoming film. Would the distributor be UTube by any chance? Battery could be charged, but considering the "reason", such as it is, I think assault is sufficient.

Then he expected "Santa" to sign a release form? I know what I would tell him to do with his release form if it were me.

Friday, November 30, 2007


Pilots & Control Towers
Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
-----------

Tower:"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower:"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
--------

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
-------

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

-----

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
-----
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

------

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

-----

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
-----
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
-----
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

-----

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
-----
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right
there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
He Misses Bill Clinton

From a show on Canadian TV, there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.

"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President. Number 1 - He played the sax. Number 2 - He smoked weed. Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women. Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he doesn't! And, he gets a check from the government every month. Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with 'Clinton Soup,'" in honor of one of the nation's most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

"Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada.

"When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied,
'I don't know, I never had one.'

"The Clinton revised judicial oath: 'I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know.'

"Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes."
The Attack on Christmas

Amidst this Christmas season, I have taken the liberty of gathering a few of my favorite examples of the politically correct war against Christmas.

First let's take a little trip to Ft. Collins, Colorado where the city task force wanted strictly white lights, bare garlands and secular symbols such as snowflakes because colored lights and ornamented trees were
too suggestive of a religious Christmas. In other words, this holiday task force was nothing more than a bunch of government bureaucrats with an activist agenda. Luckily, in this case, you will be happy to know that the city's residents spoke up, forcing the council to reject the proposal to create the strictly secular, multicultural display.

Traveling across the ocean, we go to Sydney, Australia where Santa Clauses were being trained not to say the traditional "ho, ho, ho." This is because the word "ho" is
offensive to women, and the children shouldn't be exposed to such derogatory words. Some Santas did quit over the dispute.

In Wales, an elementary school has banned its students from swapping Christmas cards because they are
bad for the environment. Instead, teachers will allow the students to make one card each for someone in their class to ensure that everyone gets a card. Isn't that great ... combining environmentalism with "fairness." What a concept?

In Oregon, a coalition has been formed to make sure that Christmas trees are coming from farms that are
environmentally friendly. The farms must meet the standards for properly managing wetlands, nutrients and pests. They must also conserve water and soil and be conscious of biodiversity and worker safety. The environmentalists like to call these "safe" trees.

While we are on the west coast, the Seattle mayor told children at a "holiday" tree lighting ceremony that children must use energy-efficient light bulbs
otherwise Santa and his reindeers will drown because of melting icecaps.

Santas in Great Britain are being told to slim down and get in shape in order to set a good example "for the children."

Are you getting the picture, folks? But we're not finished yet!

In its 2007 Holiday catalogue, Lowe's decided that even "holiday trees" were not PC enough. It decided to
re-name them "family trees." Lowe's has since apologized, saying it was a fact-checking error.

And finally, a principal at a government school in Winchester, Massachusetts canceled the school's annual trip to see "Miracle on 34th Street" because it is
too focused on Santa Claus.

Merry Christmas, folks. The politically correct are gearing up to make it a jolly season.

From
here
Re-Education Campaign
Can we say Big Brother??? More on the global warming non-issue.

Look, before anyone berates me for being part of the problem, I'm all for being as "green" as we can, but this global warning is a phony issue being used to show what "bad" people we Americans are. While there is some truth, there is a lot of junk science thrown into the equation that is taken out of proportion.

Here's the
link
Just Go Fishing

A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota ."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101,237.65"

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fishhook, and you sold him a BOAT AND a TRUCK???!!!"

The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing........"
From here
Panhandlers

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers......They panhandle in different areas of town.

Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 8 - 9 dollars every day. Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?".

Jose says, .... "Look at your sign, what does it say"?

Carlos sign reads, 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'

Jose says, "No wonder you only get $8 - 9 dollars."

Carlos says... "So what does your sign say?"

Jose shows Carlos his sign...... It reads, 'I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico !'

From
here
Everybody Party Now...!!


Escapa!

This is a game that is said to be used to test USAF pilots. I have no idea whether that's true or not, but it is kind of fun. Let me warn you that it can be addictive, so proceed at your own risk.

The object is to move the red square around the board without touching the black walls or the blue blocks. If you touch them, the game is over. going 18 seconds is phenomenal.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Christmas Tree Angel

One Christmas things weren't going too well for Santa up there at the North Pole. Mrs. Claus was sick, the elves were on strike and the reindeer all had diarrhea. Santa was totally frazzled.

In the midst of all this an angel came in with the tree and asked Santa, "Where would you like me to put the Christmas Tree?"
Word Play

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

Monday, November 26, 2007

What Christmas Ornament are You?


Try this
link at Blogthings to find out.

This is me....



You Are an Angel

A truly giving soul, you understand the spirit of Christmas.






Now THAT'S What I'm talkin' about!!
The Borscht Belt

You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, viz., Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others. Don't you miss their humor? Not one single swear word in their comedy.

Here are some examples:

There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night ..... I finally had to let her out.

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?"
The man says, "I make a good living."

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

My wife & I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

The doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."
Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I AM 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest.
The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?"
The doctor answers "That's what puzzles me!"

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

A bum asked a fellow, "Give me $10 till payday."
The fellow responded, "When's payday?"
The bum said, "I don't know! You're the one that's working!"

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is 'Not Now.'
:: rimshot ::