On hearing that my elderly grandfather died, I went to my 98-year old grandma's house. When I asked how he died, gran replied, "He had a heart attack during Sunday morning sex", I was aghast at my 2 grandparents risking their lives making love.

"We do it to the church bells. Nice and slow. In on the ding, out on the dong", she paused to wipe away a tear, "He'd still be alive if the effing ice cream van hadn't came round"