Saturday, October 01, 2011

A married couple was at home watching TV. The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. 

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said: "For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!

Friday, September 30, 2011

I was eating lunch on the 20th of February with my 7 year-old granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?" 

She said, "It's President's Day!" She is a smart kid. I asked, "What does President's Day mean?" I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln ... etc. 

She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment." 

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

"The fact that we are here today to debate raising America's debt limit is a sign of leadership failure. It is a sign that the US Government cannot pay its own bills. It is a sign that we now depend on ongoing financial assistance from foreign countries to finance our Government's reckless fiscal policies. Increasing America's debt weakens us domestically and internationally. Leadership means that 'the buck stops here.' Instead, Washington is shifting the burden of bad choices today onto the backs of our children and grandchildren. America has a debt problem and a failure of leadership. Americans deserve better." 

-- Senator Barack H. Obama, March 2006
How Would You Fix the Economy? 

There recently was an article in the St. Petersburg, Fl. Times. The Business Section asked readers for ideas on: "How Would You Fix the Economy?" I think this 80 year old guy nailed it! 

Dear Mr. President, Please find below my suggestion for fixing America's economy. Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the "Patriotic Retirement Plan": 

There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations: 

1) They MUST retire. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed. 

2) They MUST buy a new AMERICAN Car. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed. 

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed. 

It can't get any easier than that!! 

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members in Congress pay their taxes. Mr. President, while you're at it, make Congress retire on Social Security and Medicare. I'll bet both programs would be fixed pronto! 


Kitten here: I likes it!! 

I'll be contributing an opening to the unemployment problem - I'll be retiring in 3 years, 8 months and 3 days (not that I'm counting). Sorry it will be in 3 years, 8 months and 3 days (not that I'm counting), but unless I commit a felony between now and then, or Obama takes us up on the above, that's how long it's gonna take.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

The Doc told me to start an exercise program. Not wanting to harm this old body, I've devised the following:

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Beat around the bush 
Climb the walls 
Jump to Conclusions 
Wade through the morning paper 
Have first fight with the computer

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Drag my heels 
Push my luck 
Make mountains out of mole hills 
Hit the nail on the head 
Have second fight with the computer

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Bend over backwards 
Jump on the Band Wagon 
Run around in circles 
Have third fight with the computer

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Toot my own horn 
Pull out all the stops 
Add fuel to the fire
Have fourth fight with the computer

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Open a can of worms 
Put my foot in my mouth 
Start the ball rolling 
Go over the edge 
Trying to drag the computer over edge with me

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Pick up the pieces 
Sit and throw rock at the computer

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Kneel in prayer 
Bow my head in thanksgiving 
Uplift my hands in praise 
Hug someone and encourage them 
Might as well let the computer rest 
What a Workout!

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Tuesday, September 27, 2011


I was walking past a mental hospital and all the patients were yelling "13..13...13..13...13..." 

The fence was too high to see over so i put my eye to a hole in the fence to see what was going on, I was promptly poked in the eye with a stick and they all started yelling "14..14...14...14...14..."

Monday, September 26, 2011

Man looks at his wife and says "Your butt is big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue grill." He got a measuring tape, measured the grill, and measured her bottom. 

"I was right, your butt is 2 inches wider than the grill." 

The woman ignored him.

Later that night the husband is feeling frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. 

She replies "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big grill for one little weenie?"

Sunday, September 25, 2011

If you never had a problem, How would you know that I can solve them?