Finally, Something FedEx and UPS Can Agree On

by Chuck Muth

November 25, 2009

In a column published in the October 2009 issue of Reason magazine, Veronique de Rugy writes:

"Imagine two competing pizza delivery companies that are identical in every way except their delivery methods. Pizza Company A delivers its pizza by car and Pizza Company B delivers its pizza by bike. Now imagine that the government has completely different labor laws for pizza parlors with cars and pizza parlors with bicycles. The result is much larger labor costs for Company B than Company A. Is that fair?"

Well, of course not. Yet that is exactly how the government is currently treating FedEx Express and UPS package delivery drivers.

FedEx, which enjoys a competitive advantage because of this unfairness, wants to keep things exactly as they are. UPS, which is getting screwed in the deal, wants the situation fixed. Who can blame them?

You see, FedEx Express drivers fall under the Railway Labor Act because when the company was founded it was primarily an overnight airline service. The Railway Labor Act makes it far more difficult for workers to form a union.

UPS drivers are covered under the National Labor Relations Act because when the company was founded it was primarily a long-distance trucking company. Its drivers are represented by the Teamsters union.

Over the last decade or so, however, both companies have expanded into the same market in the air/ground express delivery business. FedEx Express now has a fleet of ground delivery drivers and UPS now has a fleet of airplanes.

So unlike the two hypothetical pizza delivery drivers Ms. de Rugy references in her column, the express delivery drivers for both FedEx and UPS now deliver packages in the same manner and should now be covered under the same labor law. As UPS has been saying all along, a driver is a driver is a driver.

With that principle of equal protection under the law in mind, UPS is supporting an amendment in the pending Federal Aviation Administration reauthorization bill which would place FedEx Express drivers under the same labor law as UPS's express drivers.

In other words, leveling the playing field.

After all, FedEx Express uses its special legal status to frighten prospective customers, selling them on the notion that FedEx is more dependable because they are non-union and, therefore, not subject to labor unrest or strikes like its competitor, UPS.

Indeed, FedEx Express is even using its protected non-union status as a selling point in its PR campaign against the current law change with Congress.

Understandably, conservatives and Republicans (not necessarily the same thing) have asked "Why not put UPS under the RLA instead of putting FedEx Express under the NRLA?" Good question.

Short answer: They tried.

"In 1993," de Rugy writes, "UPS argued to the NRL Board that all of its activities, 'including ground operations,' should be subject to the RLA 'because the ground operations are part of the air service.'"

And while, according to columnist George Will, "FedEx supported UPS's efforts" publicly, some suspect that FedEx founder Fred Smith actually has used his considerable lobbying power and extensive congressional relationships to scuttle any such effort behind the scenes.

In any event, de Rugy notes that UPS's request "was denied, opening the path to today's battle."

So you see, UPS tried to get the government to treat its express delivery drivers in the same favorable manner as it treats FedEx's express delivery drivers. But because Congress refused, UPS now has little choice but to support legislative efforts to level the playing field by getting Congress to treat FedEx's express delivery drivers in the same unfavorable manner as the law treats UPS's express delivery drivers.

Equal protection under the law. A driver is a driver is a driver.

Ms. de Rugy, however, thinks UPS should "continue pushing for reclassification, or just competing fair and square under current law."

But that's exactly the point. Current law does NOT treat UPS "fair and square." Current law gives FedEx Express a significant competitive marketing advantage - and there's no way on God's green earth that today's Democrat-controlled White House and Congress are going to reclassify UPS under the RLA.

Ain't.gonna.happen.

The ideal solution, of course, would be to scrap the Industrial Revolution-era NLRA set of labor laws entirely, as well as the RLA, and start from scratch developing a new set of labor laws which would better reflect the modern day era's high-tech and service-oriented workforce. But that makes too much sense, so don't hold your breath waiting.

Plus, Congress has a health care system to ruin. Priorities, you know.

In any event, don't blame UPS for this mess. Blame the government. That should be something UPS and FedEx can both agree on.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

B.O. LOSING HIS LUSTER

"A surprising thing I observe among loyal Democrats in informal settings and conversations: No one loves Barack Obama. Half the American people say they support him, and Democrats are still with him. But there were Bill Clinton supporters who really loved him. George W. Bush had people who loved him. A lot of people loved Jack Kennedy and Ronald Reagan. But no one seems to love Mr. Obama now; they're not dazzled and head over heels. That's gone away."

Columnist Peggy Noonan

ANOTHER BROKEN PROMISE

"If elected, he said he would change the way business is done in Washington, end the partisan deadlock and the ideological polarization...Washington is more partisan than ever, and more polarized. Even on a purely procedural vote to begin Senate debate on health-care reform this past Saturday, every Democrat voted one way (yes), every Republican the other (no)."

- Columnist Fred Barnes

OBAMA-CARE LESS POPULAR THAN HILLARY-CARE

"A Washington Post-ABC poll found that 52% of the public believes ObamaCare will increase their personal health costs and that 37% expect their quality of care will deteriorate. They're right. A survey of registered voters by Public Opinion Strategies found that the more people hear about the plan, the less they like it, and that voter hostility is higher now than it ever was for HillaryCare."

- Wall Street Journal editorial

WALKING ALL OVER B.O.

"Brazil, Japan, China, Russia and Israel are all countries with their own national interests that do not necessarily comport with those of the United States. All have come to see Obama as a diffident, dithering, doubting dilettante who can be dissed with impunity. And none of these nations is going to sacrifice what it considers critical to win a smile from Barack Obama.

"Multilateralism and globalism are on the way out. Unilateralism and nationalism are on the way in. As other countries look out for their national interests first, why do we not do the same? If we Americans will not put America first, who will?"

- Columnist Patrick Buchanan

ESTABLISHMENT GOP VS. TEA PARTIERS IN FL

"Former state House Speaker Marco Rubio is a conservative darling and the face of a possible new generation of Republicans. He's 38, the son of Cuban immigrants and a strong retail politician. His campaign to take the seat formerly held by Republican Sen. Mel Martinez has generated national excitement on the right.

"On the other side of this matchup is 57-year-old Gov. Charlie Crist -- an old-school Republican whose rush to the middle after Barack Obama won the presidency -- and Florida's 27 electoral votes -- is now causing him heartburn.

"The Crist-Rubio race will be a proxy battle between the Republican establishment and the tea-party insurgency. The Senate campaign wing of the national party is backing Crist and conservative, libertarian groups like the Club for Growth are backing Rubio."

- Chris Stirewalt, Washington Examiner, 11/2/09

See more at Nevada News and Views

The Joke's on the Congressman

A Yankee Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane leaving from Atlanta when he turned to her and said,"'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming or universal health care", and he smiles smugly.

OK, she said. "Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know shit?"

NY Times Blows The Whistle On Drug Industry's Dirty Tricks

Posted by: Dr. Mercola

November 26 2009 | 83,589 views

As a sobering example of how members of Congress can be spoon-fed the views and even the exact words of high-powered lobbying firms, consider remarks inserted into the Congressional Record after the debate and vote on health care reform in the House.

Statements by more than a dozen lawmakers were ghostwritten, in whole or in part, by Washington lobbyists working for Genentech, one of the world’s largest biotechnology companies.

E-mail messages obtained by The New York Timesshow that the lobbyists drafted one statement for Democrats and another for Republicans.

The lobbyists, employed by Genentech and by two Washington law firms, were remarkably successful in getting the statements printed in the Congressional Record under the names of different members of Congress.

The apparent goal was to show that, even though there were sharp divisions between the parties on the overall reform bill (only one Republican voted for it), there was bipartisan support for provisions relating to drugs produced by the biotechnology industry. One provision, for example, would allow generic competition to expensive biological drugs but only after the original manufacturer had enjoyed 12 years of exclusive use, a generous period by anyone’s standards.

Asked about the Congressional statements, a lobbyist close to Genentech said: “This happens all the time. There was nothing nefarious about it.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There may be nothing "nefarious" about allowing a lobbyist to write words for you, but I'm not sure I like that someone with a very specific interest in health care "reform" is putting words into my employees mouths. Yes, I'm referring to Congress as my employees, specifically the three that represent MY interests. You should be concerned about your employees as well.

I expect my employees to be able to think and talk for themselves and if they can't, and rely on a lobbyist to tell them what to say, then I have to wonder just what the heck am I paying them for?

Class - You either have it or you don't

A Funny Thing, The English Language

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

FairTax on Twitter

It's FairTax Friday - look at your paystub!

How does the Presidents stimulus stack up to the FairTax? See for yourself!

http://bit.ly/RvtOd

Fairtax.org

MSNBC Exclusive: Fort Hood Never Happened!

by Ann Coulter (more by this author)

Posted 11/25/2009 ET

Updated 11/25/2009 ET

It's been weeks since eyewitnesses reported that Maj. Nidal Hasan shouted "Allahu akbar" before spraying Fort Hood with gunfire, killing 13 people.

Since then we also learned that Hasan gave a medical lecture on beheading infidels and pouring burning oil down their throats (unfortunately not covered under the Senate health care bill). Some wondered if perhaps a pattern was beginning to emerge but were promptly dismissed as racist cranks.

We also found out Hasan had business cards printed up with the jihadist abbreviation "SOA" for "Soldier of Allah." Was that enough to conclude that the shooting was an act of terrorism -- or does somebody around here need to take another cultural sensitivity class?

And we know that Hasan had contacted several jihadist Web sites and that he had been exchanging e-mails with a radical Islamic cleric in Yemen. The FBI learned that last December, but the rest of us only found out about it a week ago.

Is it still too soon to come to the conclusion that the Fort Hood shooting was an act of terrorism?

Alas, it is still too early to tell at MSNBC. For Keith Olbermann, Rachel Maddow and Chris Matthews -- at least two of whom would be severely punished under Shariah law -- the shooting of George Tiller was an act of terrorism, no question. The death of a census taker in Kentucky was also an act of terrorism. (We learned this week that it was a suicide/insurance scam.) But as to Maj. Hasan, the jury is still out -- and will be out for many, many years.

Actually, according to Keith, the Fort Hood massacre may not have happened at all. He has argued persuasively, on several occasions, that it is impossible, literally impossible, to commit mass murder at a military base. (has someone told the 13 dead that they may not have died after all?)

Like many on the left, Keith loved to sneer at all terrorist plots allegedly foiled by the Bush administration. He was particularly contemptuous of the purported plan of six aspiring jihadists to sneak onto the Fort Dix army base and kill as many soldiers as they could.

On Nov. 11, 2008, he explained why the Fort Dix terrorist plot was a laughable fraud, saying the "morons" apparently didn't realize that "all the soldiers have these big guns." (Kitten is wondering just which morons Olberman is referring to. Perhaps he's talking in third person?)

Keith, the moron, apparently doesn't realize that on military bases on U.S. soil only MPs have guns. (Special authorization is required for soldiers to carry a firearm, which can be granted only in the case of a specific and credible threat against military personnel in that region. Thank you, Bill Clinton.)

Again on May 21 this year, Olbermann ridiculed the Fort Dix terror plot, pointing out that the six alleged terrorists seemed to be "forgetting that every man there was armed."(Curiously, even though ROTC was offered at the ag school Keith attended, he appears not to have investigated it.)

But it was not until Aug. 21 of this year that Olbermann hit upon the true reason for the Bush administration's hyping of this implausible terror plot. According to Keith -- and I'm not kidding -- it was to distract from Kansas Gov. Kathleen Sebelius' announcement that her state had been unable to respond adequately to a tornado because Bush had diverted the National Guard to his crazy war in Iraq!

The Bush administration, you see, had revealed the arrest of the Fort Dix conspirators the day after Sebelius' world-reverberating bombshell about Kansas' decimated National Guard! Eureka!

This little theory of Keith's, adorable though it is, has problems apart from his insistence that it would be impossible to kill army personnel on "a closed compound full of trained soldiers with weapons." The other problem is Gov. Sebelius was full of crap.

First, Sebelius wasn't in much of a position to know how well Kansas responded to the tornado, inasmuch as she had been partying at New Orleans' Jazzfest the day after the tornado hit -- while Kansas Sen. Pat Roberts and both local congressmen were on the scene, helping the rescue efforts.

Second, the manager of the actual rescue team soon contradicted Sebelius, saying: "We have all the staff that we need and can manage at this time. If we had more people right now, it would just start being a cluster."

The Kansas National Guard had 352 Humvees, 72 dump trucks and more than 320 other trucks, which would seem to be sufficient for the town hit by the tornado, Greensburg, Kan., population 1,574. That's almost one National Guard truck for every two people. (This is the same tornado that Obama claimed had killed 10,000 people. He was off by 9,988.)

Third, it turned out that Gov. Sebelius had rejected offers of additional help from neighboring National Guard units. (Note: doesn't this tickle your memory of Hurricane Katrina? Didn't the governor whose name escapes me at the moment, and Mayor Nagin (I wish I could forget him!) fail to request aid both before and after Katrina struck? I have memories of hundreds of school buses that could have been used to transport residents out of NO before the storm, sitting under water. Okay, maybe not mirror image examples, but clearly someone is pointing fingers trying to play the blame someone else game).

Consequently, the day after her dramatic cri de coeur for more National Guard resources, Sebelius' office completely reversed course, telling The Associated Press that the rescue efforts were going "just fine."

What the governor had meant, her office explained, was that Kansas' National Guard might be stretched thin if, hypothetically, another natural disaster were to strike immediately after the tornado.

Keith, unfortunately, was unaware of Sebelius' humiliating about-face, as it was not carried on Daily Kos.

Last December, five of the Fort Dix plotters were found guilty by a federal jury of conspiring to kill American soldiers. The sixth had already pleaded guilty.

Still, compare the macho posturing of the Bush administration over thwarting the Fort Dix terror plot to the masterful handling of domestic terrorist plots since the angel Obama has taken the helm. Why, the Obama administration managed to capture and arrest Maj. Hasan without violating a single American's civil liberties!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm not personally convinced Fort Hood was an "act of terrorism" except that I'm sure there were people who were terrified, and in fear of their lives at the time. But, other than Major Hasan being classified as a mass murderer, I'm not sure how to describe it. Act of Terrorism? Simple case of mass murder?

Since I don't know what the "official" definition of "act of terrorism" might be, I have to use my own references. When I think of and "act of terrorism", I think first of 9/11. This was a group effort masterminded with the expressed intent of bringing down the United States, or as close as possible. I believe "terrorists" would go after any target, military or civilian, with little regard as to who might be harmed or killed. Remember, 9/11 targeted both military and civilian buildings. This wasn't in retaliation for military aggression; these terrorists just didn't care who was killed. The object was to kill Americans.

I think Hasan had issues with the Army and Army personnel. We know that he had gotten poor performance reviews. He was unhappy with his pending deployment to Afghanistan. I believe he had requested not to go to the Mid-East because he didn't want to fight other Muslims. I really can't fault him for that. Asian Americans faced that during WWII, the Korean War, Vietnam. German Americans and Italian Americans also faced that situation in Europe during WWI, and WWII. They could be fighting and killing relatives.

He was turned down and deployment was imminent. As a psychiatrist, the chances of him seeing actual combat were slim. He would probably have been assigned to a medical unit or facility so that he would be able to treat military personnel for mental health issues (a very broad range from the "blues" to catatonic and disassociative disorders and probably others. I'm not in the mental health field, and I don't even play one on TV, so I might be using labels I know little about).

And I'm not too awfully sure that this might not have been a case of "suicide by cop", or MP, or other military personnel. If I remember correctly, Hasan purchased the gun which was used during this massacre. It wasn't an issued sidearm or other "big gun" as Olberman described being on military bases. So, while addressing his issues against the Army and Army personnel, was he hoping that an MP would do the job that he couldn't do? Kill himself?

Sure, it's terrifying to be in a situation such as Fort Hood. I hope I never experience anything remotely like it. I'm wondering if because of our current focus on terrorism, the media isn't labeling events that might once have been reported as a "simple" mass murder as terroristic acts just for the sensationalism.

After all, an "act of terror" surely will draw more readers, listeners, and viewers than a plain old, garden variety mass murder would.

Happy Thanksgiving!

May your stuffing be tasty,

May your turkey be plump,

May your potatoes and gravy

Never have a lump.

May your yams be delicious,

And your pies take the prize,

and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!

What the Heck Happened??

Sadly, this is too true to be funny,

The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of it's releases.

A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

E. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain...let's take a look at New Orleans...

It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.

Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D) is presently askingCongress for 250 BILLION DOLLARS to rebuild New Orleans. Interesting number. What does it mean?

A. Well...if you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every man, woman, and child) you each get $516,528.

B. Or...if you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans, your home gets $1,329,787.

C. Or...if you are a family of four...your family gets $2,066,012.

Washington, D.C.: <> Are all your calculators broken??

Accounts Receivable Tax

Building Permit Tax

CDL License Tax

Cigarette Tax

Corporate Income Tax

Dog License Tax

Federal Income Tax

Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)

Fishing License Tax

Food License Tax

Fuel Permit Tax

Gasoline Tax

Hunting License Tax

Inheritance Tax

Inventory Tax

IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)

IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)

Liquor Tax

Luxury Tax

Marriage License Tax

Medicare Tax

Property Tax

Real Estate Tax

Service charge taxes

Social Security Tax

Road Usage Tax (Truckers)

Sales Taxes

Recreational Vehicle Tax

School Tax

State Income Tax

State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)

Telephone Federal Excise Tax

Telephone Federal Universal

Service Fee Tax

Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax

Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax

Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax

Telephone State and Local Tax

Telephone Usage Charge Tax

Utility Tax

Vehicle License Registration Tax

Vehicle Sales Tax

Watercraft Registration Tax

Well Permit Tax

Workers Compensation Tax

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago... and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national debt...We had the largest middle class in the world...and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What happened?

Can you spell "politicians"?

And I still have to press '1' for English!

~~~~~

No, I didn't do the math to figure out if a billion seconds ago it really was 1959. I'm assuming someone else did. And even if the year had changed, assuming the math is correct, it would probably be somewhere in the 1960's - forty years ago! Same goes for the billion minutes, hours, etc, mentioned above. If you're really curious as to whether the math is correct, be my guest. But don't come back and tell me the above is wrong. I don't really care.

You see, even if the math is off, it's the imagery that's important. Politicians are looking at Billions like it's nothing. It's a billion dollars for Pete's sake! More money than most people, including politicians, will see in their lifetimes.

It's really easy to spend someone else's money. It's not coming out of Washington pockets. It's coming out of yours and mine.

Look at what Landrieu is asking for New Orleans. Before I go any further, I have to remind my readers that I do feel for the citizens of NO. I really do. But why should you and I pay billions to people who chose to live in a city that is situated in a basin with the Gulf of Mexico held back by levees? Why should you and I buy homes for people whose previous homes were uninsured? If my home is uninsured and destroyed, is someone going to pay me to rebuild my home? My life?

Doutbtful. My friends and family may help me out until I get on my feet, but I probably won't be getting government handouts. I've done the research. I don't fit the social demographics of people who get handouts.

Did you get a handout from the "stimulus" package that started earlier this year? I doubt it. You didn't fit the demographics. You weren't a multi-million dollar company that made exceedingly bad choices.

No, apparently in the United States of today, you have to make bad choices to get help from our government. Be greedy and do things that cause the economy to plummet, live in a city that was reclaimed from the Gulf of Mexico, and live hand-to-mouth beyond your means, to get any help.

I don't expect the government to help me out, despite what you might have taken from the above. I just want to be able to make a decent living, put food on the table, clothes on my back, a roof over my head and have what I consider to be the niceities of life and look forward to a comfortable retirement.

I think that should be what the American ideal should be. If necessary, I'd like a hand-up when needed, not a hand-out.

Is that really too much to ask? To expect? To want?

Superstar CBS Reporter Blows the Lid Off the Swine Flu Media Hype and Hysteria

Posted by: Dr. Mercola November 24 2009 | 78,006 views

Sharyl Attkisson is a CBS News correspondent and investigative reporter. She’s covered Capitol Hill since February 2006 and has been a Washington-based correspondent there since January 1995. She was also part of the CBS news team that received the Edward Murrow Award in 2005 for overall excellence. Additionally, she received an Outstanding Investigative Journalism Emmy in 2002 for a series on the Red Cross.

In case you didn't realize it, Sharyl Attkisson is the investigative reporter behind the groundbreaking CBS News study that found H1N1 flu cases are NOT as prevalent as feared.

In fact, they’re barely on the radar screen.

How did this startling information come about, and why is the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) painting a different picture entirely? I spoke directly with Sharyl Attkisson to find out.

Read the rest of the story and view the videos here.....

Jasper and the Unbaked Yeast Rolls

We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper. He came to us in the summer of 2001 from the fox terrier rescue program. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this type of adoption, imagine taking in a 10-year-old child you know nothing about and committing to doing your best to be a good parent.

Five weeks ago we began remodeling our house. Although the cost of the project was downright obnoxious, it was 20 years overdue AND it got me out of cooking Thanksgiving dinner for family, extended family, and a lot of friends that I like more than family most of the time.

I was assigned the task of preparing 124 of my famous yeast dinner rolls for the two Thanksgiving feasts we did attend.

I am still mad at the electrician for getting the new oven hooked up so quickly. It was the only appliance in the whole house that worked, thus the assignment.

I made the decision to cook the rolls on Wednesday evening and to reheat Thursday morning. Since the kitchen was freshly painted, you can imagine the odor. Not wanting the rolls to smell like Sherwin Williams latex paint #586, I put the rolls on baking sheets and set them in the living room to rise for five hours.

After three hours, Perry and I decided to go out to eat, returning about an hour later. An hour after that, the rolls were ready to go into the oven.

It was 8:30 p.m. When I went to the living room to retrieve the pans, much to my shock, one whole pan of 12 rolls was empty. I called out to Jasper, and my worst nightmare became a reality. He literally wobbled over to me. He looked like a combination of the Pillsbury dough boy and the Michelin Tire man wrapped up in fur. He groaned when he walked. Even his cheeks were bloated.

I ran to the phone and called our vet. After a few seconds of uproarious laughter, he told me the dog would probably be OK; however, I needed to give him Pepto Bismol every two hours for the rest of the night.

Who knows why I thought a dog would like Pepto Bismol any more than my kids did when they were sick. Suffice it to say that by the time we went to bed, the dog was black, white, and pink. He was so bloated we had to lift him onto the bed for the night.

Naively thinking the dog would be all better by morning was very stupid on my part.

We arose at 7:30 and as we always do first thing, we put the dog out to take care of his business. Well, the dog was as drunk as a sailor on his first leave. He was running into walls, falling flat on his rear. Most of the time when he was walking, his front half was going one direction and the other half was either dragging the grass or headed 90 degrees in another direction. When he ran down the small incline in our back yard, he couldn't stop himself and nearly ended up running into the fence.

His pupils were dilated and he was as dizzy as a loon. I endured another few seconds of laughter from the vet (second call within 12 hours) before he explained that the yeast had fermented in his belly and that he was indeed drunk.

He assured me that, not unlike most binges we humans go through, it would wear off after about four or five hours. He then told me to keep giving the dog Pepto Bismol.

Afraid to leave Jasper by himself in the house, Perry and I loaded him up and took him with us to my sister's house for the first Thanksgiving meal of the day.

My sister lives outside of Muskogee on a ranch (a 10- to 15-minute drive). Rolls firmly secured in the trunk (124 less 12) and drunk dog leaning from the back seat onto the console of the car between Perry and me, we took off.

Now I know you probably don't believe that dogs burp, but believe me when I say that after eating a tray of risen unbaked yeast rolls, DOGS WILL BURP. These burps were pure Old Charter. They would have matched or beat any smell in a drunk tank at the police station. But that's not the worst of it.

Now he was beginning to pass gas and it smelled like baked rolls. We endured this for the entire trip to Karen's. We were thankful she didn't live any farther away than she did.

Once Jasper was firmly placed in my sister's garage with the door locked, we finally sat down to enjoy our first Thanksgiving meal of the day. The dog was the topic of conversation all morning long and everyone made trips to the garage to witness my drunken dog, each returning with a tale of Jasper's latest endeavor to walk without running into something. Of course, as the old adage goes, "What goes in must come out," and Jasper was no exception.

Granted if it had been me that had eaten 12 risen, unbaked yeast rolls, you might as well have put a concrete block up my behind, but alas a dog's digestive system is quite different from yours or mine. I discovered this was a mixed blessing when we prepared to leave Karen's house.

Having discovered his "packages" on the garage floor, we loaded him up in the car so we could hose down the floor.

This was another naive decision on our part. The blast of water from the hose hit the poop on the floor, and the poop on the floor withstood the blast from the hose. It was like Portland cement beginning to set up and cure.

We finally tried to remove it with a shovel. I (obviously no one else was going to offer their services) had to get on my hands and knees with a coarse brush to get the remnants off of the floor. And as if this wasn't degrading enough, the dog in his drunken state had walked through the poop and left paw prints all over the garage floor that had to be brushed too.

Well, by this time the dog was sobering up nicely, so we took him home and dropped him off before we left for our second Thanksgiving dinner at Perry's sister's house.

I am happy to report that as of today (Monday) the dog is back to normal, both in size and temperament. He has had a bath and is no longer tricolor. None the worse for wear, I presume. I am also happy to report that just this evening I found two risen unbaked yeast rolls hidden inside my closet door.

It appears he must have come to his senses after eating ten of them but decided hiding two of them for later would not be a bad idea. Now, I'm doing research on the computer: "How to clean unbaked dough from the carpet."

And how was your day?