Saturday, November 05, 2011

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'' 

''Yes, What can I do for you?'' 

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'' 

''Thank you very much for the call, sir.'' 

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood. but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. 

Shortly after, the phone rings at Virgil's house. 

''Hey, Virgil, This here's Floyd.... Did the Sheriff come?'' 


"Did they chop your firewood for the winter?'' 


"Rednecks know how to git-R-done!"

Friday, November 04, 2011

The folks who are getting free "stuff" don’t like the folks who are paying for the free "stuff", because the folks who are paying for the free "stuff", can no longer afford to pay for both the free "stuff" and their own "stuff" at the same time. 

Now the folks who are paying for the free "stuff' want the free 'stuff to stop. 

And the folks who are getting the free "stuff" want even MORE free "stuff" on top of the free "stuff" they are getting already! 

Now the people who are FORCING people to PAY for the free "stuff" have told the people who are receiving the free "stuff" that the people who are paying for the free "stuff" are mean, prejudiced, and even racist. 

So the people who are getting the free "stuff" have been convinced they need to HATE the people who are PAYING for the free "stuff" because they are selfish bastards. 

And they are promised MORE free "stuff" if they will vote for the PEOPLE who force the people to pay for the free "stuff" to give them even MORE free "stuff"

This all happens because people who WORK for a living are outnumbered by those who VOTE for a living.

Thursday, November 03, 2011

Snotty Receptionist 

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a Prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.

The waiting room was filled with patients. As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name. 

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?" 

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man.

But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS." 

The room erupted in applause! 


Wednesday, November 02, 2011

This is the craziest thing I've seen in a long time. 

You also have to get out of your seat and walk away from your computer.

 People may think you're crazy. But it's well worth it. 

When you look at this picture you see it's Albert Einstein.

But if you stand 15 feet away it will become Marilyn Monroe. 

Now what do you think of the reliability of eyewitness testimony?

Tuesday, November 01, 2011

A punter was at the horse races playing the ponies... 

and all but losing his shirt. 

He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses. 

The punter made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race. 

He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next. He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning. 

The punter was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. 

This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. 

In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was. Confronting Him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

Monday, October 31, 2011

A man was sleeping one night in his cabin when suddenly his room filled with light, and God appeared. 

The Lord told the man he had work for him to do, and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin. The Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with all his might. So, this the man did, day after day. 

For many years he toiled from sunup to sundown, his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the unmoving rock, pushing with all his might! Each night the man returned to his cabin sore and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain. 

Since the man was showing discouragement, the Adversary (Satan) decided to enter the picture by placing thoughts into the man's weary mind. (He will do it every time!) "You have been pushing against that rock for a long time and it hasn't moved." Thus, he gave the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was a failure. 

These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man. Satan said, "Why kill yourself over this? Just put in your time, giving just the minimum effort, and that will be good enough." That's what the weary man planned to do, but decided to make it a matter of prayer and to take his troubled thoughts to the Lord.

"Lord," he said, "I have labored long and hard in Your Service, putting all my strength to do that which you have asked. Yet, after all this time, I have not even budged that rock by half a millimeter. What is wrong? Why am I failing?" 

The Lord responded compassionately, "My friend, when I asked you to serve Me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push against the rock with all of your strength, which you have done. Never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to push. And now you come to Me with your strength spent, thinking that you have failed. But, is that really so? Look at yourself. Your arms are strong and muscled, your back shiny and brown; your hands are callused from constant pressure, your legs have become massive and hard. Through opposition you have grown much, and your abilities now surpass that which you used to have. True, you haven't moved the rock. But your calling was to be obedient and to push and to exercise your faith and trust in My wisdom. That you have done. Now I, my friend, will move the rock." 

At times, when we hear a word from God, we tend to use our own intellect to decipher what He wants, when actually what God wants is just simple obedience and faith in Him. By all means, exercise the faith that moves mountains, but know that it is still God Who moves the mountains. 

When everything seems to go wrong.................................Just P.U.S.H
When the job gets you down...............................................Just P.U.S.H
When people don't do as you think they should..............Just P.U.S.H 
When your money is "gone" and the bills are due..........Just P.U.S.H
When people just don't understand you...........................Just P.U.S.H

P = Pray 
U = Until 
S = Something 
H = Happens
3 years 7 months 
(43 months)

Sunday, October 30, 2011

If you had all power, Then how would you learn to depend on me?