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FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER

8 years old

Hateful little dog

Bites

FREE PUPPIES:

1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog

FREE PUPPIES...

Mother, AKC German Shepherd

Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG

Looks like a rat

Been out a while

Better be a reward

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED

Also 1 gay bull for sale

NORDIC TRACK

$300

Hardly used, call Chubby

GEORGIA PEACHES

California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!

Must sell washer and dryer $300

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE

WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE

Call Stephanie

AND THE BEST ONE

FOR SALE BY OWNER

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes

Excellent condition.$1,000 or best offer

No longer needed, got married last month

Wife knows everything

From email

It's An Animal's Life

It's in there somewhere, I just know it!

from email

For The Ladies

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...

This series was shamelessly stolen from Grouchy Old Cripple in Atlanta

Martha vs. Maxine

Martha's Way

Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Maxine's Way

Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!

from email - first in a series

In Honor of Stupid People. . .Part 5

Actual label instructions on consumer goods

On Nytol Sleep Aid --

"Warning: May cause drowsiness."

(...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights --

"For indoor or outdoor use only."

(as opposed to what?)

More to follow

Maxine

I AM YOUR DOG

I am your dog, and I have a little something I'd like to whisper in your ear. I know that you humans lead busy lives. Some have to work, some have children to raise. It always seems like you are running here and there, often much too fast, often never noticing the truly grand things in life. Look down at me now, while you sit there at your computer. See the way my dark brown eyes look at yours? They are slightly cloudy now. That comes with age. The gray hairs are beginning to ring my soft muzzle.

You smile at me; I see love in your eyes. What do you see in mine? Do you see a spirit? A soul inside, who loves you as no other could in the world? A spirit that would forgive all trespasses of prior wrong doing for just a simple moment of your time? That is all I ask. To slow down, if even for a few minutes to be with me. So many times you have been saddened by the words you read on that screen, of other of my kind, passing. Sometimes we die young and oh so quickly, sometimes so suddenly it wrenches your heart out of your throat. Sometimes, we age so slowly before your eyes that you may not even seem to know until the very end, when we look at you with grizzled muzzles and cataract clouded eyes. Still the love is always there, even when we must take that long sleep, to run free in a distant land.

I may not be here tomorrow; I may not be here next week. Someday you will shed the water from your eyes, that humans have when deep grief fills their souls, and you will be angry at yourself that you did not have just "One more day" with me. Because I love you so, your sorrow touches my spirit and grieves me. We have NOW, together. So come, sit down here next to me on the floor, and look deep into my eyes. What do you see? If you look hard and deep enough we will talk, you and I, heart to heart. Come to me not as "alpha" or as "trainer" or even "Mom or Dad," come to me as a living soul and stroke my fur and let us look deep into one another's eyes, and talk.

I may tell you something about the fun of chasing a tennis ball, or I may tell you something profound about myself, or even life in general. You decided to have me in your life because you wanted a soul to share such things with. Someone very different from you, and here I am. I am a dog, but I am alive. I feel emotion, I feel physical senses, and I can revel in the differences of our spirits and souls. I do not think of you as a "Dog on two feet" -- I know what you are. You are human, in all your quirkiness, and I love you still.

Now, come sit with me, on the floor. Enter my world, and let time slow down if only for 15 minutes. Look deep into my eyes, and whisper to my ears. Speak with your heart, with your joy and I will know your true self. We may not have tomorrow, and life is oh so very short.

--Love,Baby
(on behalf of canines everywhere)
Author Unknown

Irish Blessings, Sayings and Songs

May you always have

Walls for the winds,

A roof for the rain,

Tea beside the fire,

Laughter to cheer you,

Those you love near you,

And all your heart might desire!

May you be inHeaven a half hour before theDevil knows you're dead!

When Irish eyes are smiling,Tis like a morn in spring.

With a lilt of Irish laughterYou can hear the angels sing

When Irish hearts are happy All the world is bright and gay

When Irish eyes are smiling Sure, they steal your heart away.

May your blessings outnumber

The shamrocks that grow,

And may trouble avoid youWherever you go.

There are many good reasons for drinking,

One has just entered my head.

If a man doesn't drink when he's living,

How in the hell can he drink when he's dead?

May the best day of your past

Be the worst day of your future.

I'm looking over a four leaf clover

That I overlooked before

One leaf is sunshine, the second is rain,

Third is the roses that grow in the lane.

No need explaining the one remaining

Is somebody I adore.

I'm looking over a four leaf clover

That I overlooked before.

May you live to be a hundred years

With one extra year to repent.

May those who love us, love us

And those who don't love us,

May God turn their hearts

And if he can't turn their hearts,

May he turn their ankles

So we will know them by their limping!

As you slide down the banister of life,

May the splinters never point in the wrong direction!

May luck be our companion

May friends stand by our side

May history remind us all

Of Ireland's faith and pride.

May God bless us with happiness

May love and faith abide.

Leprechauns, castles, good luck and laughter

Lullabies, dreams, and love ever after.

Poems and songs with pipes and drums

A thousand welcomes when anyone comes.

That's the Irish for you!

There's a dear little plant that grows in our isle,

'Twas St. Patrick himself, sure, that sets it;

And the sun of his labor with pleasure did smile,

And with dew from his eye often wet it.

It grows through the bog, through the brake, through the mireland,

And they call it the dear little Shamrock of Ireland.

May your neighbors respect you,

Troubles neglect you,

The angels protect you,

And Heaven accept you.

May you have:A world of wishes at your command

God and his angels close at hand

Friends and family their love impart,

And Irish blessings in you heart.

May God grant you many years to live,

For sure he must be knowing

The earth has angels all to few

And Heaven is overflowing.

These things I warmly wish to you-

Someone to love

Some work to do

A bit o' sun

A bit o' cheer

And a guardian angel always near.

Here's to a long life and a merry one

A quick death and an easy one

A pretty girl and an honest one

A cold beer and another one!

May your pockets be heavy and your heart be light,

May good luck pursue you each morning and night.

O Ireland isn't it grand you look like a bride in her rich adornin?

And with all the pent up love of my heartI bid you the top o' the mornin!

Love the Irish

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

Oh yeah?"said Charlie "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you coward!

DID YOU KNOW?

Fifty-two of the 55 founders of the Constitution were members of the established orthodox churches in the colonies.

Part 7

The next time you feel like GOD can't use you, just remember...

Noah was a drunk

Abraham was too old

Isaac was a daydreamer

Jacob was a liar

Leah was ugly

Joseph was abused

Moses had a stuttering problem

Gideon was afraid

Samson had long hair and was a womanizer

Rahab was a prostitute

Jeremiah and Timothy were too young

David had an affair and was a murderer

Elijah was suicidal

Isaiah preached naked

Jonah ran from God

Naomi was a widow

Job went bankrupt

Peter denied Christ

The Disciples fell asleep while praying

Martha worried about everything

Mary Magdalene was, well you know . . .

The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once

Zaccheus was too small

Paul was too religious

Timothy had an ulcer..

AND Lazarus was dead!

Now! No more excuses!

God can use you to your full potential. Besides you aren't the message, you are just the messenger. And one more thing...Share this with a friend or two...In the Circle of God's love, God's waiting to use your full potential.

Gotta Love the Irish

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have You been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "He's done it again!"

Irish Scones

Ingredients:

1 cup white flour
1/4 pound butter -- softened
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1 egg -- slightly beaten
2 ounces sugar
2 ounces milk Sultanas (white raisins) optional Walnut halves (optional)

Preparation:

Mix flour and baking powder. Add butter, and blend until the mixture is butter-colored. Add sugar and continue to mix well. Add half the beaten egg and all the milk. Add raisins or some nuts, if desired, mixing well to make a sticky dough. Turn dough onto floured board and knead for at least 5 minutes or longer. Cut dough into rounds and place on greased baking sheet or hot frying pan. Brush tops of scones with remainder of beaten egg. Place walnut halves on top, if desired. Bake at 350 to 375 degrees for about 15 to 20 minutes, or until brown. If preparing over an open fire, heat frying pan till very hot . Place scones in pan and cook for 7 to 8 minutes. Turn and cook for another 7 to 8 minutes.

Makes 6 scones.

Daylight Savings Time

begins in 15 days! Turn your clocks ahead 1 hour!

Gotta Love the Irish

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

It's An Animal's Life

Now what do I do?

from email

Kid Friendly Irish Jokes

Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Because regular rocks are too heavy.

How did the Irish Jig get started?
Too much to drink and not enough restrooms.

How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
He's Dublin over with laughter.

Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
Because they're always a little short.

Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
He couldn't afford plane fare.

What's Irish and stays out all night?
Patty O'furniture!

When is an Irish Potato not an Irish Potato?
When it is a FRENCH fry.

Traditional Irish Breakfast

Ingredients :
8 slices of Shannon Traditional Irish Bacon (Premium)
4 Shannon Traditional Irish Sausages (Bangers)
4 slices of Shannon Traditional White Breakfast Pudding
4 slices of Shannon Traditional Black Breakfast Pudding
4 Medium size tomatoes
4 eggs Freshly ground pepper

Preparation :

Saute bacon over low heat, by turning frequently until done to taste. Remove from pan and drain on paper towels. Keep hot. It is important to keep in mind that Irish bacon is not cooked crisp hard. Place sausages in pan and cook until brown on all sides. Cut the tomatoes in half and fry with slices of pudding in the bacon fat. Remove and keep hot.

All the above items can also be boiled instead of being fried. Cook eggs to order.

Fun Beer Facts

What's St Patrick's Day without beer?

About 4000 years ago, it was the accepted practice in Babylonia that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calender was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" or what we know to day as the "Honey moon."

Before invention of the thermometer, brewers used to check the temperature by dipping their thumb, to find whether appropriate for adding Yeast. Too hot, the yeast would die. This is where we get the phrase " The Rule of the Thumb."

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender used to yell at themto mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. From where we get "mind your own P's and Q's".

After consuming a vibrant brew called Aul or Ale, the Vikings would go fearlessly to the battlefield, without their armour, or even their shirts. The "Berserk" means "bear shirt" in norse, and eventually to the meaning of wild battles.

Way back in 1740, the Admiral Veron of the British fleet decided to water down the navy's rum, which naturally, the sailors weren't pleased with. They nicknamed the Admiral Old Grog, after the still stiff grogram coats he used to wear. The term grog soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When you are drunk on this this grog, you are "groggy", a word still in use.

Long ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim of their beer mugs or ceremic/glass cups. The whistle was used to order services. Thus we get the phrase, "wet your whistle".

The Holiday Spot

Danny

Oh Danny boy, the pipes the pipes are calling,

From glen to glen and on the mountainside.

The summer's gone and all the leaves are falling,

'Tis you must go, 'tis you must go and I must bide!

But come you back, when summer's in the meadow,

Or when the valley's hush and white with snow!

Then I'll be there in sunshine or in shadow,

Oh Danny Boy, Oh Danny Boy, I love you so!

And if you come, when all the flowers are dying

And I am dead, as dead I well may be

You'll come and find the place where I am lying

And kneel and say an "Ave" there for me.

And I shall hear, tho' soft you tread above me

And all my dreams will warm and sweeter be

If you'll not fail to tell me that you love me

I simply sleep in peace until you come to me.

Oh Danny Boy, Oh Danny Boy, I love you so!

The Holiday Spot