Saturday, September 02, 2006
Friday, September 01, 2006
As of today, I will have twelve months to decide whether or not to retire on the earliest day I am eligible for retirement. Look forward to more of these posts.
1. You can enjoy a beer all month long
5. When your beer goes flat, you toss it out
6. Hangovers go away
7. A beer label comes off without a fight
8. Beer is never late
9. Beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer
11. A beer never gets a headache
12. After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer
14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head
15. A beer always goes down easy
16. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty
17. You can share a beer with your friends
18. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer
19. Beer is always wet
20. Beer doesn't demand equality
21. You can have a beer in public
22. A beer doesn't care when you come
23. A frigid beer is a good beer
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good
25. If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls."
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night? " Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Now, didn't that feel good?
Remember, we all say things we don't really mean, so think before you speak. And If you slip and say something you wish you could take back, just grin and bear it, the embarrassment will pass as soon as the next person says something they wish they could take back.
Another gem from email
. . . . She ALSO votes!
Monday, August 28, 2006
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived....and bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."
With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, baby....Southern Girl needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down...and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers...and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know...I thought you were watching."
Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But, all men.....are well....men.
The above represents my feelings to a great extent. I do care when the one right we all should be entitled to is taken lightly: the right to life. Some Islamic extremists have decided that because you and I don't worship the same way they do, we should die. I once thought I was as extreme in my faith as most others are, but maybe I'm not. I would never consider killing someone because they worship differently than I do.
I also believe in the right to dignity. What happened in Abu Gharib was wrong. Once upon a time, I would have thought it impossible that an American soldier would do such a thing. Then I remembered that American soldiers are human and subject to the same foibles that we all are subject to. Putting on a uniform that says "Army", "Marines", "Navy", Air Force", or "Coast Guard" does not automatically give these young men and women morality or common sense. What they did was wrong and they should be punished for it.
There's more, but that's enough for now.
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Does evil exist? Did God create evil?
The University professor challenged his students with this question."Did God create everything that exists?"
A student bravely replied, "Yes he did!"
"God created everything?" The professor asked.
"Yes sir", the student replied.
The professor answered, "If God created everything, then God created evil, since evil exists, and according to the principal that our works define who we are, then God is evil." The student became quiet before such an answer.
The professor, quite pleased with himself, boasted to the students that he had proven once more that the religious faith was a myth.
Another student raised his hand and said, "Can I ask you a question professor?"
"Of course", replied the professor.
The student stood up and asked, "Professor does cold exist?"
"What kind of question is this? Of course it exists. Have you never been cold?"
The students snickered at the young man's question.
The young man replied, "In fact sir, cold does not exist. According to the laws of physics, what we consider cold is in reality the absence of heat. Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-460? F) is the total absence of heat; all matter becomes inert and incapable of reaction at that temperature. Cold does not exist. We have created this word to describe how we feel if we have no heat."
The student continued, "Professor, does darkness exist?
The professor responded, "Of course it does."
The student replied, "Once again you are wrong sir, darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light. Light we can study, but not darkness. In fact, we can use Newton's prism to break white light into many colors and study the various wavelengths of each color. You cannot measure darkness. A simple ray of light can break into a world of darkness and illuminate it. How can you know how dark a certain space is? You measure the amount of light present. Isn't this correct? Darkness is a term used by man to describe what happens when there is no light present."
Finally the young man asked the professor, "Sir, does evil exist?"
Now uncertain, the professor responded, "Of course as I have already said. We see it everyday. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil."
To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light."
The professor sat down.
The young man's name -- Albert Einstein
I have no idea whether Einstein said this or not. I really don't care because whether it was Einstein, someone else, or created completely out of whole cloth, it tells a great story.