Holiday Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rumballs.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch.You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat.Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out ofyour mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

A Christmas Tree

This is a Christmas tree. You might call it a holiday hedge, an Allah plant, a Hanukkah bush, or something else all together. I won't say you are wrong, but here, it's a Christmas Tree.

I hope this doesn't offend anyone, but if it does...too bad.

Get over it ~

NEW WORDS FOR 2006
Part 7

Paradox: two physicians.

Parasites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the s*** out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Perfect Pitch: what it is when you throw a banjo in a dumpster and it didn't hit the sides.Pharmacist: a helper on the farm.

Phonecrastinate: To put off answering the phone until caller ID identifies the caller.

Polarize: what penguins see with.

Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop over the walls to see what's going on.

Primate: removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Raisin: Grape with a sunburn.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.Relief: what trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck: what you do to relax your wife.

OLD PREACHER

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table three objects:

1. a Bible

2. a silver dollar

3. a bottle of whisky

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself," and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. He tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink. "Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "he's gonna be a Congressman!"

Women and the Hardware Store

Harlow was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store.

At the hardware store,Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl,themanager, to finish waiting on a customer.


When Carl was finished, Mary asked, "How much for the teapot?"

Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $300!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store.

The Wisdom of Ronald Reagan

"Here’s my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose."

"The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I’m here to help."

"Of the four wars in my lifetime none came about because the U.S. was too strong."

"I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress."

"The taxpayer: That’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t take the civil service exam."

"Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other."

"If we ever forget that we’re one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under."

"I’ve laid down the law, though, to everyone from now on about anything that happens: no matter what time it is, wake me, even if it’s in the middle of a Cabinet meeting."

"It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first. Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it."

"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book."

"No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women."

NEW WORDS FOR 2006

Part 6

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Lasterday: Any day before today.

Left Bank: what the robber did after his bag was full of loot.

Misty: How golfers create divots.

Mosquito: An insect that makes you like flies better.

Mouse Potato: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

Onosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

FISHERMEN

Two guys from Halifax County are quietly sitting in a boat on the Banister Lake fishing and sucking down beer when suddenly Mel says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Earl sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

Life is fragile. Handle with Prayer!

There once was a time when everyone feared God and the Church reigned Supreme......it was called the Dark Ages.

Sunday Words of Wisdom

Live Simply

Love Generously

Care Deeply

Speak Kindly

Pray Daily

Leave the Rest with God

NEW WORDS FOR 2006

Part 5

Generica: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Gossip: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

Handkerchief: Cold Storage.

Heroes: what a guy in a boat does.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.

Inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O. J. trials were a prime example. Michael Jackson is another.

When You Care Enough To Send the Very Best

- Part 2
(but the Hallmark writers are having a bad day)

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go... Would you like to take this

knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

Happy birthday!
You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!

When we were together,

You always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?

I'm so miserable without you it's almost

like you're here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

Your friends and I wanted to do Something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

So your daughter's a hooker,
And it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay

from email

Florida's Newest Retirement Demographic

NEW WORDS FOR 2006

Part 4

Decafelon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Dust: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

Eclipse: what an English barber does for a living.

Egotist: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

Eyedropper: a clumsy ophthalmologist.

Flusterpated: Being so flustered that words get bound up inside you.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

When You Care Enough To Send the Very Best
(but the Hallmark writers are having a bad day )

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder... "What the heck

was I thinking?"

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

How could two people as beautiful as you
have such an ugly baby?

I've always wanted to have Someone to hold,
Someone to love. After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

Where's Bill?

Bill and Sam, two “senior” seniors, met in the neighborhood park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it; he thought Bill had a cold or virus.

After Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really was worried. Since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived; he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed and Sam decided he had seen the last of Bill.

Some time after, Sam approached the park; lo and behold, there sat Bill. Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"

Bill replied, "I've been in jail."

"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?"

"Yeah" said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she charged me with rape; I was so proud, that when I got into court, I pled ‘guilty’; that sorry Judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

A Thanksgiving Poem

May your stuffing be tasty

May your turkey be plump,

May your potatoes and gravy
have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious and

your pies take the prize,

and may your Thanksgiving dinner
stay off your thighs!

NEW WORDS FOR 2006
Part 3

Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people.

Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Chickens: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Craughed: To laugh and cry simultaneously.

Crop Dusting: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.