The Dentist Visit

A guy goes into his dentist's office, because something is wrong with his mouth. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?"

"Well... the only thing I can think of is this... my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it... Hollandaise sauce she called it... and doctor, I'm talkin' DELICIOUS! I've never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I've been putting it on everything... meat, fish, toast, vegetables... you name it!"

"That's probably it," replied the dentist "Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as thought I'll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time."

"Why chrome?" the man asked.

"Well, everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

Leroy the Reindeer

Well, you've all heard the story
About Rudolph and his nose
But I'll tell you a Christmas tale
That never has been told
You may think you've heard it all
But you ain't heard nothing yet
About that crazy Christmas
The North Pole can't forget



Well, Rudolph was under the weather
He had to call in sick
So he got on the horn to his cousin Leroy
Who lived out in the sticks
He said "Santa's really countin' on me
And I hate to pass the buck"
Leroy said "Hey, I'm on my way"
And he jumped in his pickup truck



When Leroy got to the North Pole
All the reindeer snickered and laughed
They'd never seen a reindeer in overalls
And a John Deere tractor hat
Santa jumped in and said "Just hold on
Cause we've all got a job to do
And like it or not, Leroy's in charge
And he's gonna be leadin' you"

Chorus

And it was Leroy, the Redneck Reindeer
Hooked to the front of the sleigh
Deliverin' toys to all the good ole boys
And girls along the way
He's just a down home, party-animal
Two-stepping across the sky
He mixed jingle bells with a rebel yell And made history that night



Before that night was over
Leroy had changed their tune
He had'em scootin' a hoof on every roof
By the light of the neon moon
Santa wrapped his bag with a dixie-flag
He was havin the time of his life
And you could hear him call
"Merry Christmas ya'll

And ya'll a Good Night"

from email

A Puppy's 12 Days of Christmas

By Elise Lewis

On the first day of Christmas my puppy gave to me

The Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the second day of Christmas my puppy gave to me

Two leaking bubble lights

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the third day of Christmas my puppy gave to me

Three punctured ornaments

Two leaking bubble lights

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the fourth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me

Four broken window candles

Three punctured ornaments

Two leaking bubble lights

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the fifth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me

Five chewed-up stockings

Four broken window candles

Three punctured ornaments

Two leaking bubble lights

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the sixth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me

Six yards of soggy ribbon

Five chewed-up stockings

Four broken window candles

Three punctured ornaments

Two leaking bubble lights

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the seventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me

Seven scraps of wrapping paper

Six yards of soggy ribbon

Five chewed-up stockings

Four broken window candles

Three punctured ornaments

Two leaking bubble lights

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the eighth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me

Eight tiny reindeer fragments

Seven scraps of wrapping paper

Six yards of soggy ribbon

Five chewed-up stockings

Four broken window candles

Three punctured ornaments

Two leaking bubble lights

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the ninth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me

My wreath in nine pieces

Eight tiny reindeer fragments

Seven scraps of wrapping paper

Six yards of soggy ribbon

Five chewed-up stockings

Four broken window candles

Three punctured ornaments

Two leaking bubble lights

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

What Every Man Wants for Christmas

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found here

Santa's Secret Wish

On Christmas Eve, a young boy with light in his eyes

Looked deep into Santa's, to Santa's surprise

And said as he sat on Santa's broad knee,

"I want your secret. Tell it to me."

He leaned up and whispered in Santa's good ear

"How do you do it year after year?"

"I want to know how, as you travel about,

Giving gifts here and there, you never run out.

How is it Dear Santa, that in your pack of toys

You have plenty for all of the world's girls and boys?

Stays so full, never empties, as you make your way

From rooftop to rooftop, to homes large and small,

From nation to nation, reaching them all?"

And Santa smiled kindly and said to the boy,

"Don't ask me hard questions. Don't you want a toy?"

But the child shook his head, and Santa could see

That he needed the answer. "Now listen to me,"

He told that small boy with the light in his eyes,

"My secret will make you sadder and wise.

"The truth is that my sack is magic inside

It holds millions of toys for my Christmas Eve ride.

But although I do visit each girl and each boy

I don't always leave them a gaily wrapped toy

Some homes are hungry, some homes are sad,

Some homes are desperate, some homes are bad.

"Some homes are broken, and the children there grieve.

Those homes I visit, but what should I leave?

My sleigh is filled with the happiest stuff,

But for homes where despair lives toys aren't enough.

"So I tiptoe in, kiss each girl and boy,

And I pray with them that they'll be given the joy

Of the spirit of Christmas, the spirit that lives

In the heart of the dear child who gets not, but gives.

"If only God hears me and answers my prayer,

When I visit next year, what I will find there

Are homes filled with peace, and with giving, and love

And boys and girls gifted with light from above.

"It's a very hard task, my smart little brother,

to give toys to some, and to give prayers to others.

But the prayers are the best gifts, the best gifts indeed,

For God has a way of meeting each need.

That's part of the answer. The rest, my dear youth,

is that my sack is magic. And that is the truth.

"In my sack I carry on Christmas Eve Day

More love than a Santa could e'er give away.

The sack never empties of love, or of joys

Cause inside it are prayers, and hope. Not just toys

The more that I give, the fuller it seems,

Because giving is my way of fulfilling dreams.

"And do you know something? You've got a sack, too.

It's as magic as mine, and it's inside of you.

It never gets empty, it's full from the start.

It's the center of lights, and love. It's your heart

And if on this Christmas you want to help me,

Don't be so concerned with the gifts 'neath your tree.

Open that sack called your heart and share

Your joy, your friendship, your wealth, your care."

The light in the small boy's eyes was glowing.

"Thanks for your secret. I've got to be going."

"Wait, little boy," Said Santa, "don't go.

Will you share? Will you help? Will you use what you know?"

And just for a moment the small boy stood still,

Touched his heart with his small hand and whispered, "I will."

Marvelous Innocence

It was the day AFTER Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking at the manger scene, when he noticed that the baby Jesus figure was missing from the cradle.

He immediately turned and went outside, and saw a little boy with a red wagon walking down the street. And in the wagon, was the figure of the infant Jesus.

So he walked up to the boy and said, "Son, where did you get that little baby Jesus that's in your wagon?"

The little boy smiled and replied, "I got him from the church."

"And why did you take him?" asked the pastor.

The little boy replied, "Well, about a week before Christmas, I prayed and I told Jesus if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride in it!"

A Puppy's 12 Days of Christmas

By Elise Lewis

On the first day of Christmas my puppy gave to me

The Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the second day of Christmas my puppy gave to me

Two leaking bubble lights

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the third day of Christmas my puppy gave to me

Three punctured ornaments

Two leaking bubble lights

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the fourth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me

Four broken window candles

Three punctured ornaments

Two leaking bubble lights

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the fifth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me

Five chewed-up stockings

Four broken window candles

Three punctured ornaments

Two leaking bubble lights

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the sixth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me

Six yards of soggy ribbon

Five chewed-up stockings

Four broken window candles

Three punctured ornaments

Two leaking bubble lights

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the seventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me

Seven scraps of wrapping paper

Six yards of soggy ribbon

Five chewed-up stockings

Four broken window candles

Three punctured ornaments

Two leaking bubble lights

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the eighth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me

Eight tiny reindeer fragments

Seven scraps of wrapping paper

Six yards of soggy ribbon

Five chewed-up stockings

Four broken window candles

Three punctured ornaments

Two leaking bubble lights

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

My Christmas Card to you...

Today...I wish you a day of ordinary miracles

A fresh pot of coffee you didn't have to make yourself

An unexpected phone call from an old friend.

Green stoplights on your way to work or shop

I wish you a day of little things to rejoice in...

The fastest line at the grocery store

A good sing along song on the radio

Your keys right where you look

I wish you a day of happiness and perfection-little bite-size pieces of perfection that give you the funny feeling that the Lord is smiling on you,

Holding you so gently because you are someone special and rare

I wish You a day of Peace, Happiness and Joy.

Jasper and the Unbaked Yeast Rolls

We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper. He came to us in the summer of 2001 from the fox terrier rescue program. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this type of adoption, imagine taking in a 10-year-old child you know nothing about and committing to doing your best to be a good parent.

Five weeks ago we began remodeling our house. Although the cost of the project was downright obnoxious, it was 20 years overdue AND it got me out of cooking Thanksgiving dinner for family, extended family, and a lot of friends that I like more than family most of the time.

I was assigned the task of preparing 124 of my famous yeast dinner rolls for the two Thanksgiving feasts we did attend.

I am still mad at the electrician for getting the new oven hooked up so quickly. It was the only appliance in the whole house that worked, thus the assignment.

I made the decision to cook the rolls on Wednesday evening and to reheat Thursday morning. Since the kitchen was freshly painted, you can imagine the odor. Not wanting the rolls to smell like Sherwin Williams latex paint #586, I put the rolls on baking sheets and set them in the living room to rise for five hours.

After three hours, Perry and I decided to go out to eat, returning about an hour later. An hour after that, the rolls were ready to go into the oven.

It was 8:30 p.m. When I went to the living room to retrieve the pans, much to my shock, one whole pan of 12 rolls was empty. I called out to Jasper, and my worst nightmare became a reality. He literally wobbled over to me. He looked like a combination of the Pillsbury dough boy and the Michelin Tire man wrapped up in fur. He groaned when he walked. Even his cheeks were bloated.

I ran to the phone and called our vet. After a few seconds of uproarious laughter, he told me the dog would probably be OK; however, I needed to give him Pepto Bismol every two hours for the rest of the night.

Who knows why I thought a dog would like Pepto Bismol any more than my kids did when they were sick. Suffice it to say that by the time we went to bed, the dog was black, white, and pink. He was so bloated we had to lift him onto the bed for the night.

Naively thinking the dog would be all better by morning was very stupid on my part.

We arose at 7:30 and as we always do first thing, we put the dog out to take care of his business. Well, the dog was as drunk as a sailor on his first leave. He was running into walls, falling flat on his rear. Most of the time when he was walking, his front half was going one direction and the other half was either dragging the grass or headed 90 degrees in another direction. When he ran down the small incline in our back yard, he couldn't stop himself and nearly ended up running into the fence.

His pupils were dilated and he was as dizzy as a loon. I endured another few seconds of laughter from the vet (second call within 12 hours) before he explained that the yeast had fermented in his belly and that he was indeed drunk.

He assured me that, not unlike most binges we humans go through, it would wear off after about four or five hours. He then told me to keep giving the dog Pepto Bismol.

Afraid to leave Jasper by himself in the house, Perry and I loaded him up and took him with us to my sister's house for the first Thanksgiving meal of the day.

My sister lives outside of Muskogee on a ranch (a 10- to 15-minute drive). Rolls firmly secured in the trunk (124 less 12) and drunk dog leaning from the back seat onto the console of the car between Perry and me, we took off.

Now I know you probably don't believe that dogs burp, but believe me when I say that after eating a tray of risen unbaked yeast rolls, DOGS WILL BURP. These burps were pure Old Charter. They would have matched or beat any smell in a drunk tank at the police station. But that's not the worst of it.

Now he was beginning to pass gas and it smelled like baked rolls. We endured this for the entire trip to Karen's. We were thankful she didn't live any farther away than she did.

Once Jasper was firmly placed in my sister's garage with the door locked, we finally sat down to enjoy our first Thanksgiving meal of the day. The dog was the topic of conversation all morning long and everyone made trips to the garage to witness my drunken dog, each returning with a tale of Jasper's latest endeavor to walk without running into something. Of course, as the old adage goes, "What goes in must come out," and Jasper was no exception.

Granted if it had been me that had eaten 12 risen, unbaked yeast rolls, you might as well have put a concrete block up my behind, but alas a dog's digestive system is quite different from yours or mine. I discovered this was a mixed blessing when we prepared to leave Karen's house.

Having discovered his "packages" on the garage floor, we loaded him up in the car so we could hose down the floor.

This was another naive decision on our part. The blast of water from the hose hit the poop on the floor, and the poop on the floor withstood the blast from the hose. It was like Portland cement beginning to set up and cure.

We finally tried to remove it with a shovel. I (obviously no one else was going to offer their services) had to get on my hands and knees with a coarse brush to get the remnants off of the floor. And as if this wasn't degrading enough, the dog in his drunken state had walked through the poop and left paw prints all over the garage floor that had to be brushed too.

Well, by this time the dog was sobering up nicely, so we took him home and dropped him off before we left for our second Thanksgiving dinner at Perry's sister's house.

I am happy to report that as of today (Monday) the dog is back to normal, both in size and temperament. He has had a bath and is no longer tricolor. None the worse for wear, I presume. I am also happy to report that just this evening I found two risen unbaked yeast rolls hidden inside my closet door.

It appears he must have come to his senses after eating ten of them but decided hiding two of them for later would not be a bad idea. Now, I'm doing research on the computer: "How to clean unbaked dough from the carpet."

And how was your day?

A Puppy's 12 Days of Christmas

By Elise Lewis

On the first day of Christmas my puppy gave to me

The Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the second day of Christmas my puppy gave to me

Two leaking bubble lights

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the third day of Christmas my puppy gave to me

Three punctured ornaments

Two leaking bubble lights

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the fourth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me

Four broken window candles

Three punctured ornaments

Two leaking bubble lights

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the fifth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me

Five chewed-up stockings

Four broken window candles

Three punctured ornaments

Two leaking bubble lights

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the sixth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me

Six yards of soggy ribbon

Five chewed-up stockings

Four broken window candles

Three punctured ornaments

Two leaking bubble lights

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the seventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me

Seven scraps of wrapping paper

Six yards of soggy ribbon

Five chewed-up stockings

Four broken window candles

Three punctured ornaments

Two leaking bubble lights

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

Twas the month before Christmas

When all through our land,

Not a Christian was praying

Nor taking a stand.

See the PC Police had taken away,

The reason for Christmas - no one could say.

The children were told by their schools not to sing,

About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.

It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say

 December 25th is just a 'Holiday'.

Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit

Pushing folks down to the floor just to get it!

CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-pod

Something was changing, something quite odd! 

Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa

In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.

As Targets were hanging their trees upside down

 At Lowe's the word Christmas - was no where to be found.

At K-Mart and Staples and Penny's and Sears

You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.

Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-si-ty

Are words that were used to intimidate me.

Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen

On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton!

At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter

To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.

And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith

 Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace

The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded

The reason for the season, stopped before it started.

So as you celebrate 'Winter Break' under your 'Dream Tree'

Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.

Choose your words carefully, choose what you say

Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS, not Happy Holiday!

Please, all Christians join together and wish everyone you meet during the holidays a MERRY CHRISTMAS

Christ is 'The Reason' for the Christmas Season!

A Puppy's 12 Days of Christmas

By Elise Lewis

On the first day of Christmas my puppy gave to me

The Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the second day of Christmas my puppy gave to me

Two leaking bubble lights

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the third day of Christmas my puppy gave to me

Three punctured ornaments

Two leaking bubble lights

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the fourth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me

Four broken window candles

Three punctured ornaments

Two leaking bubble lights

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the fifth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me

Five chewed-up stockings

Four broken window candles

Three punctured ornaments

Two leaking bubble lights

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the sixth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me

Six yards of soggy ribbon

Five chewed-up stockings

Four broken window candles

Three punctured ornaments

Two leaking bubble lights

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

Twas the Night before a Redneck Christmas

Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the shack
Not a creature was stirrin', cept the lice on muh back.
The Skoal cans wuz nailed to the screen door with care,
With hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were sleepin', all snug in their beds,
While visions of tractor pulls danced in their heads.
And Ma in her nightgown all stained with pound cake.
Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake.

When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard,
I opened the winder to check muh T-bird.
I ran to the door, like I's on a mission,
But I tripped on some parts from muh granny's transmission.

The moon shone outside, the hound dog wuz barkin'.
Muh daughter weren't home yet, she wuz still out parkin'.

When what to muh whiskey blind eyes should I see
But a Chevy S-10, pulled by eight flyin' sheep.
With a fat nasty driver, so disgustin' and sick
I said, "Shoot Fire! That must be St. Nick!

More rapid than X-lax his wooly sheep came
And he belched and he hollered, and he called 'em by name.
Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now LESTER and ENUS!
On FESTUS!? On ELMER!? On ROSCOE and CLETUS!

From the top of the shack to them there garbage bins
Now Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash Away youins!

I heard a loud sound on the roof of muh shack.
Pud down muh beer and went fer muh gun rack.
He fell through the roof, plum killed my dog,
I swear that ole' Santa looked just like Boss Hog.

He wore a T-shirt, rebel flag on the front,
And his jeans were all bloody from that morning's hunt.
A big nekkid lady tattooed on his arm,
And he wore black boots that he'd picked up in 'Nam.

His eyes, how they glazed from too much Wild Turkey.
From the side of his mouth hung a stick of beef jerky.
A scar on his cheek from a fight with the cops.
The veins on his face looked ready to pop.

The butt of a Marlboro clung to his lip
He wore a hip pack full of B-B-Q chips.
He had a fat face and a hairy beer belly.
I ain't seen one that big since muh ex-wife Shelly.

He was gap-toothed and dumb with an I.Q. of three
And I laughed cause that redneck was smarter than me.
A wink of his eye, a fierce shake of his head,
From his hair came a rat that ran under the bed.

He reached in his sack, sipped his gin and tonic,
Then filled the kid's stockings with Hooked on Phonics.
His toys came from Big Lots and they weren't very nice
But he had lots of them and yuh can't beat the price.

He gave us a tape of them hound dogs that sing Jingle Bells.
Some Crisco, some Spam, some Oatmeal Cream pies,
And a Nascar T-shirt in Double X size.

When the presents were gone and he had no more,
He staggered and stumbled right through muh screen door.

He hopped in his truck, to his sheep gave an order
"Hurry up youins! To the Tennessee border!"
And I heard him cry out, with a strong southern drawl,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS, YOU REDNECKS! MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL... YEE HAWWWW!

A Tale Of Two Churches
By Doug Patton
December 16, 2008

This is a tale of two American churches. One is in a major city. The other is in a small town. One preaches hatred of America and its institutions. The other preaches love and patriotism. One is infected with a toxic dogma known as Black Liberation Theology. The other espouses the Gospel of Jesus Christ. One was just firebombed. Guess which one.

Barack Obama spent twenty years sitting in the pews of the Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago, listening to some of the foulest teaching ever to come from the mouth of a "preacher." That preacher was a poison-tongued demagogue named Jeremiah Wright, who has spewed racist lies and hateful conspiracies from his pulpit during his entire career.

Meanwhile, in Wasilla, Alaska, an evangelical church, attended by Gov. Sarah Palin and her family, teaches the true meaning of Christ's message to His church and to a fallen world.

On Friday, Dec. 12, the Wasilla Bible Church was firebombed. Authorities said the fire started at the main entrance of the church and that they are investigating the blaze as arson. They estimated the damage at $1 million. No one was injured, although a small group, which included children, was inside at the time.

The Wasilla congregation gathered for their services at a local middle school the Sunday following the fire. The statements of the members and their pastors, as reported by the Associated Press, are telling:

Patsy Inks said the news initially shocked and frustrated her. But by Sunday, she was feeling blessed, she said at the school, where worshippers lingered over a potluck dinner for a church family leaving Alaska. "This tragedy has brought us all together," Inks said, her eyes tearing up.

The congregation realizes the church is more than the building, said John Doak, associate pastor at Wasilla Bible Church. "The definition of the church is the body of Christ, made up of God's people," Doak said. "The church is still there. We are the church."

Gov. Palin, who was not at the church at the time of the fire, stopped by Saturday. She reportedly told an assistant pastor she was sorry if the fire was connected to the "undeserved negative attention" the church has received since she became the vice presidential candidate on Aug. 29.

According to AP, worshippers acknowledged the possible Palin connection with the fire, but more in a "gee, maybe" sort of way, said Rob Tracy, a member of the church. But people are speculating about other motives.

"It's just as likely to be some troubled person who has a beef with God," Tracy said.

"Or some local punks," Doak said.

The AP seemed to offer a different motive for the attack:

"After Palin was named John McCain's running mate, the evangelical church was the subject of intense scrutiny. Early in her campaign, Palin's church was criticized for promoting in a Sunday bulletin a Focus on the Family 'Love Won Out' conference in Anchorage. The conference promised to 'help men and women dissatisfied with living homosexually understand that same-sex attractions can be overcome.'"

So let me see if I have this straight. The media fell all over itself during the Obama campaign avoiding an in-depth look at the vitriol flowing like a river of vomit out of Wright's Chicago church. Yet, when Sarah Palin was named as John McCain's choice for vice president, every major news outlet in the country put reporters on planes to Alaska to "investigate" this woman's strange church. And now that this same church has been burned -- an act that would surely be hailed as a "hate crime" had it happened at Obama's church -- we are told that a ministry to help homosexuals who want to leave their deviant lifestyle may be the reason for the attack.

Meanwhile, the loving, forgiving members of the Wasilla Bible Church are turning the other cheek after their church has just been burned to the ground. Can you imagine Jeremiah Wright and his ilk having such a reaction had it been the Trinity United Church of Christ that was attacked?

---

Doug Patton is a freelance columnist who has served as a political speechwriter and public policy advisor. His weekly columns are published in newspapers across the country and on selected Internet web sites, including Human Events Online and GOPUSA.com, where he is a senior writer and state editor. Readers may e-mail him at dougpatton@cox.net.

A Puppy's 12 Days of Christmas

By Elise Lewis

On the first day of Christmas my puppy gave to me

The Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the second day of Christmas my puppy gave to me

Two leaking bubble lights

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the third day of Christmas my puppy gave to me

Three punctured ornaments

Two leaking bubble lights

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the fourth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me

Four broken window candles

Three punctured ornaments

Two leaking bubble lights

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the fifth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me

Five chewed-up stockings

Four broken window candles

Three punctured ornaments

Two leaking bubble lights

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

Twas A Maxine Christmas
(Author Unknown )

'Twas the night before Christmas

And all through the house...

Not a creature was stirring

Since the cat ate the mouse.

My support hose were hung

By the chimney with care.

(I hung them last Christmas

And just left them there.)

My dog, Floyd, was nestled

All snug in his bed,

After watching the cat rip

The presents to shreds.

And I in my long johns

And ratty night cap

Had just settled my butt

For a long winter's nap.

When out on the lawn

There arose such a clatter,

I swore at the window,

"What the (blank) is the matter?"

I tore open the window,

Not a second to tarry,

All ready to throw

The noisemaker a berry.

A bright moon was lighting

The new-fallen snow...

And I had a moon of my own

Set to show.

Floyd was beside me,

Paw pointing the way

Toward eight tiny reindeer

Hitched up to a sleigh...

And a little old driver

So cheery and quick,

I thought for a moment

That I would be sick.

Like a bat out of...you know,

His reindeer they came,

And I whistled and shouted

And called them some names--

"Hey, Hornhead! Hey, Furface!

Hey, Weiner and Turkey!

Yo, Klutzy and Mangy

And Venison Jerky!

Stay off of my porch!

Get away from my wall!

Now hit the road, hit the road,

Hit the road, all!

But as pedestrians before

My old Buick , they fly

And head for high ground

With great fear in their eyes.

So up to my rooftop

The fleabags they flew,

With a sleigh full of toys

And old Fruitcake - Breath too.

And then, in a twinkling,

I heard on the roof

Holes in my new shingles

Made by each tiny hoof.

As I reached for my slingshot

And a marble as well,

Down the chimney St. Nicholas

Tumbled and fell.

He had a huge sack of

Cheap junk on his back

And I whispered to Floyd,

"Be prepared to attack."

His eyes they were squinting,

His toy bag was draggin',

And I felt for a moment

Like I'd soon be gaggin'.

He was dressed all in red.

With a bell on his hat.

And a belt of black leather

To hold back the fat.

A billowing pipe

He clenched tight in his smile,

And the smell was like something

Had been dead for awhile.

He had a broad face

And a little round belly

That shook when I nailed him

With a handful of jelly.

He was chubby and plump,

Well, actually porky,

And I laughed when I tripped him

(He looked pretty dorky).

He was like a beached whale

Unable to budge.

And he tasted good , too,

If the dog was a judge.

I spoke not a word

But went straight to my work--

A noogie, a wedgie,

A cry of "You jerk!"

Until laying a finger

Aside of his nose,

With a loud cry of "Uncle!"

Up the chimney he rose.

He sprang to the sleigh

And dragged in the toys,

Then he cried to the reindeer,

"Get me out of here, Boys!"

And I had to exclaim

As a slushball I tossed,

"Happy Christmas to all,

And to all a Get Lost!"

But then, as I turned,I saw 'neath the tree

Two gaily wrapped presents--

One for Floyd, one for me.

A big bag of jerky

Turned Floyd mighty chipper,

While for me was a pair

Of brand-new bunny slippers.

I looked out the window,

And hovering there,

Old Santa was winking

From his sleigh in midair...

"Merry Christmas, Maxine!"

He cried, full of cheer,"

Same to you, Pal!" I answered,

("I'll get you next year!")