It's An Animal's Life

EARS? WHAT EARS?

from email

The Laws of Life

Variation Law

If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Nothing Better Than Friendship

from email

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.

-Will Rogers

Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Now I know what I've been doing wrong!!

The Laws of Life

Law of Probability

The probability of being watched is directly proportional

to the stupidity of your act.

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.

-Anonymous

The Woman's Prayer

Now I lay me
Down to sleep
I pray the Lord
My shape to keep.

Please no wrinkles
Please no bags
And please lift my butt
Before it sags.

Please no age spots
Please no gray
And as for my belly,
Please take it away.

Please keep me healthy
Please keep me young,

And thank you Dear Lord

For all that you've done.

The Laws of Life

Law of the Workshop

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Wednesday Words of Wisdom

Procrastinate !!! Now !!!

Sensible Observations

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."

--Author Unknown

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.

-Ben Williams

The Laws of Life

Law of the Alibi

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

-Ann Landers

These People Vote

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.

She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff".

. . . ..She ALSO votes!

The Laws of Life

Law of the Telephone

If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

-Andy Rooney

Diary Of A Floridian

April 30th: Dear diary: Florida is fantastic! Just got here and love it already. Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

May 14th: Really heating up. Got to 89 today. Not a problem, I live in an air-conditioned home and drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.

June 5th: Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. NO MORE SHOVELLING SNOW EITHER! Another scorcher today but I love it here.

July 1st: The temperature hasn't been below 90 all week, not even at night. Where are those ocean breezes we heard about; still seems hot. Getting used to it - will take a while, I guess. I sure miss my LP collection, though. I'll have to remember not to leave anything made out of plastic in my car. Got one of those fuzzy steering wheel covers, cheaper than the burn ointment for my hands. I always wondered what burnt flesh smelled

like.

July 15th: Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th: I miss our cat, Tabby. He snuck into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, he'd swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and just as I opened the door, he exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids he ran away. The car now smells like Kibble and poop. No more pets in this heat!

July 25th: Ocean breezes, my ass. Hot is hot! The home air conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $20 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts. Only hope for a break in the heat would be a hurricane.

July 30th: Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Swatting the swamp mosquitoes that are as big as B-52's ; $1,500 in darn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Aug 4th: 100 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. The electric bill is almost as much as the house payment. And two old lady drivers almost ran me off the road. I hate this state.

Aug 8th: If another wise jerk cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to tear his head off. Damn heat! By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like old socks!!

Aug 10th: The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny. It's been too hot for two months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. And whoever came up with the statement, "it may be hot, but at least you don't have to shovel it" should die from heat exhaustion. Doesn't it ever rain in this God-forsaken place??

Aug 14th: Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 102 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the 1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.

Aug 30th: Worst day of the summer. I'm not leaving the house. The monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell and drove the damned roaches out of the ground. Wasn't aware they could fly! The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in the Caribbean with its new $500 windshield. That does it, we're moving back to New York where all you have to worry about is getting mugged.

I hope this state breaks in half and floats to Cuba!

The Laws of Life

Law of Mechanical Repair

After your hands become coated with grease,

your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

St. Theresa's Prayer

In case anyone is interested, Saint Theresa is known as the Saint of the Little Ways. Meaning she believed in doing the little things in life well and with great love. She is also the patron Saint of flower growers and florists. She is represented by roses.

May everyone who receives this message be blessed. Make a wish as you read this. If you choose to, make a link to this post or copy and send to friends and relatives.

St. Theresa's Prayer:

May today there be peace within.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content knowing you are a child of God.
Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.

It is there for each and every one of us.