Saturday, August 19, 2006

It's An Animal's Life


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from email
The Laws of Life

Variation Law

If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Nothing Better Than Friendship

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from email

Friday, August 18, 2006

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.

-Will Rogers
Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Now I know what I've been doing wrong!!
The Laws of Life

Law of Probability

The probability of being watched is directly proportional
to the stupidity of your act.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.

The Woman's Prayer

Now I lay me
Down to sleep
I pray the Lord
My shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles
Please no bags
And please lift my butt
Before it sags.
Please no age spots
Please no gray
And as for my belly,
Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy
Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you've done.
The Laws of Life

Law of the Workshop

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Wednesday Words of Wisdom

Procrastinate !!! Now !!!
Sensible Observations

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."

--Author Unknown
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.

-Ben Williams
The Laws of Life

Law of the Alibi

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

-Ann Landers
These People Vote

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.

She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff".

. . . ..She ALSO votes!
The Laws of Life

Law of the Telephone

If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Monday, August 14, 2006

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

-Andy Rooney
Diary Of A Floridian

April 30th: Dear diary: Florida is fantastic! Just got here and love it already. Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

May 14th: Really heating up. Got to 89 today. Not a problem, I live in an air-conditioned home and drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.

June 5th: Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. NO MORE SHOVELLING SNOW EITHER! Another scorcher today but I love it here.

July 1st: The temperature hasn't been below 90 all week, not even at night. Where are those ocean breezes we heard about; still seems hot. Getting used to it - will take a while, I guess. I sure miss my LP collection, though. I'll have to remember not to leave anything made out of plastic in my car. Got one of those fuzzy steering wheel covers, cheaper than the burn ointment for my hands. I always wondered what burnt flesh smelled

July 15th: Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th: I miss our cat, Tabby. He snuck into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, he'd swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and just as I opened the door, he exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids he ran away. The car now smells like Kibble and poop. No more pets in this heat!

July 25th: Ocean breezes, my ass. Hot is hot! The home air conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $20 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts. Only hope for a break in the heat would be a hurricane.

July 30th: Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Swatting the swamp mosquitoes that are as big as B-52's ; $1,500 in darn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Aug 4th: 100 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. The electric bill is almost as much as the house payment. And two old lady drivers almost ran me off the road. I hate this state.

Aug 8th: If another wise jerk cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to tear his head off. Damn heat! By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like old socks!!

Aug 10th: The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny. It's been too hot for two months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. And whoever came up with the statement, "it may be hot, but at least you don't have to shovel it" should die from heat exhaustion. Doesn't it ever rain in this God-forsaken place??

Aug 14th: Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 102 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the 1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.

Aug 30th: Worst day of the summer. I'm not leaving the house. The monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell and drove the damned roaches out of the ground. Wasn't aware they could fly! The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in the Caribbean with its new $500 windshield. That does it, we're moving back to New York where all you have to worry about is getting mugged.

I hope this state breaks in half and floats to Cuba!
The Laws of Life

Law of Mechanical Repair

After your hands become coated with grease,
your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

St. Theresa's Prayer

In case anyone is interested, Saint Theresa is known as the Saint of the Little Ways. Meaning she believed in doing the little things in life well and with great love. She is also the patron Saint of flower growers and florists. She is represented by roses.

May everyone who receives this message be blessed. Make a wish as you read this. If you choose to, make a link to this post or copy and send to friends and relatives.

St. Theresa's Prayer:

May today there be peace within.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content knowing you are a child of God.
Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.
It is there for each and every one of us.
God is like..

BAYER ASPIRIN... He works miracles.

God is like... a FORD... He's got a better idea.

God is like.... COKE... He's the real thing.

God is like... HALLMARK CARDS... He cares enough to send His very best.

God is like... TIDE... He gets the stains out that others leave behind.

God is like... GENERAL ELECTRIC... He brings good things to life.

God is like... SEARS... He has everything.

God is like... ALKA-SELTZER... Try him, you'll like Him

God is like... SCOTCH TAPE... You can't see him, but you know He's there.

God is like... DELTA... He's ready when you are.

God is like.. ALLSTATE... You're in good hands with Him.

God is like... VO-5... Hair Spray He holds through all kinds of weather.

God is like... DIAL SOAP... Aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everybody did?

God is like... the U.S. POST OFFICE... Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination.

Did You Know?

Did you know that those who appear to be very strong in heart, are real weak and most susceptible?

Did you know that those who spend their time protecting others are the ones that really need someone to protect them?

Did you know that the three most difficult things to say are:

I love you.
I'm sorry.
Help me.

Did you know that those who dress in red are more confident in themselves?

Did you know that those who dress in yellow are those that enjoy their beauty?

Did you know that those who dress in black, are those who want to be unnoticed and need your help and understanding?

Did you know that when you help someone, the help is returned in two folds?

Did you know that it's easier to say what you feel in writing than saying it to someone in the face? But did you know that it has more value when you say it to their face?

Did you know that if you ask for something in faith, your wishes are granted?

Did you know that you can make your dreams come true, like falling in love, becoming rich, staying healthy, if you ask for it by faith, and if you really knew, you'd be surprised by what you could do.

But don't believe everything I tell you, until you try it for yourself, if you know someone that is in need of something that I mentioned, and you know that you can help, you'll see that it will be returned in two-fold.

Today, the ball of FRIENDSHIP is in your court, send this to those who truly are your friends (including me if I am one). Also, do not feel bad if no one sends this back to you in the end, you'll find out that you'll get to keep the ball for other people want more.

The email goes on to instruct you to email to all your friends and you will have 3 years of good luck. If you don't, you'll have one year of bad luck. Well, I don't believe in that, but if you do, go ahead and copy and paste to your email program of choice and email away.
Absolutely Phenomenal!

1) Relax and lazily stare at the 4 tiny dots in the middle of the picture below for at least 30 seconds.
2) Slowly shift your gaze from the screen to a wall near you.
3) You will see a circle of light formed on the wall.
4) Start blinking and continue till you see! a figure within the circle.
5) What do you see? Rather, Whom do you see?

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Kid asked Jesus... how much do you love me? Jesus replied," I love you this much." and He stretched his arms to the cross and died for us.