Helpful Tips from Sally Homemaker

No More Mosquitoes: Place a dryer sheet in your pocket. no more mosquitoes.

Squirrel Away!: To keep squirrels from eating your plants sprinkle your plants with cayenne pepper. The cayenne pepper doesn't hurt the plant and the squirrels won't come near it.

Flexible vacuum: To get something out of a heat register or under the fridge add an empty paper towel roll or empty gift wrap roll to your vacumn. It can be bent or flattened to get in narrow openings.

from email

Simple Thank You

Last week, while traveling to Chicago on business, I noticed a Marine sergeant traveling with a folded flag, but did not put two and two together. After we boarded our flight, I turned to the sergeant, who'd been invited to sit in First Class (across from me), and inquired if he was heading home.

No, he responded.

Heading out I asked?

No. I'm escorting a soldier home.

Going to pick him up?

No. He is with me right now. He was killed in Iraq . I'm taking him home to his family.

The realization of what he had been asked to do hit me like a punch to the gut. It was an honor for him. He told me that, although he didn't know the soldier, he had delivered the news of his passing to the soldier's family and felt as if he knew them after many conversations in so few days. I turned back to him, extended my hand, and said, "Thank you. Thank you for doing what you do so my family and I can do what we do."

Upon landing in Chicago the pilot stopped short of the gate and made the following announcement over the intercom:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to note that we have had the honor of having Sergeant Steeley of the United States Marine Corps join us on this flight. He is escorting a fallen comrade back home to his family. I ask that you please remain in your seats when we open the forward door to allow Sergeant Steeley to deplane and receive his fellow soldier. We will then turn off the seat belt sign."

Without a sound, all went as requested. I noticed the sergeant saluting the casket as it was brought off the plane, and his action made me realize that I am proud to be an American. So here's a public "Thank You" to our military Men and Women for what you do so we can live the way we do.

signed: Stuart Margel -- Washington , D.C.

ed.: Do I know whether this is a true story or not? No, and I really don't care. In my opinion it's worthy of being passed on simply for the thank you it sends to the troops who do what they do, so we can do what we do.

In Heat

A little girl asks her Mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Her Mum replies "No, because she is in heat."

"What does that mean?" asked the girl.

"Go ask your father. I think he is in the shed."

The little girl goes out to the garage and says "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum but she said the dog was in heat and to come and ask you."

Dad said. "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline and scrubbed the dog's backside to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog.

Surprised Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

(You're gonna love this!!!!!!!!!!!)

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

Test Your Brain- Answer

Two shaggy old dogs were walking down the street. Captain sits down and scratches his ear, then turns to Champ and growls, "If one of your fleas jumped onto me, we'd have the same number."

Champ barks back, "But if one of yours jumped onto me, I'd have five times as many as you!"

How many fleas are there on Champ?

Captain has two fleas and Champ has four

It's An Animal's Life

IF YOU TELL THE GUYS ABOUT THIS, I'M PEEING IN YOUR SHOES!

from email

Contact Information

I didn't know this was available. My information is now on file.

Using the website below, you can put 2 emergency contacts on your Florida Driver's license, which can only be retrieved by a police officer.

This came about as a result of one woman's teenage daughter being killed in a car accident and it took over 5 hours to locate the mother to tell her. This way, if you are in an accident, the police can run the driver's licence and have the emergency info.

https://www6.hsmv.state.fl.us/dlcheck/findcustomer

Another suggestion: make an emergency listing in your cell's phone book. If you're in an accident, emergency personnel can find a number for someone to contact. You can use, "Mother", "Father", "Parent", "Brother", "Sister", "Son", "Daughter", "Friend", well, whatever you want. I use "ICE" - In Case of Emergency and listed my home phone.

SICK LEAVE

I needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "...And where do you think you're going?"

(You're gonna love this.....)

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

Politeness Counts

Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone.

"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.

Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.

The next morning, at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back.

"Good morning, Mr. Williams. I just called to tell you that I don't HAVE a dog."

New California Driver's Licence

Two thousand years ago, Moses said, "Pick up your shovel, pack your ass, mount your camel and I shall lead you to the Promised Land."

Two hundred-plus years ago, George Washington said, "Get off your ass, use your shovel, clear the land, grow plants for camels and it will be the Promised Land."

Last year, the Congress of the United States said "Si, Amigos, throw away your shovel, sit on your ass, light your Camels, we're giving you the Promised Land."

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear, "Get the right f**in' number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word "jackass" next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're a jackass!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "jackass calling" would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first jackass (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW jackass, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is", he said.

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.

"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're a jackass!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two jackasses to call. Then I came up with an idea.

I called jackass #1.

"Hello."

"You're a jackass!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Jackass, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, jackass," and hung up.

Then I called jackass #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, jackass," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, jackass, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two jackasses beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really works.

Wednesday Words of Wisdom

A society that does not recognize that each individual has values of his own which he is entitled to follow can have no respect for the dignity of the individual and cannot really know freedom.

—Fredrich August von Hayek

from The Patriot Post

Lost in Home Depot

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

These People Vote

While working at a Pizza Parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He though about it for some time before responding.

"Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 ".

. . . . . . . Yep, he votes too.

Now you know who elects the politicians!!

Two Southern Belles

(warning! Adult humor - not suitable for work)

Two Southern Belles were sittin' on the porch one hot afternoon. The first had just returned from a trip to New York. She said to the second Belle, "You know, up there in New York, they've got men who kiss men on the lips."

"Oh dear me!" cried the second Belle. "What do they call those men?" she questioned.

The first replied, "They call them homosexuals. And did you know, up there they've got women who kiss women on the private parts?"

"Oh Heavens!" The second gasped. "What on Earth do they call those women?"

"Why, they call them lesbians. Up there, they also have men who kiss women on their private parts."

The second belle nearly fell from her chair. "Oh Lawdy! What do they call those men?"

The first Belle answered, "Well, after I caught my breath, I called him precious!"

for those of you old enough to remember, can't you just see the "Hee-Haw" girls doing this as a skit?

Your Age by Chocolate Math

This is pretty wild!

Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway. But, the Hershey Man will know!

It takes less than a minute so work this out as you read . Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out! This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1756 If you haven't, add 1755.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number

The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).

The next two numbers are ......

YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)

You Might Live In Iowa If...

Received from my Proud to Be From Iowa cousin

JEFF FOXWORTHY ON IOWA

You Might Live In Iowa If...

You consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by

You're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because it's the coldest or hottest spot in the nation

Your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March

You instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year

Someone in a store offers you assistance...and they don't work there

Your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead

You have worn shorts and a parka at the same time

Your town has an equal number of bars and churches

You have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE IOWAN WHEN:

1. Vacation means going east or west on I-80 for the weekend.

2. You measure distance in hours.

3 You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.

5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.

6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).

7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.

9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

11. You know all 5 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, road construction & DAMN HOT!

12. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.

13. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.

14. Down south means Missouri.

15. A brat is something you eat.

16. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed.

17. You go out to a tailgate party every Friday.

18. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors because your fireworks melted.

19. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

20. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."

21. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Iowa friends

Now, in Iowa's defense, some of these can be attributed to other states as well. I recognize Florida and the South in more than a few, but this is about Iowa. So, Iowans, stand up and Be Proud!

What Do....

Canadians celebrate today?

From One Inventor to Another

Arthur Davidson, the inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute, then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?" Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours!"

The Road of Life

At first, I saw God as my observer, my judge, keeping track of the things I did wrong, so as to know whether I merited heaven or hell when I die. He was out there sort of like a president. I recognized His picture when I saw it, but I really didn't know Him. But later on when I met Christ, it seemed as though life were rather like a bike ride, but it was a tandem bike, and I noticed that Christ was in the back helping me pedal. I don't know just when it was that He suggested we change places, but life has not been the same since.

When I had control, I knew the way. It was rather boring, but predictable it was the shortest distance between two points. But when He took the lead, He knew delightful long cuts, up mountains, and through rocky places at breakneck speeds. It was all I could do to hang on!

Even though it looked like madness, He said, "Pedal!" I worried and was anxious and asked, "Where are you taking me?" He laughed and didn't answer, and I started to learn to trust. I forgot my boring life and entered into the adventure, and when I'd say, "I'm scared," He'd lean back and touch my hand. I gained love, peace, acceptance and joy; gifts to take on my journey, My Lord's and mine. And we were off again.

He said, "Give the gifts away. They're extra baggage, too much weight." So I did, to the people we met, and I found that in giving I received, and still our burden was light.

I did not trust Him, at first, in control of my life. I thought He'd wreck it; but he knows bike secrets, knows how to make it bend to take sharp corners, knows how to jump to clear high rocks, knows how to fly to shorten, scary passages. And I am learning to shut up and pedal in the strangest places, and I'm beginning to enjoy the view and the cool breeze on my face with my delightful constant companion, Jesus Christ.

And when I'm sure I just can't do it anymore, He just smiles and says... "Pedal."

from email

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Chances are you know someone who has been affected by breast cancer. Generally thought to be only a "woman's issue", we forget that men can develop breast cancer too.

My husband had a tender spot on his breast that thankfully turned out to be just a tender spot. It could have just as easily been cancer.

There are a lot of events throughout the year, but especially during October to raise awarness of breast cancer and also to raise money for research.

I've added a button to my sidebar that will take you to CafePress.

CafePress.com will donate 40% of the retail price of all products sold through the Breast Cancer Donation Shop through October 31, 2006 to a non-profit 501(c)(3) organization with a core purpose of raising awareness and funding breast cancer research and education.

Go now. Buy something and make a donation at the same time.