Saturday, July 16, 2011

How Dry Is It In Texas?

A buddy out of Longview said he'd killed a mosquito that was carrying a canteen.

A man in Dime Box said the chicken farmers were giving the chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

In Lake Palestine they caught a 20 lb catfish that had ticks on it!

But just this week, in Bryan a fire hydrant was seen bribing a dog.

It's so dry in Texas that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.

Now THAT's Dry!

Friday, July 15, 2011

Mama's Bible

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built
in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well.

Well, I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can
recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him.

I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the
church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.

She wrote:

"Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room,
but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my
groceries delivered, so never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

Luv Ya,

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Obama went jogging one morning and came upon the Washington monument. He said, “George, what should I do?” After a few seconds George replied, “Abolish the IRS and start over.” Obama thought about this for a few seconds and continued jogging.

Shortly he came upon the Jefferson Memorial and stopped. He said “Tom, what should I do?” After a few seconds Tom replied, “Abolish welfare and start over.”

Obama continued jogging after thinking about this and came upon the Lincoln Memorial. He said, “Abe, what should I do?” After a few seconds Abe replied, “Why don’t you take the night off and go to the theater?”

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

A sixty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?, What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care, I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old".

The husband said, "What did he say about your Sixty-eight year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied