Twas A Maxine Christmas
(Author Unknown )

'Twas the night before Christmas

And all through the house...

Not a creature was stirring

Since the cat ate the mouse.

My support hose were hung

By the chimney with care.

(I hung them last Christmas

And just left them there.)

My dog, Floyd, was nestled

All snug in his bed,

After watching the cat rip

The presents to shreds.

And I in my long johns

And ratty night cap

Had just settled my butt

For a long winter's nap.

When out on the lawn

There arose such a clatter,

I swore at the window,

"What the (blank) is the matter?"

I tore open the window,

Not a second to tarry,

All ready to throw

The noisemaker a berry.

A bright moon was lighting

The new-fallen snow...

And I had a moon of my own

Set to show.

Floyd was beside me,

Paw pointing the way

Toward eight tiny reindeer

Hitched up to a sleigh...

And a little old driver

So cheery and quick,

I thought for a moment

That I would be sick.

Like a bat out of...you know,

His reindeer they came,

And I whistled and shouted

And called them some names--

"Hey, Hornhead! Hey, Furface!

Hey, Weiner and Turkey!

Yo, Klutzy and Mangy

And Venison Jerky!

Stay off of my porch!

Get away from my wall!

Now hit the road, hit the road,

Hit the road, all!

But as pedestrians before

My old Buick , they fly

And head for high ground

With great fear in their eyes.

So up to my rooftop

The fleabags they flew,

With a sleigh full of toys

And old Fruitcake - Breath too.

And then, in a twinkling,

I heard on the roof

Holes in my new shingles

Made by each tiny hoof.

As I reached for my slingshot

And a marble as well,

Down the chimney St. Nicholas

Tumbled and fell.

He had a huge sack of

Cheap junk on his back

And I whispered to Floyd,

"Be prepared to attack."

His eyes they were squinting,

His toy bag was draggin',

And I felt for a moment

Like I'd soon be gaggin'.

He was dressed all in red.

With a bell on his hat.

And a belt of black leather

To hold back the fat.

A billowing pipe

He clenched tight in his smile,

And the smell was like something

Had been dead for awhile.

He had a broad face

And a little round belly

That shook when I nailed him

With a handful of jelly.

He was chubby and plump,

Well, actually porky,

And I laughed when I tripped him

(He looked pretty dorky).

He was like a beached whale

Unable to budge.

And he tasted good , too,

If the dog was a judge.

I spoke not a word

But went straight to my work--

A noogie, a wedgie,

A cry of "You jerk!"

Until laying a finger

Aside of his nose,

With a loud cry of "Uncle!"

Up the chimney he rose.

He sprang to the sleigh

And dragged in the toys,

Then he cried to the reindeer,

"Get me out of here, Boys!"

And I had to exclaim

As a slushball I tossed,

"Happy Christmas to all,

And to all a Get Lost!"

But then, as I turned,I saw 'neath the tree

Two gaily wrapped presents--

One for Floyd, one for me.

A big bag of jerky

Turned Floyd mighty chipper,

While for me was a pair

Of brand-new bunny slippers.

I looked out the window,

And hovering there,

Old Santa was winking

From his sleigh in midair...

"Merry Christmas, Maxine!"

He cried, full of cheer,"

Same to you, Pal!" I answered,

("I'll get you next year!")