Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

WARNING: BEFORE you read this, go use the restroom... and DO NOT have liquid in your mouth...just in case. :)  

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. 

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...?? WAY TOO COOL! 

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. 

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? 

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. 

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! 

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. 

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! 

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!.

SOMETHING OUR KIDS / GRAND KIDS--ALL NEED TO UNDERSTAND!! 

This should be posted in every school or kid's bedroom. Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! Bill Gates (see below) recently gave a speech at a High School about eleven (11) things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world. 

Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it! 

Rule 2 : The world doesn't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself. 

Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both. 

Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss 

Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: They called it opportunity. 

Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them. 

Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were: So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room. 

Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. *This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life. 

Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. *Do that on your own time. 

Rule 10 : Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs. 

Rule 11 : Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Kitten here: this has been attributed to several people, most recently, Bill Gates. It was actually authored by Charles J Sykes, author of the 1996 book "Dumbing Down Our Kids: Why American Kids Feel Good About Themselves But Can't Read, Write, or Add" go here for more information on this particular article.

WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WASN'T LOOKING

A message every adult should read because children
are watching you and doing as you do, not as you say.

WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WASN'T LOOKING

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you hang my 
first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately 
wanted to paint another one. 

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you feed a 
stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind 
to animals. 

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make my
favorite cake for me, and I learned that the little 
things can be the special things in life. 

When you thought I wasn't looking I heard you say a 
prayer, and I knew that there is a God I could always 
talk to, and I learned to trust in Him. 

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make a 
meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I 
learned that we all have to help take care of each other. 

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you take care 
of our house and everyone in it, and I learned we have 
to take care of what we are given. 

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw how you 
handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't 
feel good, and I learned that I would have to be 
responsible when I grow up. 

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw tears come 
from your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things 
hurt, but it's all right to cry. 

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw that you 
cared, and I wanted to be everything that I could be.. 

When you thought I wasn't looking I learned most of 
life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and 
productive person when I grow up. 

When you thought I wasn't looking I looked at you and 
wanted to say,’ Thanks for all the things I saw when 
you thought I wasn't looking.' 




Each of us (parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, cousin, teacher, nurse, friend)
influences the life of a child.

How will you touch the life of someone today? Just by
sending this to someone else, you will probably make
them at least think about their influence on others.
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.
Speak kindly.
Leave the rest to God.

 

Thank God for the old geezers of the "Gray-Haired Brigade."

They like to refer to us as senior citizens, old fogies, geezers, and in some cases dinosaurs.

 

Some of us are "Baby Boomers" getting ready to retire. Others have been retired for some time. We walk a little slower these days and our eyes and hearing are not what they once were.

 

We have worked hard, raised our children, worshipped our God and grown old together. Yes, we are the ones some refer to as being over the hill, and that is probably true. But before writing us off completely, there are a few things that need to be taken into consideration.

 

In school we studied English, history, math, and science which enabled us to lead America into the technological age. Most of us remember what outhouses were, many of us with firsthand experience. We remember the days of telephone party-lines, 25 cent gasoline, and milk and ice being delivered to our homes. For those of you who don't know what an icebox is, today they are electric and referred to as refrigerators. A few even remember when cars were started with a crank. Yes, we lived those days.

We are probably considered old fashioned and out-dated by many.

 

But, there are a few things you need to remember before completely writing us off. We won World War II, fought in Korea and Viet Nam . We can quote The Pledge of Allegiance, and know where to place our hand while doing so. We wore the uniform of our country with pride and lost many friends on the battlefield. We didn't fight for the Socialist States of America , we fought for the "Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave." We wore different uniforms but carried the same flag. We know the words to the Star Spangled Banner, America , and America the Beautiful by heart, and you may even see some tears running down our cheeks as we sing. We have lived what many of you have only read about in history books and we feel no obligation to apologize to anyone for American.

 

Yes, we are old and slow these days but rest assured, we have at least one good fight left in us. We have loved this country, fought for it, and died for it, and now we are going to save it. It is our country and nobody is going to take it away from us. We took oaths to defend America against all enemies, foreign and domestic, and that is an oath we plan to keep. There are those who want to destroy this land we love but, like our founders, there is no way we are going to remain silent.

 

It was the young people of this nation who elected Obama and the Democratic Congress.You fell for the "Hope and Change" which in reality was nothing but "Hype and Lies." You have tasted socialism and seen evil face to face, and have found you don't like it after all. You make a lot of noise, but most are all too interested in their careers or "Climbing the Social Ladder" to be involved in such mundane things as patriotism and voting. Many of those who fell for the "Great Lie" in 2008 are now having buyer's remorse. With all the education we gave you, you didn't have sense enough to see through the lies and instead drank the 'Kool-Aid.' Now you're paying the price and complaining about it. No jobs, lost mortgages, higher taxes, and less freedom. This is what you voted for and this is what you got. We entrusted you with the Torch of Liberty and you traded it for a paycheck and a fancy house.

 

Well, don't worry youngsters, the Gray Haired Brigade is here, and in 2012 we are going to take back our nation. We may drive a little slower than you would like but we get where we're going, and in 2012 we're going to the polls by the millions. This land does not belong to the man in the White House nor to the likes of Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid. It belongs to "We the People" and "We the People" plan to reclaim our land and our freedom. We hope this time you will do a better job of preserving it and passing it along to our grandchildren. So the next time you have the chance to say the Pledge of Allegiance, Stand up, put your hand over your heart, honor our country!!

 

Thank God for the old geezers of the "Gray-Haired Brigade."

Gray-Haired Brigade Member

I am another Gray Haired Geezer signing on. Come on, let’s get this circulating around.

Remember that you can't fix stupid................but you can vote it out!!!!!!

Famous Quotes From Democrats

Have you gotten this via email?  We couldn’t resist giving it a place of honor.  We have no idea who the source is, we just found it….telling!

Great Orators of the Democrat Party PAST:
“One man with courage makes a majority.” – Andrew Jackson
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” - Franklin D. Roosevelt
“The buck stops here.” – Harry S. Truman
“Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.” – John F. Kennedy

And, Great orators of the Democrat party TODAY

“It depends what your definition of ‘Sex’ is?” - Bill Clinton
“Those rumors are false … I believe in the sanctity of marriage.” - John Edwards
“I invented the Internet.” - Al Gore
“The next Person that tells me I’m not religious, I’m going to shove my rosary beads up their ass.” - Joe Biden
“I have campaigned in all 57 states.” - Barack Obama (Quoted 2008)
“You don’t need God anymore, you have us Democrats.” - Nancy Pelosi (Quoted 2006)
“Paying taxes is voluntary.” - Sen. Harry Reid
“Bill is the greatest husband and father I know. No one is more faithful, true, and honest than he.” - Hillary Clinton (Quoted 1998)

And the most recent gem of wisdom:
“We just have to pass the Healthcare Bill to see what’s in it.” - Nancy Pelosi

(Quoted March, 2010)

link

Obituary-Very Interesting! 


Born 1776, Died 2008 


It doesn't hurt to read this several times. 


Professor Joseph Olson of Hamline University School of Law in St. Paul, Minnesota, points out some interesting facts concerning the lastPresidential election: 


Number of States won by:                     Obama:19             McCain: 29 
Square miles of land won by:                 Obama:580,000     McCain: 2,427,000 
Population of counties won by:              Obama:127 million McCain: 143 million 
Murder rate per 100,000 residents in counties won by: 
                                                         Obama: 13.2         McCain: 2.1


Professor Olson adds: "In aggregate, the map of the territory McCain won was mostly the land owned by the taxpaying citizens of the country. Obama territory mostly encompassed those citizens living in low income tenements and living off various forms of government welfare..." 


Olson believes the United States is now somewhere between the "complacency and apathy" phase of Professor Tyler's definition of democracy, with some forty percent of the nation's population already having reached the "governmental dependency" phase. If Congress grants amnesty and citizenship to twenty million criminal invaders called illegal's - and they vote - then we can say goodbye to the USA in fewer than five years.

A bus filled with politicians was driving in the countryside one day on the campaign trail. The driver, caught up in the scenery, lost control and crashed. A farmer living nearby hears the crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians, he buries them. 

Next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?" 

The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."

The Power of Observation

In the picture below, we will analyze what it represents to some groups of people. Read the review after the photo.

- For young men, it's a nice ass. Only the most observant will define this as an ass crossing the street. 

- The really observant will see the thong. 

- For older men, it is a respectable woman with a nice ass crossing the street. 

- The perverts will imagine her as a naked woman. 

- The wise men will ponder the presence of mind of the photographer in the face of such beauty and gratitude that it was shared with humanity. 

- For half of the women, this is an ordinary woman who should not have left home dressed that way. 

- The other half is wondering where she bought that blouse. 

- The wise women imagine the misery that this will be at age 50. 

- Children, the curious, and monks will probably notice a dog driving the taxi.

Don't be alarmed, I didn't see the dog either.

Florida Hotel Fires Employee for Refusing to Remove American Flag Pin 

Published October 16, 2011 | FoxNews.com 

A front desk supervisor at a Florida hotel was fired recently when he refused management’s request to remove the American flag pin he was wearing, news4jax.com reports. 

Sean May, 26, an employee at Casa Monica Hotel in St. Augustine, Fla., has been wearing an American flag pin to work every day for the last two years. Last week, he was told to remove the pin because it violates company policy. 

"I've actually gotten probably more compliments about it than any of the service I've actually done at the hotel, which is an interesting concept," May told the station. 

May said Casa Monica recently had a change in command at the corporate level and is trying to revamp its image. A spokesperson for the hotel released this statement: "Casa Monica has always had the personal appearance guidelines, and they are currently being enforced." 

"It seems silly. It seems so, so silly in the long run," May said. "They're so upset about a little pin, and yet I come to work every day and flying over the hotel there's a gigantic American flag." 

May said he loves his job, but he's willing to risk it to stand up for what he feels is right.

Just before firing May the day after he was sent home for wearing an American flag pin, the Casa Monica Hotel answered some questions from news4jax.com in an email Friday. 

"The Casa Monica Hotel located in St. Augustine, Florida, is an American-based, homegrown historic hotel," the email reads. "The property reflects its pride in America and great patriotism by flying the Stars and Stripes high over the hotel. The American flag greets every guest and employee with its symbolism of our belief in this great country." 

"However, our employee handbook clearly states, 'No other buttons, badges, pins or insignias of any kind are permitted to be worn.' No matter an individual's national preference, political views or religious affiliation, it is a standard regulation which ensures equality for all Grand Performers (employees)." 

Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2011/10/16/florida-hotel-fires-employee-for-refusing-to-remove-american-flag-pin/print#ixzz1azcVmIla

If I gave you all things, How would you appreciate them?

Life Explained

On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." 

So God agreed. 

On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks and make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" 

And God agreed. 

On the third day God created the cow. "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." 

And God agreed again. 

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years? Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?" 

Okay," said God, "You've got a deal." 

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. 

Life has now been explained to you.