It's An Animal's Life

THEY'LL NEVER FIND ME IN HERE!

from email

Nothing Better Than Friendship

from email

Retirees: The Whole Truth, Nothing But...

Question: How many days are in a week?

Answer: 7 - 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?

Answer: Three hours after they fall asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?

Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?

Answer: The term comes with a 10 per cent discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?

Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?

Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?

Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?

Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?

Answer: Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?

Answers: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?

Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?

Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

As of today, I will have twelve months to decide whether or not to retire on the earliest day I am eligible for retirement. Look forward to more of these posts.

25 Reasons a Beer is Better than a Women

Just to show that humor is an equal opportunity provider:

1. You can enjoy a beer all month long

2. Beer stains wash out

3. You don't have to wine and dine beer

4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play baseball
5. When your beer goes flat, you toss it out
6. Hangovers go away
7. A beer label comes off without a fight
8. Beer is never late
9. Beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer
11. A beer never gets a headache
12. After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer
14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head
15. A beer always goes down easy
16. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty
17. You can share a beer with your friends
18. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer
19. Beer is always wet
20. Beer doesn't demand equality
21. You can have a beer in public
22. A beer doesn't care when you come
23. A frigid beer is a good beer
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good
25. If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony

Wednesday Words of Wisdom

A hangover is the wrath of grapes

Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!

- Anne Tyler

It contains more than 55,000 pages …

It is so complex that even those who wrote it don’t fully understand it.

The “it” is the federal tax code, and more and more Americans are demanding that the time has come to abolish the IRS in favor of a “Fair Tax” system.

Simply stated the Fair Tax is a 23 percent consumption tax on new purchases. Unlike the current system that siphons off $23 from every $100 earned, the Fair Tax moves the tax burden from the workforce to the consumer—giving them control over how much they are taxed.

The Fair Tax system would eliminate the IRS and replace every current federal tax—personal income tax, business income tax, the death tax, the investment tax and Social Security/FICA taxes included with a simple, Fair Tax. In other words, you would keep 100 percent of your paycheck and then pay ONE tax, the Fair Tax. Your income, savings and investments would never be taxed. And Congress would never again be able to hide tax increases in a convoluted system and manipulate the tax code for political gain.

And the best part? The Fair Tax would completely fund the federal government, Social Security and Medicare!

http://www.grassfire.org/84/petition.asp?PID=11553720&NID=1

THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."

My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night? " Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good?

Remember, we all say things we don't really mean, so think before you speak. And If you slip and say something you wish you could take back, just grin and bear it, the embarrassment will pass as soon as the next person says something they wish they could take back.

Another gem from email

These People Vote

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving".

. . . . She ALSO votes!

Gambling Blonde

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived....and bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, baby....Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down...and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers...and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know...I thought you were watching."

Moral ---

Not all Southerners are stupid.

Not all blondes are dumb.

But, all men.....are well....men.

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.

- James Thurber

WHAT'S ALL OF THE FUSS?

The following has been attributed in email to Pam Foster. The truth is that it was written by Doug Patton, a freelance columnist and political speechwriter. It was published on the gopusa.com website in 2005. Ms. Foster forwarded it to her nephew serving in Iraq. Somehow, it became attributed to Ms. Foster.

Are we fighting a war on terror or aren't we? Was it or was it not started by Islamic people who brought it to our shores on September 11, 2001?

Were people from all over the world, mostly Americans, not brutally murdered that day, in downtown Manhattan, across the Potomac from our nation's capitol and in a field in Pennsylvania? Did nearly three thousand men, women and children die a horrible, burning or crushing death that day, or didn't they?

And I'm supposed to care that a copy of the Koran was "desecrated" when an overworked American soldier kicked it or got it wet? Well, I don't. I don't care at all.

I'll start caring when Osama bin Laden turns himself in and repents for incinerating all those innocent people on 9/11.

I'll care about the Koran when the fanatics in the Middle East start caring about the Holy Bible, the mere possession of which is a crime in Saudi Arabia.

I'll care when Abu Musab al-Zarqawi tells the world he is sorry for hacking off Nick Berg's head while Berg screamed through his gurgling, slashed throat.

I'll care when the cowardly so-called "insurgents" in Iraq come out and fight like men instead of disrespecting their own religion by hiding in mosques.

I'll care when the mindless zealots who blow themselves up in search of nirvana care about the innocent children within range of their suicide bombs.

I'll care when the American media stops pretending that their First Amendment liberties are somehow derived from international law instead of the United States Constitution's Bill of Rights.

In the meantime, when I hear a story about a brave Marine roughing up an Iraqi terrorist to obtain information, know this: I don't care.

When I see a fuzzy photo of a pile of naked Iraqi prisoners who have been humiliated in what amounts to a college hazing incident, rest assured that I don't care.

When I see a wounded terrorist get shot in the head when he is told not to move because he might be booby-trapped, you can take it to the bank that Idon't care.

When I hear that a prisoner, who was issued a Koran and a prayer mat, and fed "special" food that is paid for by my tax dollars, is complaining that his holy book is being "mishandled," You can absolutely believe in your heart of hearts that I don't care.

And oh, by the way, I've noticed that sometimes it's spelled "Koran" and other times "Quran."

Well, Jimmy Crack Corn and ---- you got it, I DON'T CARE!

The above represents my feelings to a great extent. I do care when the one right we all should be entitled to is taken lightly: the right to life. Some Islamic extremists have decided that because you and I don't worship the same way they do, we should die. I once thought I was as extreme in my faith as most others are, but maybe I'm not. I would never consider killing someone because they worship differently than I do.

I also believe in the right to dignity. What happened in Abu Gharib was wrong. Once upon a time, I would have thought it impossible that an American soldier would do such a thing. Then I remembered that American soldiers are human and subject to the same foibles that we all are subject to. Putting on a uniform that says "Army", "Marines", "Navy", Air Force", or "Coast Guard" does not automatically give these young men and women morality or common sense. What they did was wrong and they should be punished for it.

There's more, but that's enough for now.

Theory of Evil

Does evil exist? Did God create evil?

The University professor challenged his students with this question."Did God create everything that exists?"

A student bravely replied, "Yes he did!"

"God created everything?" The professor asked.

"Yes sir", the student replied.

The professor answered, "If God created everything, then God created evil, since evil exists, and according to the principal that our works define who we are, then God is evil." The student became quiet before such an answer.

The professor, quite pleased with himself, boasted to the students that he had proven once more that the religious faith was a myth.

Another student raised his hand and said, "Can I ask you a question professor?"

"Of course", replied the professor.

The student stood up and asked, "Professor does cold exist?"

"What kind of question is this? Of course it exists. Have you never been cold?"

The students snickered at the young man's question.

The young man replied, "In fact sir, cold does not exist. According to the laws of physics, what we consider cold is in reality the absence of heat. Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-460? F) is the total absence of heat; all matter becomes inert and incapable of reaction at that temperature. Cold does not exist. We have created this word to describe how we feel if we have no heat."

The student continued, "Professor, does darkness exist?

The professor responded, "Of course it does."

The student replied, "Once again you are wrong sir, darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light. Light we can study, but not darkness. In fact, we can use Newton's prism to break white light into many colors and study the various wavelengths of each color. You cannot measure darkness. A simple ray of light can break into a world of darkness and illuminate it. How can you know how dark a certain space is? You measure the amount of light present. Isn't this correct? Darkness is a term used by man to describe what happens when there is no light present."

Finally the young man asked the professor, "Sir, does evil exist?"

Now uncertain, the professor responded, "Of course as I have already said. We see it everyday. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil."

To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light."

The professor sat down.

The young man's name -- Albert Einstein

I have no idea whether Einstein said this or not. I really don't care because whether it was Einstein, someone else, or created completely out of whole cloth, it tells a great story.

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.

- Robert Benchley